One of the strangest feelings I've ever had.....

Hello all

Please note I wrote this part of the blog on Friday morning, roughly 10am.

Well it's been a strange few weeks and this morning is probably the strangest of them all.

I'm not going to go into too many details but here is a short summary. I've mentioned a woman on here called Jodi on several occasions. Me and Jodi were friends for 10 years give or take, it was a bit up and down to say the last, but recently things took a bit of a strange turn for various reasons. Notice all the uses of the past-tense in that sentence? Well long story short, I sent a message to her last night where I got some feelings off of my chest and the reaction is that, on the most basic level, we have not been friends as of around 7:45 this morning. Believe me, it gets far more complicated that that but it would take far too long to properly explain.

The strangest feeling about this whole thing is that I've lost good friends before and felt gutted every single time. Each time I've had a strange feeling in my stomach and felt physically ill for several days on end, this time it's different. I don't know whether I have unconciously preparing myself for this day for some time and although I am disappointed the friendship is over and I will miss Jodi, I loved her as a friend and at points, as more than a friend, but that sickly feeling isn't here. It's hard to explain really. Up until recently I had considered Jodi to be one of my closest friends, but things took a bitter turn very quickly.

Jodi was one of those people who I turned to whenever I have lost friends in the past, so maybe she unintentionally taught me well enough that when the day came, I wouldn't have the normal feelings if/when I lost her. As I say, it's hard to explain because after ten years, sure, I'm going to miss her and I feel a bit gutted, but my reaction in general has surprised me. Maybe it's a good thing I don't have those usual feelings because otherwise I would struggle to get over her.

As I say, I'm not going to get into too many details but I think I can safely say that, for the forseeable future at least, mine and Jodi's friendship is over.

As Jodi reads this blog occasionally, I just want you to know that for what it's worth, thank you for the last ten years.

So yeah, it's bizarre and maybe my feelings about the situation will change in the near future, I genuinely don't know, but for now I'm going to sit here in what can best be described as a state of confusion as to why my feelings aren't what they usually are.

UPDATE : Friday 1:56pm

That weird feeling I usually get has started to kick in but I'm determined not to let it beat me this time.

After the conversation I'm refering to above, in which I was called an arsehole several times, that started bugging me afterwards so I sent out a text to various people who I know aren't my close friends, i/e those that have mixed opinions off me, to ask if they think I'm an arsehole. The response was generally positive, the general concensus being that although I have my moments, I'm generally not an arsehole.

It seems almost strange that this whole situation started with Jodi's friend, sorry, I mean former friend Nolan, calling me a stalker way back at the beginning of February and has ended with being called an arsehole in mid-March. Maybe that's also why I'm not as impacted as I am normally. Since then me and Jodi had only spoken once before today and that conversation lasted literally five messages, and so I had gotten used to not talking to her in a way since then. Infact the only reason today's conversation took place was because I gew frustrated at not being given the chance to talk about the whole thing with Nolan and subsequent issues, whereas with all the other friends I've fallen out with I was talking to them on a regular basis when it happened.

I don't know.

I'll update this later if any other feelings come to mind.

UPDATE : 2:32PM

I think the way I'm going to get through this is keeping myself and my mind busy. It occured to me that whilst the other friendships were falling apart, I was at home and had nothing going on so that's all I could think about.

UPDATE : 10:55PM

Well I came back from a date and saw the stats pages and I've been getting a lot of hits from Canada in the last few hours.....which means one of two things, either Jodi is constantly checking to see what I'm saying about her or she's sending the link to this blog to her friends and they are looking. Either way, meh!

Throughout the last 8 or so hours I have been trying to distract myself throughout the day but couldn't stop thinking about it and what was said. I've had a few friends to talk about it, especially the ever reliable Charlie, which has helped. It still feels pretty strange, but again the usual feeling hasn't come up majorly, or at least not to the usual amount anyway.

As I mentioned briefly earlier, I also went on a date in the evening and the topic came up (she had read the blog entry), thankfully the date was cool with everything, saying the past is the past and we can only look to the future.

I think as time passes this will all become easier and I can move on properly. Don't get me wrong, I think I'm coping reasonably well with the whole situation, maybe because I have been thinking about this day for some time....but for now those of you who know me outside of the confines of the internet will notice that I will be a bit quiet over the next few days and weeks. Infact, if you're ever met in person, you'll know that if something is on my mind then I go a bit quiet. So if I'm not my usual self over the next few days/weeks, it's because I'm thinking of all of this.

That is going to be the last update to this particular blog. If anything else happens, which I doubt to be honest, then they will be placed on another entry.