Maybe it's time to hit "restore to factory settings"

Hello all

This happy little kid turned into me
What the hell happened?

Earlier I became ashamed of myself as I seriously lost my cool with someone. Most people know it takes a lot of make me angry, but the last two days have seen me get extremely angry at three people, two of whom deserved, but today saw me threaten someone because I got exceptionally angry. I'm not even a violent person and I just became disgusted with myself afterwards. I won't get fully into what happened and why I was angry at him, but I owe Jack Mulhall an apology.

Me and Jack first met just after Christmas 2008 and although I've never considered him a good friend, or even a friend the majority of the times, he didn't deserve what happened this morning. The thing with Jack is that he knows how to wind me up, and he often tries......and succeeds in his attempts, but even then he didn't deserve the reaction he got today and it made me think about how I am continuing to change into someone I don't like.

I have mentioned in recent blogs that I have started therapy again because although I think I am generally quite strong, I don't think I am quite strong enough on my own anymore. I do have a network of three/four good friends, a forum of people who I've known for several years and a great girlfriend (Vanessa), but I need a professional to help me out with other issues I have. I've had two sessions so far as it is a bit strange as we haven't really spoken about anything I went there for yet, but I'm going to give it a bit of time.

However, I think I need to go back to the way I used to be when I was last truly happy, the period of 2005-7, a period when I was able to just be myself. I had people around who I could talk to about simple stuff such as music and they would know what I was refering to, now there's no-one around that I can have those conversations with. After I moved to Nottingham, all these friends left Lincoln and I'm now not even close to being socialable after moving back to Lincoln in 2009. I don't really have anyone around other than Vanessa who I feel I can be socialable with.



How I feel at the moment

 I think I just feel lost really, I don't really know who I am anymore, what I want to do or who I want in my life. Up until July I knew exactly what I wanted to do with my life, I knew who I was, who I wanted to be, where I wanted to be and I had the next 50 years of my life planned out..........now I don't even know what I'm going to be doing tomorrow. Maybe I need to take that leap of faith and just get a fresh start somewhere else, maybe mundanity has just taken it's toll on me.

Maybe threatening Jack was the wake up call I needed. Maybe it's the signal that I can't go on without changing something. I think it's time that I start to restore myself to the state of being I was in 2005-7, it's time I try and find what makes me happy again, so if anyone reads this, lives nearby to me (I like in Lincoln, England) and likes the below type of music, give me a shout because it would be nice to make some new friends.