Lost......again - No love, no hope, no glory, no happy ending?

Oh yes people, it's that time again, me to have a bit of a moan about me not having a clue what I want to do with the rest of my life again.

I've refered to it a few times throughout this blog but before July I knew exactly what I wanted in my life, I knew how I wanted to spend the rest of my days and I was content with where my life was heading then July 2011 came. During those 31 days my life changed considerably. I basically destroyed my ankle, meaning I had to retire from playing football, I went out of the UK for the first time in ages and I had a conversation with one of my best friends that changed my life, and it was the latter two that were the the prompt for my journey into a void of uncertainty.

All I've effectively done since then it try (being the key word in this sentence) and reassess my life. I no longer have anything keeping me here. I don't actually care that much about the local football club, so much to the point where I don't even react when we score, I just stand/sit there and don't clap and/or cheer, I am just past caring. I'm not close to a single member of my family, so much to the point where the closest thing I have to a family that I can communicate with properly are my best friends, and they all live in another continent.

Toronto - My future home?

This has probably seen me annoy these friends to hell as when I feel close to someone, I get a bit over-enthusiastic and I know I can test their patience quite a bit. These are pretty much the only people I care about. As harsh as it sounds, I genuinely couldn't give a shit about anyone other than about 5/6 people. Don't get me wrong, I have a lot of acquaintences, but not many friends, and the fact the most of the friends I do have live in other countries, is one of the reasons why I am considering leaving.

I did recently get offered a job in America but didn't take it for various reasons but I would still like to move over to America or Canada at some point in my life, so much to the point where I have started applying for lots of jobs over there in various cities, mostly on this side of the Atlantic. I've applied for jobs in New York, Washington, Toronto, Ottawa and Burlington, amongst many others.... I found it unusual that in the latter three are all based in Ontario in Canada, an area where there are more English in the population than Canadians, how's that for a random fact. I think there's about 35 towns/cities in the right hand side of America and Canada where my CV (resume to any Americans and Canadians reading this) is currently in circulation.

Why can't life ever be simple?

I suppose whilst I'm talking about things where I don't know what I want to do properly, I might as well talk about something which I definitely have no control over, love. I've always been prone to fallen for people on a regular basis but the feeling has virtually never been recipricated with the same feelings.

I'm coming up on 27 and a half and in that whole time I have been not been in the relationship status of "single" for precisely 2 weeks and 6 days, spread across two girlfriends. Yes, throughout my entire live I have only ever dated two girls.

Don't get me wrong, I can survive being single, afterall I've been single for all but just shy of three weeks of my life, but it would be nice to have at least one serious relationship at some point during my life.

I did recently tell a girl I loved her and it wasn't recipricated, but I don't even know why I told her to be honest. I wasn't expecting anything to happen because of several factors, but it was nice to get it off my chest as the feeling had been building for quite some time. I suppose I'm lucky that me and this person had been friends for a long time because if it was someone who I had only just met then the chances of us communicating afterwards would be quite slim.

To be honest I'm not even entirely sure why I'm complaining about love, I suppose I would have to go outside and be socialable to meet someone. I can't remember the last time I went on a night out with friends and tried to meet someone. I suppose that would help.

You know what, I can't be bothered to moan anymore so will leave it there.

Later people.

Origins : The unusual email address

I often get asked about how some aspects of my life got started up so I figured I would start with a nice easy one, my email address. Now, I'm not going to reveal my full email address, in other words I'm not going to give what follows the @ sign, but what comes before it is bestfriendsbecomestrangers.

If I was to give the simple answer then I could just tell you that it's lyrics from a song. That song is "Say Anything" by Good Charlotte and that specific lyric is in the start of the second verse.

My reasons for choosing this were at the time, which was around 2005, I was having a few difficulties keeping ahold of friends, especially those close to me. I had lost Maz at the time, who went on what could best be described as "radio silence" and I was having a rough time, and then me and a girl who I have known for about 4 years at the time had a MASSIVE argument and didn't speak for about a month. During which time I created the email address.

Infact, at around the time I was such a fucking dick, I would have hated me. Looking back I was such an complete and total dick, I became "depressed" for stupid reasons and if I could time travel and meet myself from 2005, I would give myself a good ol' slap.

Anyway, yeah, I was looking for a new email address and I was really into Good Charlotte's "Young and Hopeless" album at the time, heard that lyric and thought it suited my mood at the time, and that is the origin of the email address.

The song can be found below and as I say, the lyric that sparked the email address is just after the chorus, enjoy.

Two weeks in.......

Before I start, please note that this blog contains a few references to the area around my genitalia, so for those who don't like reading about that sort of thing, or if the thought of me talking about that area of my body turns your stomach a bit, don't read on.


Well I'm two weeks into my diet and things are going reasonably. My initial rapid weight loss has slowed down and I think I'm not at that level where I'll lose 2 pounds a weight, give or take. It is disappointing not to see the weight go down rapidly but at least I'm not gaining weight, which is probably the most important thing. 12 pounds in two weeks isn't that bad afterall, average of 6 pounds a week, most people on diets would kill for that.

My main form of exercise at the moment is coming through biking to and from work, which works out at about 10 miles per day, all done within 60 or so minutes (3 miles to the train station, 2 miles from the train station at the other end to work, and then reverse for the return journey). The first two days I did it I was absolutely shattered, I felt physically ill on the first day, but since then it's got better and even though lactic acid is still prominent in any of my bike rides, I'm not longer shattered from the bike riding, which is a relief because I really did feel crap on that first morning.

The only problem I have with the biking is that (this is the bit where I talk about that region) it causes a lot of chafing and I'm starting to get small friction burns on my upper left inner thigh (basically right under where the penis/testicles are) and it fucking kills. Because my uppers legs are quite large they rub together on a regular basis, especially when walking, and I can't tell you how uncomfortable it all is at the moment even just walking upstairs.....might have to buy some vaseline.

Other than that I am struggling to get exercise in. I work in an office and don't regularly get the chance to get up and walk around, which means all calories I eat during the day aren't then starting to burnt off until I start the bike ride home. There is a gym opposite work but they appear to have minimal cardio machines....and I certainly don't want to be what would generally be described as "buff". I'd love to be physically fit, but not to the point where my it looks like I'm smuggling small inflated balloons all over my body.

Luckily weekends are quite good as I eat the same amount but I am relatively active on weekends and tomorrow I am going to watching Lincoln away at Kettering. The nearest train station to the ground is 6 miles away and I'm probably going to walk it........I must be fucking mad.

But anyway, until next time, peace out.

My 5 Favourite Albums of all time

Hello all

I've recently been trying to get back into music that I used to like but had forgotten about, I figured I would combine this by also talking about my favourite albums of all time, you lucky devils.

So, in not particular order, my top five albums are.......

BLINK 182 (2004) by Blink 182

I first got into Blink 182 when I heard "All the Small Things" on the radio in what must have been the late 90s, early 2000s. I bought their "Enema of the State" and "Take Off Your Pants and Jacket2 albums and you always got the hint from songs like "Adam's Song" and "Stay Together for the Kids" that they always wanted to release a more serious album, and that's what happened with this album in 2004.

I bought the album from Asda after finishing work and listened to it on the bike home. I really didn't like it at first, I thought it was ridiculously dull and didn't sound good at all. I left it well alone for 2/3 months before giving it another go......and I loved it after that.

There are some brilliant songs on there and they link up so well. Whether it's the singles from the album, such as "Always," "I Miss You" and "Feeling This," or the ones you will probably have not heard of unless you've own it, such as "I'm Lost Without You," you will be hooked on the songs. It is as near perfect as an album gets.

MUTTER by Rammstein

I first heard of Rammstein on the soundtrack to Mortal Kombat Annihilation in 1997 and found their style to be quite unusual, but an enjoyable unusual. Skip forward four years and I am really starting to get into my rock music, saw the album "Mutter" on the shelf and bought it.

Instantly I was hooked to the German lyrics, even though I had absolutely no idea what was being said but I loved. Songs such as "Links 2 3 4," and "Ich Will" still feature on my list of favourite songs and all around the album has an excellent array of songs, all of which get the heart racing, with the exception of the closest thing they have to a ballad on the album, the title song of "Mutter".

Skip forward another 10 years and I have five Rammstetin albums but none have even come close to being as good as "Mutter" ..... although "Liebe ist fur alle da" (2009) has probably my favourite Rammstein song of them all, "Frühling in Paris".

To say how much I love this album, I once found it in my car snapped in half, the first thing I did was

Playing My Game - Lene Marlin

Those who know my usual music choices will be surprised that I have a Norweigan pop album in this list, but I do, so get used to it.

Lene Marlin was popular in the early part of this millennium but is largely unknown now. To be honest, I don't even remember why I bought this album, at the time I liked her, but not enough to buy her album, or so I thought, but then I needed something to listen to on the way to Mansfield, so went into the shop and bought this.

11 years on and I still love this album. There are a few typical poppy songs on there such as "Where I'm Headed," but there are also some beautiful acoustic songs on there and it's music you could just listen to in the bath and fall asleep because it makes you that relaxed. My personal favourite is called "Flown Away," a beautiful, slow tempoed song.

The real shame about this album is that it was her first and by far the best, the three albums that have followed have been largely disappointing in my opinion.

Thank You by Canterbury

Probably my favourite band at the moment is this four-peice from Basingstoke. I first heard of them when channel surfing after getting home from work. Their song "Gloria" instantly became one of my favourite songs and today I could still listen to that one song over and over again and not get bored.

Strangely that song isn't on this album but that doesn't make the album poor, quite the opposite infact. "Gloria" wouldn't really fit into "Thank You" as it's mainly fast past rock, although there are little, slower-paced gems on there such as "Hospital" and "Diver".

There are one or two songs on the album which I am not overly keen on, but for a debut album that hasn't been released on mass, it's very good, especially as you can get the entire album (and Gloria) for a free download off of http://www.canterburythankyou.com/.

I have seen Canterbury live and they are four of the most down to earth people you could ever meet. They're up for a laugh and their treatment of one of the support bands was hilarious, changing Not Advised's entrance music onto the stage to "YMCA", you should have seen the look on their faces, it was hilarious. I'm hoping to go and see them for a second time in a few weeks in Sheffield or Leeds.

They have since released two EPs and their second album gets released in the summer, hopefully it'll be as good as "Thank You".

HYBRID THEORY by Linkin Park

Before they sold out and started doing hip-hop songs with Jay-Z and others, I had a lot of respect for Linkin Park. They were probably the first band I ever fell in love with this was probably the first album I ever loved. As far as a debut mainstream album goes, this was near enough perfect.

You don't get an entrance to the album which "eases" you in, you're just straight in there with two of their singles straight away, "Papercut" and "One Step Closer." It doesn't ease up either with the voices of Mike Shinoda and Chester Bennington bellowing in your ears, but bellowing brilliance.

On an album of 12 songs, there's only one which I don't like and some of them again feature in my Top 100 songs of all time list. My parents also used to hate this album because I would play "Crawling" at loud volumes, and let's put it this way, it's not a song that the older generation will like.

It's such a shame that they sold out because had it not been for that, I would probably still love them as much as I used to. I do still like a few of their songs that they release every now and then though.

Bands are just like buses

For 11 years I have waited to watch Blink 182 and after their show in Nottingham was cancelled last year and rescheduled for this, it will hopefully be worth the wait, but what has made me even more excited about this is that they have announced that the All American Rejects will be their special guests (a nicer way of saying "support band").

I saw All American Rejects live in Nottingham in late 2009 and loved it, it's one of the few gigs I've been to where I haven't been completely and totally bored by the mid-way point. I haven't actually been to that many gigs during my life and it's always something I want to do more of, but then any time I go I remember how quickly they become quite boring, and some that I was extremely excited about were disappointing.

Off the top of my head the aforementioned All American Rejects gig in 2009 was the first I ever went to. I had seen people sing live but only small time bands that aren't even well known where they come from, let alone on a national or international setting, making All American Rejects my first proper venture into watching music live.

Since then I have seen Rammstein, Canterbury and Bowling for Soup live, the latter of which was dreadful and I even left before the end. The Rammstein one was good but was also a bit of a disappointment in the sense that I had heard that seeming them live was epic.......a bit of an exaggeration. Finally, Canterbury, who I saw in November 2010, one of my favourite bands. They were awesome that night and even hung around with the fans after it had all finished.

There aren't many artists that I haven't already seen (or got tickets for) that I would be interested in seeing to be honest. Simple Plan are in the UK soon so might go and watch them, whereas I would also love to see 2Cellos, 30 Seconds to Mars, Sum 41 and Lene Marlin at some point, but they don't visit the UK on a regular basis, so might be a bit stuck with those ones.

Also, it doesn't help that Lincoln is virtually in the middle of nowhere, meaning no-one big (at the time of them coming) will come here.....or at least no-one that I want to see.

I'm fine, thank you for asking!!!!

"Don’t be reckless with other people’s hearts, don’t put up with people who are reckless with your's"- Mary Schmich, later turned into lyrics by Baz Luhrmann.

This morning I have been quite disheartened by recent events with various people, more to the point, the way some of my so called friends act.

I've always been the type of person who will need friends to keep me going for various reasons, so I always make sure that I treat the friends I have with respect, honesty and openess. I try to be there whenever my friends need me and with a lot of them, I will drop everything that I am doing if they need my help or advice. I don't get the same in return.

I know it's only a small thing but when I enquire as to how you are, it hurts when after you answer, you don't actually ask me how I am. The thing is that this isn't just confined to a few friends, this is spread across several people. The thing is that if it only happened once or twice then I wouldn't actually complain, you might forget on occasions but every once in a while would be nice, I can think of at least 10 people who I always ask how they are, they respond.........but then move onto another subject. I'm fine, thank you for asking!

I think I seriously need to reassess who I consider a friend because I'm getting sick of bending over backwards for people who treat me like shite all of the time. I know I have both fond and bad memories of Marinda, but at least she had the decency that whenever we did speak, she would always ask how I was after I had enquired.

As I say, it's only a small thing but it just fucks me off. It fucks me off how much time I dedicate to my friends, spending our conversations helping them with stuff but they are seemingly unprepared to return that consideration when I have something I would like to talk about.

What I wish I was.....

I am Nathan Jackson (although I may occasionally incorporate my original last name of Wood into that).
I am 27 years old.
I am English.
I am a Virgo.
I have brown hair.
I have brown eyes.
I am a fan of rock music.
I can't stand R&B/Hip-Hop/Rap.
I own an Atari, Amiga, MegaDrive, Playstation 1, 2 and 3, a GameCube, a Wii and a high-spec laptop.
I have been in Zoo Magazine.

THIS IS PROBABLY WHAT MY THOUGHT
PROCESSES LOOK LIKE. BASICALLY A COLLECTION
OF "WHAT IF" DECISIONS

Those are ten facts about me, ten things I can say are well and truly me.....one thing I can't say about myself is being what people would describe as a "free spirit", or to put it bluntly, those who live in the moment. The weird thing is that I attract plenty of friends like that, I've had plenty of friends who are like that, such as Marinda, Megan and Charlie, three people who seemingly live by the moto of "dance like no-one is watching."

It's always something I have admired in people, people who don't plan stuff on a day to day basis, they just do whatever feels right at the time. I wish I was like that. Don't get me wrong, I do like random stuff and doing things I hadn't planned on, for example, I recently went up to see the aforementioned Charlie just a few hours after talking to her on the phone, that despite not having it planned, that was quite unusual for me. I don't even usually phone people unless it's pre-arranged.

Don't get me wrong, sometimes I do do stuff that isn't planned, but it's only stuff like going into the city centre, but nothing major. I read stories of people just randomly waking up and deciding to go onto a plane to another country, I just couldn't do that, it'd have to be planned.

I would just love to be one of those people who look back at the end of the day and go "I had none of that planned whatsoever". I think the happiest people are those who plan as little of their day as possible......or even just those who have a rough idea of what they want to do.

I'll give you an example.

I want to go to the cinema to watch a film (as opposed to all those other things you do at a cinema....). Here is my chain of thoughts......

1. What's actually on that I would want to watch?
2. If there is something on, what showing do I actually want to see?
3. Ok, what should I actually wear?
4. Should I shower before hand? When was my last shower?
5. Should I drive or get the bus?
6. (after deciding to drive as I don't do the bus) Ok, it starts at (for example) 8.20, I want to get there quite early so let's think about this.....
7. It's a 20 minute drive to the cinema



LINCOLN'S ODEON CINEMA

8. Which car park do I use? (there are two within a few minutes walk of the cinema)
9. I want to get there in time to be able to sit down rather than having to stand up before being let in.
10. Should I go to the shops first?

Let's put it this way, that could go on much all night long and I'd end up leaving my house at about 7pm. The people I have described that I want to be like would have the following thought process.

1. What's on?
2. What time?
3. Ok, let's go.

I wish I was like that.

Oh well, I suppose I should go and plan what I'm doing for the rest of the week.

I need a long, well earned and most of all, overdue holiday



SKEG VEGAS BEACH - IT ACTUALLY MANAGES TO LOOK
NICE AND RESPECTABLE IN THIS PICTURE

 It's August 2004, I am 19 years old and it's time for the Jackson family holiday.

Every year the family went somewhere along the Lincolnshire coast for a week for a holiday. In 2004 myself, my parents, my brother and sister, their partners, the neices and the newly born nephew all went to Skegness (nicknamed Skeg Vegas). It was a decent week but little did I know that it would be the last time I would go on holiday, at least to date.

Now, don't get me wrong, I've had trips since then and stayed in several hotels, but I've had nothing I would consider a holiday. I think a holiday is where you go somewhere and just completely relax for all the time you're there, all my breaks since the 2004 holiday have seen me either only in the area for a football match, or doing something all of the time without any time to relax.

Now, for all those who read this and are thinking "But Skegness is only 50 miles from where you live, why not go there for the week?" Good question is my response, the reason being that Skegness is not the place you really go for a holiday to relax. Skegness is a very popular destination for families, meaning that you're always surrounded by families and their kids, if I'm going to go on holiday I want to be somewhere where I don't hear screaming all day long. I know I could easily just go at a time of the year when kids aren't going to be there....i/e during the autumn, but Skegness, and anywhere along the Lincolnshire coast for that matter, is a bit of a shithole with sod all to do.

I'm unsure where I'd want to go, I'd like to go travelling maybe and I do have an option to go on this thing called "Complete North America -  Route 66" where you drive down Route 66 in America and see all the landmarks along the way, that is something I am extremely interested in, but the person who I am potentially doing this with isn't going to do it until mid-2013.

So where to? Where to indeed? Well that all depends on what's happening with my career. I recently got offered a job in America. I'm not sure whether I'm going to take it yet, but if I do I'd love to go and see some of my friends who live over that side of the Atlantic, in both America and Canada.....although the latter I would certainly have to wear multiple layers for for reasons I mentioned in a previous blog.

I suppose I should stop moaning, but I do need a good, long break after nearly 8 years without a proper holiday.

The demoralising realisation of my inaccurate diet

Hello all

I trust your Saturday evening is going well?



THIS CAN NOW BE FOUND IN MY LUNCHBOX
 ON A REGULAR BASIS

 I've written a bit about a diet that I've been on and at first I was doing well, I had lost a fair bit of weight...or at least I thought I had. It turns out my scales were wrong all this time and I actually started this diet weighing four pounds more than I thought I did. You have no idea how demoralising it is to actually realise that when you've been weighing yourself and getting excited by your new weight, that you should actually add four on to get your weight.

After going through all my weights on myfitnesspal (the app I'm using) and changing all my weight entries, it turns out that I'm now what I thought I was several days ago, that is quite disappointing to say the least. Don't get me wrong, I've still lost the same amount of weight, but I'm just that little bit further from my goal than I thought I was, and I don't like it.



Another issue that has started to come up is that I've started biking a lot and am burning calories like no-one's business, I burnt well over 1,000 the other day just by biking to and from work, as well as the general walking around during the day, however, constantly working my muscles didn't quite have the effect I hoped it would and my weight now seems to be stablising a bit. After losing a lot in the first few days of the diet, now my weight loss has slowed down, that despite doing more exercise than when I was losing more weight, and my diet hasn't changed.



ANOTHER REGULAR ADDITION TO MY LUNCHBOX



I know I was in this for the long haul and that there will good weeks and bad weeks along the way to reaching my goal of 200 pounds, but it is just a bit demoralising to think you're one weight, only to then be told you're heavier than you thought you were. I know it's only four pounds but it feels like a major set back on my mission to lose weight.





Don't get me wrong, I still weigh less than I did at this point last week and I love that. I love that now I don't feel constantly bloated and a slight bit fitter, but it's just a bit of a blow.

It's not all doom and gloom though with regards to my diet. I may not be losing weight as quickly as I lost it initially but at least I'm not putting it back on, and I've taken steps to try and get more accurate readings of how many calories I am burning by buying a pedometer on my phone which gives you steps taken, distance, time taken and calories burnt based on my height and weight, as well as a cycling app, which allows me to do pretty much the exact same thing, just on a bike rather than my feet.

I am determined to see this through to the end. Too many times I've said to myself that I'll lose weight and then not done it, so this is the time to do it. Granted, none of my clothes will fit properly if I do see if all the way through, but a new wardrobe is a small price to pay for being happy with the way I look......well, in terms of being thin(ish), I'll still be stuck with my ugly mug at the end of it.

I am pleased to see that my "Fitness Buddy" is on the way to achieving her goal, at least I'm doing on thing right and helping her successfully :)

Oh well.

Eternal Sunshine of the Curious Mind

You know what RadioLab is good for? Inspiration.

This morning I listened to one of their podcasts called “Memory and Forgetting” and it was an extremely interesting hour of radio. In it they talk about how it becomes possible to erase memories and create them. It was an interesting concept because it makes me wonder what I would personally erase, if anything.

At first I was a bit sceptical as to whether it was actually possible to do something like this, but then they mention an experiment with rats. They got rats and sounded a buzzer at random points before then shocking the rats, making rats associate the buzzer with being electrical shocks. They notice the rat’s reactions physically, i/e bracing itself for the shock. What they do to erase the memory is inject the rat with a drug immediately after the buzzer, meaning that they are injecting the rat whilst it is preparing itself for a shock, i/e remember the association. The next time they sounded the buzzer, the rat did precisely nothing before being shocked. It had forgotten the association because of this drug.

It was speculated that this actually fully erased the memory of the rat, rather than simply erasing that specific memory, so what they do is they do two different buzzers, both still sending an electric shock into the rat, but now it associates two different sounds with being shocked. After a while they decide to sound one buzzer, then inject the rat in a similar way to before. The exact same thing happens, the next time it doesn’t remember. They then sound the other alarm but the rat shows the physical signs related to that shock, meaning that they successfully erased the memory association of the first buzzer to being shocked without effecting other memories.

They can also create memories by getting a subject to talk about certain people and experiences, seeing how the brain reacts to each word and then somehow creating a memory from that, usually of getting lost in a shopping centre as a young child.



Eternal Sunshine of the Spotland Mind (2004)



In a way it’s not too dissimilar to the film “Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind,” where Jim Carrey’s character gets his memory erased of his former girlfriend (Kate Winslet), and you go through the journey with him as he is gradually losing his memory.



It does make you wonder if you would volunteer to get anything erased.  They give examples of someone being raped and several other similar types of memories and in that sense, I think it would be a good thing as you could easily erase traumatic events of your life. However, it’s not something I would do.





I have had a lot of events in my life which still haunt me today,  stuff like losing friends (mainly through my own fault), getting run over when I was 4/5 years old, and stuff like that. Despite that, I would not get my memory erased of these events, they have made me who I am today. Without these memories I could easily not have gone on to do things in my life that I am proud of, or make friends that I have made. For example, if I hadn’t stopped being friends with Faye in April 2002, I would never have become friends with Marinda.

It’s very similar in a way to how I have spent most of my life having a body image issue (but not anymore though) as up until July sort of time, I had always had a specific thing I wanted to change about my body. Now, I’m not going to mention what the thing is (although obviously some of you already know what it is) but whenever I was asked would I have preferred to have been born that way (i/e being born with my body being the way I want it to be now), I always say no. Had I been born that way then I wouldn’t have made the same friends I have now, I wouldn’t have had the same experiences growing up (either positive or negative) and I’m always of the belief that is effectively “better the devil you know.”