This happy little kid turned into me
What the hell happened?
Earlier I became ashamed of myself as I seriously lost my cool with someone. Most people know it takes a lot of make me angry, but the last two days have seen me get extremely angry at three people, two of whom deserved, but today saw me threaten someone because I got exceptionally angry. I'm not even a violent person and I just became disgusted with myself afterwards. I won't get fully into what happened and why I was angry at him, but I owe Jack Mulhall an apology.
Me and Jack first met just after Christmas 2008 and although I've never considered him a good friend, or even a friend the majority of the times, he didn't deserve what happened this morning. The thing with Jack is that he knows how to wind me up, and he often tries......and succeeds in his attempts, but even then he didn't deserve the reaction he got today and it made me think about how I am continuing to change into someone I don't like.
I have mentioned in recent blogs that I have started therapy again because although I think I am generally quite strong, I don't think I am quite strong enough on my own anymore. I do have a network of three/four good friends, a forum of people who I've known for several years and a great girlfriend (Vanessa), but I need a professional to help me out with other issues I have. I've had two sessions so far as it is a bit strange as we haven't really spoken about anything I went there for yet, but I'm going to give it a bit of time.
However, I think I need to go back to the way I used to be when I was last truly happy, the period of 2005-7, a period when I was able to just be myself. I had people around who I could talk to about simple stuff such as music and they would know what I was refering to, now there's no-one around that I can have those conversations with. After I moved to Nottingham, all these friends left Lincoln and I'm now not even close to being socialable after moving back to Lincoln in 2009. I don't really have anyone around other than Vanessa who I feel I can be socialable with.
How I feel at the moment
I think I just feel lost really, I don't really know who I am anymore, what I want to do or who I want in my life. Up until July I knew exactly what I wanted to do with my life, I knew who I was, who I wanted to be, where I wanted to be and I had the next 50 years of my life planned out..........now I don't even know what I'm going to be doing tomorrow. Maybe I need to take that leap of faith and just get a fresh start somewhere else, maybe mundanity has just taken it's toll on me.
Maybe threatening Jack was the wake up call I needed. Maybe it's the signal that I can't go on without changing something. I think it's time that I start to restore myself to the state of being I was in 2005-7, it's time I try and find what makes me happy again, so if anyone reads this, lives nearby to me (I like in Lincoln, England) and likes the below type of music, give me a shout because it would be nice to make some new friends.
Please note I have experienced some formatting issues with this particular blog entry.
I really can't get enough
of this quote. Love it.
A week ago I stumbled across a quote which has changed the way I look at things........
“Your journey has molded you for your greater good, and it was exactly what it need to be. Don't think that you've lost time. It took each and every situation you have encountered to bring you to the now. and now is right on time.”
― Asha Tyson adsjpiasjdoijasojdaoisdj
Since then I have been reassessing a lot of things and to be more precise, the recent past. The quote taught me that there's no point regretting the past because I can't change it, but what I can do is use my experiences to shape my future.
I'm not going to beat around the bush, it's time to be open and honest to a point where it might upset a few people, and let's start with the person who started this mini-evolution of me, Jodi. adsjpiasjdoijasojdaoisdj
I thank Jodi for the 11 years we were friends, I appreciate the times she helped me but I no longer regret losing my friendship with her. It is what it is now because we just weren't compatible of friends at this time. We were good friends and maybe we'll be good friends again in the future, who knows? adsjpiasjdoijasojdaoisdj
Don't get me wrong, Jodi was a lovely girl and was one of the few who could bring out virtually every emotion in me, and it hurts how our friendship quickly fell apart, but I think it might have been a good thing as she isn't what I need right now so there's no point regretting what happened anymore. I have apologised for my part in the friendship falling apart (for those that don't know, her friend accused me of being a stalker, something which I can assure you I was not, and I find it disappointing that now she is going around saying I was to people, at least according to the people who have contacted me to tell me what she's been saying. I don't really want to replicate the immaturity she has shown since the friendship ended, but I can assure you all that I have not, am not, and nor do I ever intend to stalk Jodi). adsjpiasjdoijasojdaoisdj
If she accepts my apology then great, if not then meh, either way I think that friendship is dead in the water for the time being, although never say never. That is the last time I will ever reference Jodi in this blog. adsjpiasjdoijasojdaoisdj
Letting go of regret has been the best thing that has ever happened to me. It's a fine line between regret and insanity and I was treading that line very dangerously, but that's the old me. This shit happened but there's nothing I can do about it, just get on with it. And I think that it's summed up quite well in a quote from the Shawshank Redemption, "Get busy living or get busy dying!" adsjpiasjdoijasojdaoisdj
So yeah, this is now what my life is going to be, regretting the past is pointless, it's all about the future. I think about the past on a regular basis and have regretted stuff, I have regularly gotten nostalgic as well, but the best part about nostalgia is that you conveniently forget the bad parts of what you're remembering, and that's the difference between the two. Nostalgic is fucking awesome and that's what's going to happen from now on. Nostalgia, not regret.
The Donbass Arena
Home of Shaktar Donestk
Venue for England vs France
As regular readers know, I am a fan of the most popular sport in the world, football.....and by football I don't mean the game that is effectively rugby on steroids. I've been to a few big games in the past. I've been to Champions League finals, I've been to FA Cup and Playoff Finals, I've been to games at all 92 Football League and Premiership clubs, hell, I've even been to a triangle match (three goals, three different teams facing each other at the same time), any type of match you can imagine, I've probably been to.....except for an international tournament.
About a year or so ago I thought it would be nice to go to the European Championships that are taking place later this year, so me and two people from work applied for tickets. We initially planned on going to three games but that eventually went down to one, and it was going to be in my prefered choice of Donetsk. We didn't know which teams we would be watching, but just to get a ticket would have been fantastic, so when the news came through a few weeks later, we were delighted. It later turned out the game would be England vs France.
All of us got quite excited and started planning, but it was at this point that issues started.
External view of the Donbass
However, then the other two people started getting reservations with regards to plane flights and the fact there were very few hotels within a reasonable distance of the stadium, and both pulled out, meaning I was left on my own effectively. Now initially I was like "fuck it then, I'll go on my own.....but on my own in the middle of the Ukraine is not an ideal situation, so I thought that when the ticket arrives, I'll sell it.
Skip forward and it's now 10 weeks until the game and I am suddenly finding myself wanting to go again, but the negatives far outweigh the positives when debating whether to go. I mean it is just another stadium and it's not particularly unique in it's design, but it just looks awesome fom the outside, especially at night, and I am very keen to see this in person.
Decisions, decisions.
Positives
Stadium I've wanted to visit for a long time.
Chance for a game at an international tournament and effectively complete the set
Negatives
The Ukraine has a reputation for being less than safe
I can't speak Ukrainian and have left it too late to learn.
It's quite expensive
The nearest hotel that's available is 30 miles away and it's £120 a night.
THe seat isn't actually that great
I still want to go and probably still will end up going, but it's going to be a tough choice.
As I mentioned in the video for my previous blog entry, I owe two people a massive thank you and they are Ellen and Charlie.
Myself and Ellen back in 2007....after she had stolen my hat
I've known both of them since 2005 and since then they have been awesome friends and I can't thank them enough, especially over the last few months where they have both really helped with my well documented (well, I say well documented, on here and Facebook) issues.
I first met both of them when I started working at BT. I had been working there for about 2 months when one day a girl came up to me saying asking if the seat next to me was free......"Go for it" was my response.
After about two hours she noticed I had a lot of football programmes next to me that I was slowly making my way through. This lead onto our first ever conversation and we just clicked instantly. Two nights later and my, her and her boyfriend at the time went on a night out.
Soon afterwards I met Ellen through Charlie, probably at Cubes. She also worked at BT but in a different team, so we rarely spoke, but we also got on quite well, although we are very different people in the sense that Ellen is loud, in your face and very friendly, at the time I was pretty much the opposite, the shy, retiring type. It was very weird, but a good weird.
Through these two and the weekly nights out to Cubes, I met some people who I have also gone on to be good friends with, such as Catherine, Debra and a few others who's names escapes me.
I don't think I've ever been more socialable than when I am with Charlie and Ellen. I was regularly going out on Friday nights with them (although I often didn't stay out long), I would go to the cinema with them (as opposed to the usual venturing on my own) and they were just awesome.
What I also love is their sense of humour. Me and Charlie both have warped senses of humour and are both a bit nostalgic. A few weeks after meeting her me and her had a massive Bomberman (an old game on the Megadrive for those who are not aware) session. I think we were playing for about 4/5 hours....which I can assure you, is a long time to be playing Bomberman.
Charlie
I've had some great times with both of them, and some of the funniest moments of my life has been with them.
Ellen's school"girl" night out for her birthday in 2006.
Carrying Charlie on my back before starting to go uphill and getting tired very quickly.
Once getting changed in Ellen's room, one of her room-mates sort of walked in and then shouted "Ellen's got a naked boy in her room" at the top of her voice.
Good times. Good times indeed.
But what I love most about these two is that they are there for their friends. Granted, they don't always answer the phone, but I know that there is a reason behind it, rather than some others would just not answer for the sake of not answering. Over the past few weeks they have been awesome by helping me through my issue with Jodi, as well as various other things, and I can't thank them enough. There are no words for how great these two are.
I figured that I would try a video to go on this blog rather than me just being sat here typing for hours on end.
I messed up the first attempt but figured I'd share it anyway, whereas I've also shared the two songs that I talk about in the video, just so you know what I am looking at.
In the videos I talk about a few aspects of my life at the moment, including relationships, old friends, my potential plans to move abroad and how Lincoln City have managed to win two games in a row.
As I briefly mentioned in previous blogs, I've been learning German at evening college in Nottingham and tonight that came to an end.....to my surprise. It turned out that tonight was the last lesson as the course had run it's 20 weeks, and I'm not available to do an additional five weeks that they were putting on in a few weeks. Now, I knew it was ending soon, but I was quite surprised by how soon.
It's a shame in a way because I enjoyed going to Nottingham every Monday, it gave me a nice mini-break from Lincoln and Newark, and typically it comes when the clocks have changed, meaning that I could actually enjoy the sights as I was making my way to the college, rather than just being able to see pitch black and street lights.
There were times when I wasn’t getting home until near enough 11:30pm because I would miss the 8:29 train (I do drive but the roads leading to the college are a nightmare, I can’t stand them) and the next/last train wasn’t until 10:20pm, and it just became exhausting because if I was on my 8-4 shift, I wouldn’t have a chance to relax as I’d be going to bed near enough as soon as I would be getting in, which wasn’t good.
I also assure you that filling two hours in the middle of Nottingham at that time of night when you have a bag full of books and your laptop isn’t easy. Before I went on my diet I was regularly going to the McDonalds near Market Square, buying a Big Mac meal (with a milkshake) and chomping it down……it’s no wonder I put on as much weight as I did by eating over 1000 calories less than 3 hours before I went to bed….with no exercise.
Germany - I could potentially hold a
basic conversation here.
It's also a bit bizarre in the sense that all of a sudden, the people who I’ve spent the last 20 weeks with are no longer going to be around, which is very bizarre. It's not even like I'll see them around and about because I was the only one who doesn't live in Nottingham. I only really got to know one of them as well (hi Lesley), so it’s a bit strange having the feeling of missing someone when you never really knew them, if that made sense.
The course didn’t start well as it had a really dull lecturer teaching at first and it appeared that she was literally only going to play CDs and get us to read along to a book…..I could do that shit at home…..which is what I imagine a lot of people felt as the first week had 25 people attending……the second only 11…..and by tonight’s lesson we were down to just 6. There are some people who I would definitely go for a social outing with if I ever saw them around, Lesley, Karen, Matt, Victoria and a few others.
The course does have a second year that starts in October(ish) time, I am unsure whether I will enrol though as I don’t know what I’ll be doing at that time, but I know that between now and then it’ll be nice to have my Monday evenings back to myself. It’ll be nice to be home half an hour after finishing my shift, something I haven’t been able to say for some time.
I don't often write about football in this blog but in the middle of fighting my own personal demons, I had to take the time out from that to address the situation at Lincoln City Football Club.
Let me give you a bit of a back story first. I first started going to Lincoln City on a regular basis in 2000/1, after a difficult first few years it seemed the club would die. The club entered administration and made several members of staff redundant, including then manager Alan Buckley. Rob Bradley decided to appoint Keith Alexander (RIP), Buckley's assistant, as permanent manager following a spell as caretaker. Keith's legion of non-league players, lead by the brilliant business mind of Rob Bradley, meant that the Imps were suddenly a club on the up.
Keith Alexander - RIP
A first ever foray into the Playoffs followed, the first of five in a row. Names such as Alan Marriott, Simon Yeo, Simon Weaver, Richard Butcher (RIP), Peter Gain, Ben Futcher, Paul Morgan, Mark Bailey and several others set the foundations on the pitch for easily the best spell the club has had for several years, and as time went on players came into the club who have gone on to play in the Championship and Premiership, namely Gareth McAuley, Gary Taylor-Fletcher, Jack Hobbs and Jamie McCombe.
In 2005 Rob Bradley announced he was going to step down as Chairman. He was replaced by Steff Wright. A mass exodus of players lead Alexander to have to replace most of the squad and the Imps were struggling in the lower reaches of midtable as the club headed into New Year's Day. On January 2nd, as the Imps were heading to Mansfield Town for a local derby, the news came through that Keith Alexander had been placed on gardening leave. In the week that followed Gary Simpson (assistant manager) left, as well as Keith Roe and Ray Trew, the latter of which has gone on to be the current chairman at Notts County.
Things on the pitch did improve and despite being awful for the majority of the time, the club again made the Playoffs but lost 3-1 on aggregate to Grimsby. Keith Alexander quit the club a few days later, stating he had taken the club as far as he could.
Time went by as John Schofield, Peter Jackson and Chris Sutton were all appointed and failed to replicate consistently what Keith Alexander had done before Steff Wright announced he was going to leave as Chairman at the end of the 2009/10 season. He was replaced by Bob Dorrian in the summer of 2010, twelve months later the club were relegated. Skip forward 10 months and the Imps are again in danger of being relegated and with the Imps in terrible form but refusing to get rid of a manager who has only recorded two League wins since the beginning of December, there is a planned protest at Saturday's game against Newport.
The fans are protesting about how the club is being run, with many unhappy with Dorrian in particular. Dorrian has gained a reputation of saying what he wants to suit whoever he is talking to, with many saying that he alledgely changed his story from one minute to the next in the same conversation.
On Tuesday afternoon, the football club released the following statement on the official site.
The Board of Directors wish to condemn publicly the protest being organised by a small section of 'supporters' to take place prior to Saturday's vital Blue Square Bet Premier game against Newport County at Sincil Bank Stadium.
It seems that some of these 'supporters' are motivated by a desire to undermine the Board of Directors and to put the Club's Blue Square Bet Premier status at risk in the process is, quite simply, a disgrace.
Sincil Bank - Soon to be a Blue Square North ground
The outcome of such actions will almost certainly have a detrimental effect on the players and now, more than ever, is the time for positivity not negativity from everyone who has the future of Lincoln City Football Club at heart.
To me that signals the end of Lincoln City Football Club as we know it. The statement effectively says that the fans aren't allowed to have an opinion if they're not going to back the club.
When running a website about the club, I often got into arguments with the other fans as our opinions differed somewhat, but I always respected their right to that opinion, something wwhich the board doesn't seem to be doing. I must have missed the moment when our football club became a dictatorship, where only those in power get to decide what's the right and wrong opinion to have.
Let me put this into some kind of perspective for you with the use of stats. If these don't show you why the fans are discontented, nothing will.
Since Keith Alexander left the club
Seasons : 6 (including the current one)
Managers (permanent only) : 5 (including the current one)
Top Half Finishes : 1
Relegations : 1
League Matches Played : 267
League Wins : 74 (27.76%)
League Defeats : 120 (44.94%)
Goals For : 309
Goals Against : 389
Seasons with more home wins than defeats : 2 (2006/7 and 2009/10)
Wins by 3 or more goals : 7
Defeats by 3 or more goals : 19
So, the board of Lincoln City Football Club, based on all the above, please point out why the fans should be happy? The statement from the board is a joke, it really is. Rob Bradley always used to say that the fans made the club, so for the current board to say that the fans are killing the club is one of the most ludicrus things I've ever seen in my life.
You say it's a minority? The only minority in regards to Lincoln fans at the moment is those that are happy with the way things are going. The ones who are protesting are those that want to put their frustrations into action.
Well done Lincoln City Football Club, with this statement you have gone a long way to killing this football club.
I'm glad I stopped giving a fuck a long time again and I have already decided that this will be the last season that I will have a season ticket. I have highlighted in this blog on many occasions that I am planning on moving to either America or Canada, and regardless of whether I have moved or not by the time next season comes around, I am no longer prepared to constantly pump my money in for a club that is well on it's way to dying on it's arse.
As you've probably noticed in my last few entries, I've not exactly been the picture of perfect mental health. I have mentioned in a few blogs in the recent past that I have often been questioning my mental health and I think it was important to question that as I have now done the most important thing, admitting I have a problem.
In recent years I have slowly alienated those closest to me and it cost me some of the closest people to me. Marinda, despite her many flaws, could always make me laugh and was loveable in her own way. Jodi, despite her flaws, was generally a good friend, and it's the falling apart of the friendship with her which is what has sparked all of this off.
I also think I am a bit delusional as I have often thought that I was better than most people at various things. For example, when I used to play football in the Sunday League for Flintham, Collingham and Branston, I always used to question why I wasn't getting played as I was the only striker regularly scoring in training for all three, but not only did I never actually perform when it mattered, but I have always been shit at football. I may have the odd good game every few months, but largely I am shocking at football, and yet I was always questioning why I wasn't playing.
I could go on listing my flaws but I'm pretty sure most of you have a good idea as to my flaws anyway.
So yeah, admitting that I have a problem was the first step and this morning I have taken the important second step, seeking help. Yesterday I obtained the names and numbers of some counselling and therapist services in the Lincoln area and sent various emails out.
Step 1 : Admit the problem
Step 2 : Start finding help
Step 3 : Stop being a fuckhead
It took 24 hours but the whole Jodi situation has caught up with me and I'm not coping well now. Being left alone with my thoughts when I have nothing else to think about is killing me.
I think it's time to restart therapy as I'm not strong enough to fight this on my own. I am more damaged than I care to admit and for my generally calm exterior most of the time, I'm constantly fighting an internal war. I fear for my sanity, what remains of it anyway.
I always thought I was the strong one in friendships, but it turns out that I was always the one who needed the other person.
Please note I wrote this part of the blog on Friday morning, roughly 10am.
Well it's been a strange few weeks and this morning is probably the strangest of them all.
I'm not going to go into too many details but here is a short summary. I've mentioned a woman on here called Jodi on several occasions. Me and Jodi were friends for 10 years give or take, it was a bit up and down to say the last, but recently things took a bit of a strange turn for various reasons. Notice all the uses of the past-tense in that sentence? Well long story short, I sent a message to her last night where I got some feelings off of my chest and the reaction is that, on the most basic level, we have not been friends as of around 7:45 this morning. Believe me, it gets far more complicated that that but it would take far too long to properly explain.
The strangest feeling about this whole thing is that I've lost good friends before and felt gutted every single time. Each time I've had a strange feeling in my stomach and felt physically ill for several days on end, this time it's different. I don't know whether I have unconciously preparing myself for this day for some time and although I am disappointed the friendship is over and I will miss Jodi, I loved her as a friend and at points, as more than a friend, but that sickly feeling isn't here. It's hard to explain really. Up until recently I had considered Jodi to be one of my closest friends, but things took a bitter turn very quickly.
Jodi was one of those people who I turned to whenever I have lost friends in the past, so maybe she unintentionally taught me well enough that when the day came, I wouldn't have the normal feelings if/when I lost her. As I say, it's hard to explain because after ten years, sure, I'm going to miss her and I feel a bit gutted, but my reaction in general has surprised me. Maybe it's a good thing I don't have those usual feelings because otherwise I would struggle to get over her.
As I say, I'm not going to get into too many details but I think I can safely say that, for the forseeable future at least, mine and Jodi's friendship is over.
As Jodi reads this blog occasionally, I just want you to know that for what it's worth, thank you for the last ten years.
So yeah, it's bizarre and maybe my feelings about the situation will change in the near future, I genuinely don't know, but for now I'm going to sit here in what can best be described as a state of confusion as to why my feelings aren't what they usually are.
UPDATE : Friday 1:56pm
That weird feeling I usually get has started to kick in but I'm determined not to let it beat me this time.
After the conversation I'm refering to above, in which I was called an arsehole several times, that started bugging me afterwards so I sent out a text to various people who I know aren't my close friends, i/e those that have mixed opinions off me, to ask if they think I'm an arsehole. The response was generally positive, the general concensus being that although I have my moments, I'm generally not an arsehole.
It seems almost strange that this whole situation started with Jodi's friend, sorry, I mean former friend Nolan, calling me a stalker way back at the beginning of February and has ended with being called an arsehole in mid-March. Maybe that's also why I'm not as impacted as I am normally. Since then me and Jodi had only spoken once before today and that conversation lasted literally five messages, and so I had gotten used to not talking to her in a way since then. Infact the only reason today's conversation took place was because I gew frustrated at not being given the chance to talk about the whole thing with Nolan and subsequent issues, whereas with all the other friends I've fallen out with I was talking to them on a regular basis when it happened.
I don't know.
I'll update this later if any other feelings come to mind.
UPDATE : 2:32PM
I think the way I'm going to get through this is keeping myself and my mind busy. It occured to me that whilst the other friendships were falling apart, I was at home and had nothing going on so that's all I could think about.
UPDATE : 10:55PM
Well I came back from a date and saw the stats pages and I've been getting a lot of hits from Canada in the last few hours.....which means one of two things, either Jodi is constantly checking to see what I'm saying about her or she's sending the link to this blog to her friends and they are looking. Either way, meh!
Throughout the last 8 or so hours I have been trying to distract myself throughout the day but couldn't stop thinking about it and what was said. I've had a few friends to talk about it, especially the ever reliable Charlie, which has helped. It still feels pretty strange, but again the usual feeling hasn't come up majorly, or at least not to the usual amount anyway.
As I mentioned briefly earlier, I also went on a date in the evening and the topic came up (she had read the blog entry), thankfully the date was cool with everything, saying the past is the past and we can only look to the future.
I think as time passes this will all become easier and I can move on properly. Don't get me wrong, I think I'm coping reasonably well with the whole situation, maybe because I have been thinking about this day for some time....but for now those of you who know me outside of the confines of the internet will notice that I will be a bit quiet over the next few days and weeks. Infact, if you're ever met in person, you'll know that if something is on my mind then I go a bit quiet. So if I'm not my usual self over the next few days/weeks, it's because I'm thinking of all of this.
That is going to be the last update to this particular blog. If anything else happens, which I doubt to be honest, then they will be placed on another entry.
Some of you may find that title a bit strange but it came from a book, one of my favourite books to be more precise, "The World's Greatest Book of Useless Information".
This blog is nothing more than to share you some of my favourite facts and bits of information from that book. Please note the book is several years old now so these could easily be out of date, but they're still funny and interesting nevertheless.
The average 4 year old asks 400 questions a day
Star Wars was originally going to be called "The Adventures of Luke Skykiller".
The roar of the T-Rex in Jurassic Park is made up of a baby elephant, aligators and tigers.
Until the age of 12, boys will cry as often as girls.
Your skin weighs about 6 pounds.
Sweat itself is odourless, it only becomes smelly when it mixes with bacteria.
A woman's brain takes us 2.5% of her body, men's takes up 2%
The only part of the human body that has no blood supply is the cornea.
The average human heart is only capable of an absolute maximum of 200 beats per minute.
A baby girl is born with enough eggs in her ovaries to become pregnant over 100,000 times.
The average man and the average woman can produce 64 billion children with no genetic duplicates due to the amount of sperm and eggs both have.
A man will produce 72 million sperm a day, enough to populate the entire female population of the world in six weeks.
Women are more prone to phobias than men.
Cows can smell odours from 6 miles away.
A survey in America (I'm assuming that was back in the early 90s) shows that 12% of Americans believe Joan of Arc was Noah's wife.
Until the 1950s Tibetans got rid of their dead by hacking them to pieces and feeding them to birds.
Speaking of Tibet, it is good manners to stick your tongue out at your guests.
In Iceland tipping at restaurants is deemed an insult.
The penalty for masterbation in Indonesia is decapitation.
Topless sales women are legal in Liverpool, England, but only in fish stores.
It is illegal to annoy a bird in any city park of Honolulu.
In Iowa kisses may last no longer than 5 minutes
If a child burps in a church in Nebraska, his parents can be arrested.
Speaking of Nebraska, it's illegal for a woman to give her daughter a perm without a licence
In ancient Cambodia it was illegal to insult a rice plant.
Until the days of Darwin, going to church was a legal requirement in England.
When JFK was assassinated, it wasn't actually illegal to kill the President of the United States.
The average human eats 8 spiders whilst asleep during their life.
25% of alcoholics are female.
And that's your lot for now. Maybe I'll post some more at a later date
It takes a lot for me to be overjoyed about something but I think I can safely say this is one occasions.
Although some of you may be disappointed to hear this, I do not have spinal tumour. Last week I started getting niggling pains in one specific point of my back and then last Saturday is attacked to such an extent that I can describe. On Sunday I couldn't move and had to lay on my front for much of the day and although I was able to move but not comfortably and I was in agony.
Then on Thursday evening, still in a relative pain, I decided to go and see a late night doctor because it was lasting too long to be a pulled muscle or trapped nerve, I had a slight suspicion that it MIGHT be a tumour, but fortunately the doctor confirmed it isn't one of those.
The doctor wasn't sure what it is, but it's not a tumour, so woohoo.
That has pretty much been my last two months or so.
Emotions - Annoying little bastards
You know what I've realised now that I am at stage 5? Emotions do nothing but cause trouble. For the third time in my life I let the emotion of love get in the way of seeing things for what they really were with regards to certain people.
The thing is that I didn't even realise this until the other day when a friend said to me ""Care about being a good person, not what other people think," and that got me thinking. It got me thinking that I am constantly trying to change myself to get other people to like me, but that quote made me realise that if my so called friends can't accept me for who I am, then they're not worth it.
For some people in the last year or so I have tried desperately to change myself to be more like them. I tried (and failed) to like the same type of music as they did, I thought about buying games that they played (I didn't because they're mainly first person and I get ill when playing first person) and various little things like that. It's now that I'm only at stage 5 that I realised I was trying to change myself for people who probably don't give a shit about me.
Abraham Lincoln
His quote was used in
American History X
I have always said that my door is always open for anyone to speak to me about anything, I always had an open door policy, but now that door is well and truly shut to all but three or four people. I am no longer going to let my judgement be comprimised by emotion. I will help those who help me, but as I say, my open door policy is now over.
I realise now that emotion just gets in the way, emotion clouds your judgement and deludes you into seeing something that isn't genuine. So from now on you're going to see a change in me, I am going to go back to how I used to be and be reserved with my emotions. I am no longer going to change just to suit others, I may be your friend, but that's as far as it will go for anyone other than 3 or 4 people. I don't mean this in an offensive way and don't get me wrong, I will still talk to people and be their friend, but I've been far too open for far too long with people, so it's time for a change.
And before I end this little blog, I'm going to leave you from the final speech from one of my favourite films, American History X.
"So I guess this is where I tell you what I learned - my conclusion, right? Well, my conclusion is: Hate is baggage. Life's too short to be pissed off all the time. It's just not worth it. Derek says it's always good to end a paper with a quote. He says someone else has already said it best. So if you can't top it, steal from them and go out strong. So I picked a guy I thought you'd like. 'We are not enemies, but friends. We must not be enemies. Though passion may have strained, it must not break our bonds of affection. The mystic chords of memory will swell when again touched, as surely they will be, by the better angels of our nature.'
Firstly, please forgive the lack of images in this blog, it took a weird look when I did, so figured it'd be easier without that weird look.
Recently I've been going through a bit of a change on several levels and one I would like to talk about is something that a few years ago would have seemed quite strange, my growing interest and love for the United States. Now, before I start going into why, I would state that I am proud to be English and will always consider England home, no matter where I end up.
I hadn't really thought of my opinions of America until this evening when I got talking to some Americans on the train home, one of whom I now have a date with on Friday. After I had gotten off of the train, I started thinking about it and I actually have a lot of love for America.
Firstly, and probably most important, arguably my closest friend lives in America. I may not talk to Megan that often but it's nice to have someone who genuinely seems to get excited whenever we talk and she actually appreciates me as a friend, there's nothing complicated about our friendship, it is what it is. We talk when we can and I actually enjoy talking to Megan.
Because I don't see her at all (we met via an internet forum) it makes every conversation feel, I don't know, special. I don't get that with anyone else, not even my other close friends Ellen and Charlie (and that's meant with no disrespect to either of them). I feel like I can just relax with Megan and I don't get that with enough friends other than the aforementioned Charlie and Ellen. These three, and another woman I'm about to talk about, are four of the few genuine people I know.
That moves me nicely onto Angelica. I mentioned Angelica in another blog recently and we have recently become friends again. Angelica isn't someone I will claim to know well, but much like Megan is someone who I enjoy talking to on the rare occasions we do talk.
Hopefully when I go over to North America soon, I can see both of them and it's bizarre that I don't find many people that interesting to talk to, but I have yet to be friends with an American that I didn't find interesting. I love talking to interesting people, or at least people that I find interesting, and I don't get that enough.
Anyway......conversations with Megan leads me onto my next point, the American accent. Now, the American accent used to drive me nuts, the way they used to say every single part of each word drove me nuts. For example, I used to live in Nottingham, and the way the vast, vast majority of English people say that (and given that it's our city, we should get the choice) is generally along the lines of "Nottinam", basically a silent g and h, but the Americans would say in "NOTT-ING-HAMMM", basically saying every single part of the word. They say words pretty much how they're spelt, which is a bit odd.
It did take quite a while for me to get used to Megan's American accent during our first telephone based conversation, but after a while I didn't notice it anymore. It's a bit like 3D at the cinema in that sense, it amazes me at first but it soon wears off. Even during the conversation with the Americans I mentioned earlier, you still notice the accent on some level, but I just stopped noticing after a while.
Then we get onto what is probably the most controversial part of this blog, the national anthems. America's is loud and proud, it takes you on a journey and tells you how proud they were to come into emergence. England's national anthem asks a theoretical diety to save a non-elected sponger. The Americans celebrate history, we celebrate an old woman who offers pretty much fuck all to any part of England except for the tourist industry. Below are the two respective national anthems.
The American national anthem is just so much better than our national anthem, it's passionate, it's a story, it's just so much better than our's on so many levels that it just becomes ridiculous. Although technically England doesn't even have a national anthem, God Save the Queen is the whole UK, not just England.
The Americans also know how to put on a show. Although I have no love for the sport, look at the massive deal they make about the Superbowl, the biggest game of their national sport. It's a spectacular even full of imagination and events that take your breath away......the English equivalent is the FA Cup final where you might get a marching band, if you're lucky, and fireworks that you could buy from poundland. It's not the same by any stretch of the imagination.
I do plan on visiting America in the near future and I think I finally have my plan sorted out for the most part. The plan is to go to New York and stay for a few days, in those few days I intend on going to see everything I want to see there...which, amongst many other things, includes.....
The Statue of Liberty
Madison Square Garden
Times' Square
My friend Angelica, whom lives just outside of New York
Then after four/five days there, it's onto Washington DC, a mere three hour coach journey....apparantly. There I intend on seeing...
The White House
The various memorials to dead presidents
The Smithsonian
And the finally after that, travel down to Nashville to see Megan (assuming she would want to).
As I say, I am proud to be British but my future is in America at some point, whether it be this year, the next, or in several years to come.
As all regular readers know, I have been on a diet recently. Having worked mainly in office and call centre environments since 2005, my weight has rocketed up in that time from what was a reasonably healthy mid-12 stone range, to what at it's peak became 18 stones 11 (263 pounds for those of you who are in countries that don't use the stones system) and it was at that point that I knew I had to do something, but I have always struggled to get started on diets.
It was January 12th this year, if memory serves me correctly anyway, when I was in a conversation with someone who said she was going to go on a diet and at that point I thought, well now I have a reason, or at least a diet buddy. This was good as it gave me that motivation as not only was someone doing it with me, but their target weight loss was roughly the same as mine (60something pounds), so I saw it almost like a bit of friendly competition, who would reach their target weight first? I very much doubt the other person saw it this way but it gave me motivation :P
Anyway, after various ups and downs, I have now gone beyond the half way mark. My target was to lose 63 pounds to bring me to an even 200, and as of last night, I now weight 16 stone 7, which in other words is 231 pounds, which means I am now over half way and that is such a good motivator it's nice to know that there's more behind than there is in front.
I might not stop at 200 pounds, I might keep going until I reach a weight where I am happy and healthy, which of course is the most important thing, but either way, losing more than half my target is an awesome moment.
My bizarre recent titles must be confusing some of you but there is a reason why I have named this blog in that sense, and you'll realise what it is as I'm going along.
Anyway, due to spending three years of being a temp, I worked some truly terrible jobs in that time, and some of the most mind-numbing roles you can possibly imagine. So I'm going to get you through a few of those.
Note that I legally can't name the companies as it will possibly result in legal action.
This guy obviously likes packing boxes....but give him
ten minutes packing boxes of crisps and that smile
will be well and truly gone
1) Crisp box packer
There's a factory in Lincoln that produces a certain brand of crisps and back in 2007, just after I had left British Telecom, I got a job working there. The job was literally grabbing the packets of crisps as they came off of the conveyor belt, placing them into a box and then putting a completed box on another conveyor belt.
That was for 8 hours a day with very small breaks and the worst part about it was that the conveyor belt was quite low down. To reach the packets I would have to bend my back slightly and after 8 hours my back was absolutely hurting like fuck, I even had to leave one shift early because my back was hurting that much.
I lasted four shifts at that place before leaving.
2) Security Guard (but as you would expect)
This is where the vegetable sat on a box comes in.
I was asked to work security at a local engineering firm for a day......but it's not as you'd expect. I was told to leave my bag in the security office and then there was a ten minute walk to where I would be doing "security" and what security actually was was sitting on a box in the middle of a road to stop people going down that road and re-directing them over a bridge.
This started at 7am but because I was asked to leave my bag in the security office, I had no music to listen to, nothing to read whilst I was redirecting the small number of cars that actually came along, nothing to eat, nothing to drink and all in 30 degrees of heat. This was also in the days when phones were not like what they're like now, it was a basic phone, no internet, no music, no games. I had to wait 6 hours for a 30 minute break and on my way back I tried to take my MP3 player with me back up to the box.....DENIED.
I was finally allowed to go home at 6pm. I swear that was one of the longest days of my life. I like having time to think but this just took the piss, it really did.
3) Mail sorter
One of my last temp jobs was working for a mail sorting company in Mansfield and much like the crisp packing job, the platform was really low, so I'm stuck with back pains for 8 hour shifts.
The job itself was literally grouping letters together by town and then after grouping them, grouping them by the beginning of their postcode, and so on. No music was allowed, the person I was stuck with didn't speak English and during the 8 hour shift, I was only allowed a 10 minute lunch break. The only time I was allowed to have more than 10 minutes was when I ended up doing a 15 hour shift....they gave one 30 minute lunch.
I was in this job for three weeks and to be fair, the money wasn't actually that bad and I was done by 2pm each day, but it was just mind numblingly dul that 8 hours seemed to last forever.
and finally.....
4) Market Researcher
She looks far too happy for someone who has
actually worked in a call centre, especially market research
The last time I was ill was just before Christmas 2008 and during that time I was given a temporary placement at a market research company that was literally two minutes walk from where I lived, which was awesome. I could go home on my lunch if I wanted and have a good time before returning.
The market research I was specifically doing was television research. The system would automatically dial a random phone number and I would have to sit there and listen to people's excuses for not wanting to do the survey. To be honest I didn't blame them, I wouldn't have wanted to fill in the survey either.
This job was so incredibly dull because the survey lasted an hour, but the amount of people who took the survey was so small that inbetween surveys, 20 minutes felt like two hours. And that's not to forget those that didn't do it did nothing other than abuse you all shift long.
It's the end of a very small era as something I love has come to an end. Some of you may think that I am refering to a friendship, and in a way I am. Several months ago I was in a conversation with one of my North American friends and they changed my life when they introduced me to RadioLab.
I have mentioned RadioLab several times in the past and my love for the shows. The semi-regular podcast was introduced to me in November by my good friend Megan, and I was hooked instantly. Although I only started listening to the new ones, I eventually backtracked all the way to the beginning and as of 3pm on March 13th 2012, I have now listened to every single RadioLab show.
Some of you may been reading this with a bizarre look on your face, but I like stuff that makes me think and challenges me to new levels of knowledge, and that's what RadioLab has done. There were some largely forgetable shows, but there were also some stories that have stuck in my head, such as the foxes from the "New Normal" show, the story of a compulsive liar in "Deception" and the basketball team that won with only two players on the court in "Sports".
Jad Abumrad and Robert Krulwich
Hosts of RadioLab
I can not recommend RadioLab highly enough. It is the BEST radio podcast going, and given some of the others around, that is saying something.
I love RadioLab to the extent that I recently applied for a job there. I didn't even get an interview, I suspect because I'm British and they are based in New York and there would have been VISA/work permit issues, but I'm not disheartened because whilst I might not get to experience their genius in person, for 15 minutes to 75 minutes every few weeks, I can sit here listening to the new shows that they bring out.
It just feels strange that I have now listened to all the shows they have released to date. And that is the end of an era.....sort of.
Please note this blog entry contains a LOT of swearing. If you take offence to swearing then you'd better leave now.
I've gotten into a really ranty mood this evening due to outside issues, so I've decided to go through some of my big pet hates in this life.
Before I start, I will define my high use of the world fuck in this blog by showing you a video that shows that fuck isn't actually a bad word.
So here we go,
1) Friends that treat you like shit. Infact, there is one person in particular who has left me livid due to her childish fucking attitude. I really want to launch into a rant at this person so they know just what a shitty friend she has been recently, but I know that would only cause more issues and I would probably lose this person as a friend, and despite their MANY flaws, I don't want to lose this person as a friend. Afterall, I do see this person on a regular basis, so it's probably best if you get on with people you see on a regular basis.
When this person wants to be, she is a good friend, but the problem being that she doesn't seem to want to be a good friend and is so self involved sometimes that every conversation we have is a negative experience.
This person is someone who I cared about (notice that I used the word "cared" rather than "care") and someone who I came close to considering family, but the way this person has acted in recent months has left a really bitter taste in my mouth. This person has had a really negative effect on me and now I'm having trouble deciding whether I love or hate her. I hate that I love her and I hate her because I love her.
I'm just sick of people like this, people who live in their own little bubble and don't care about anyone but themselves. You sit there and listen to them talking about shit that you have absolutely no interest in, but as soon as you want to change subject, they just don't want to talk anymore, and then they have the nerve to call you a bad friend. I'm sorry, but you're calling me a bad friend when all of our conversations are basically you moaning about shit that doesn't matter, well FUCK YOU.
2) Queue pushers at train stations. So yeah, we've been waiting an hour at the train station but yeah, go right a-fucking-head, get on first. You've been stood on the platform a whole twenty seconds so you obviously need a seat more desperately than those that have waited. It's amazing how the queue system is used everywhere except for trains. When it comes to trains, it's almost like "it doesn't matter when you got here, I am getting on this train before you."
3) Whenever I'm on a coach, I always turn up early to make sure that I get the seat that I want, or at least a seat that is reasonable. What completely fucks me off is when people turn up with two minutes to go when the coach is near enough full and ask people if they can go and sit next to someone else so that they can sit next to each other. I'm sorry, but why the fuck should I move away from my friends and sit next to someone I don't know just because you two didn't turn up until near enough when it's supposed to leave. If you think I'm going to do that then you obviously over-estimate my powers of giving a shit.
4) People who don't fucking indicate. I know it's not a major thing but it does drive me crazy.
5) Motorcyclists who drive like cunts and then blame cars if they get knocked off their bikes. Yes, I'm sure it was the car driver's fault that you were weaving in and out of traffic, or driving well over 100mph on a 30 mph a road, or not to forget cutting up traffic, squeezing in gaps that you can barely fit into or the many other incidents where motorcyclists drive like a kid on crack. Don't claim innocence when motorcyclists who keep to the law seem about as rare
6) You know when you're walking down a street, someone comes around the corner and walks directly against your line of walking, despite having the entire path to choose from, and then expects you to be the one to move for them? Twats.
7) People who walk down the cycle lane when the normal walking path is right next to it. Again, this is nothing major but there's a picture of a bike on the path FOR A FUCKING REASON!!!! Now, with some girls that I see walking in the bike lane, it might actually be right for them to be in there because they look like they get ridden more times than Sea Biscuit, but for the vast majority, YOU ARE NOT A FUCKING BICYCLE, GET THE FUCK OUT OF THE WAY.
8) Religious people. Now, before I start, I would say that I don't mind people being religious, it's just not for me. My gripe with religious people is that some of them, and I do stress SOME of them, throw it in your face and try and force their religion on you. Now, you may be religious, fair play to you, but being religious or not is my choice, not your's. Jesus died for my sins, did he? Well that's very prosumptuous of you to say that. How do you know that I have sinned? Surely that is a very blanket term and you can't put everyone under that umbrella. How the fuck do you know what I do in my private life? Don't stand their preaching when you know precisely fuck all about me.
And that's just one religion, don't even get me started on the others.
9) Football fans, or to be more precise, the fuckers who try to claim they're just football fans, turn up to one or two games every three/four months and only cause violence. "Fans" like this just completely fuck me off. You're well into middle-age and you want to go to <insert random team> to start a fight, how fucking childish. What are you actually going to achieve other than looking like a cunt? And then the worst thing is that you, with your one game in three months, think you know more about the team than those who go on a regular basis.
and finally.....
10) People who talk during the film in cinemas. We don't pay <insert price> to listen to you talk to your friends. When I go to watch a film, I don't want your shitty, ill-informed commentary on what is going on because your twat of a boy/girlfriend doesn't understand what's going on. Why not wait until the film is over for fuck sake. How hard can it be to sit there in silence?
As I write this I am sat in New College Nottingham and have just found out that I didn't win the creative writing competition I mentioned a long time ago. Apparantly my entry was too "dark" for their tastes, which is a bit strange as creative writing doesn't have to be all happy clappy.
So I figure I might as well share my "dark" entry with you all.
I was inspired by a song called "Sometime around Midnight" by Airborne Toxic Event. It's along a similar theme of someone seeing someone that they used to love and not coping well with it.
It started at roughly midnight.
Or at least that's when I started to lose what was left of my mind
As I got served at the bar under neon lights.
The jukebox is playing some irrelevant and predictable song
It's telling me to forget what she did but I know that it just feels so wrong.
And then I see her, the one who I once loved
A vindictive and cerebral loathing to her false smile in my general direction.
And she's wearing that dress that reminds me of her vicious rejection.
She walks up and asks "how are you".
I can smell her perfume and I get visions of the memory of her lying naked in my arms.
She says that she's sorry and wants me to forgive her tonight
My emotions are in turmoil, my love and hate in an almighty fight
I'm polite, although I give the impression I don't care
My passionless exterior is hiding my desperate inside
She says she's sorry and touches the tattoo on my arm of my name and her's
And all these memories come flooding back like violent waves to my mind.
The curves of our bodies and our love that had became perfectly entwined,
I want to forgive her but the paranoia in my head just subtlely inclines,
And I feel hopeless and homeless in my own fragile insanity.
And so hours pass whilst I try to survive
My sanity is slipping and negative thoughts can only dance and thrive
She's dancing, she's drinking, she's living life one moment at a time
And whilst stood feet away my anger and loathing do nothing but rapidly climb.
I don't even want her, at least that's what I tell myself
But not matter how she hurts me I always want to go back for more.
She's my drug, she's my love, she's the one who leaves my heart on the floor
Then she left with someone even she doesn't know.
And in her vindictive way she made sure I saw her.
She looks right at me as if to say goodbye for good.
My heart falls faster than even she could have predicted
I realise at this moment that with her I am totally addicted.
I want her to be mine again but now it is too late
I want her to know that I forgive her, to give it one more go is my only desire
But yet again I got caught in my own emotional and vengeful crossfire
So there I am, alone on the dancefloor
I am broken and down and ready for the evening to end
Heartbroken in the corner, my emotions are too painful and sore.
It's too late that I have realised what might have been again
My paranoia played tricks on me that are completely and totally inhumane
And now I know that she has once again broken me in two.
The feeling of being upset or annoyed, esp. because of inability to change or achieve something.
An event or circumstance that causes one to have such a feeling
Hello all
I've been on a diet recently and I haven't updated you all with it recently (not that many, if any, of you give a shit), so I figured I'd be nice and do it know.
Well I have now lost two stone (28 pounds for those of you who are in countries that don't work in stones) and it's slowly continuing to come off. I started off at 18 stone 11 in mid-January and it's now March 11th, and I now weigh in the mid-16 stone range. There's a reason I can't commit to a specific range and that's because technology is letting me down.
The way I've been able to lose a lot of weight is because I have been biking to work on a regular basis and eating sensibly, and whilst I am still eating sensibly, my bike is proving to be one fickle fuck of a mechancial bastard (pardon my French). Tyres deflating, nuts coming lose and various other aspects mean at the moment I am having to spent at least two days travelling via other methods to work, which means that whilst I'm losing weight on the other three days, on those two days my hard work comes undone as I work in a job where calorie burning isn't easy.
Then on Friday, after having to get a new tyre on the back wheel the day before, I was biking to work and the back wheel just wouldn't move and I looked to see what the problem was. One of the people I live with hadn't secured it back in place properly and it was grinding against the frame of the bike, meaning the wheel wouldn't go around. On lunch I correctly this, or so I thought.....it turns out I also didn't reattach it properly and when I got back on it a few hours later.....well, I'll let you look at the picture on the right.
Then on Sunday the boiler decides to break.
You may be wondering how that's relevant but every Wednesday and Sunday I have a nice, warm, 90 minute bath and after that, because my muscles are relaxed, I go for a five mile run, but it's something I can't do with just showers......but with the boiler broken, it means I can't have baths and therefore also can't run afterwards, meaning I can't lose that weight.
Don't get me wrong, I'm still delighted to have gone beyond the two stone mark and I'm still well on target to make it to my target by September (infact I'm just shy of half way there), but it's frustrating to know that my progression is being stunted. If all of the above hadn't happend then I would probably be down around the 16 stone mark at the moment instead of moving up and down in the middle of the 16 stone range.
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