Tonight marks the completion of my first week on hormones. It's been a strange first week in many ways.
Estradot
To my surprise the hormones aren't pills or injections, but rather patches, similar to a nicotine patch in many ways, and the main problem has been getting the little fuckers to stay on. The Estradot is roughly the same sort of size as two SIM cards for mobiles side by side and they are kept on for three days at a time, although to date only one has managed to last the three days.
They have to be applied to the lower abdomen and so when you bend down or anything, you're automatically worrying that they're going to come off. To be fair they do stick on reasonably well until water touches them, then problems start.
The first one lasted two days before half of it peeled off and had to be changed for another one. For the second I got medical tape and fixed it in place. Although it did the job and it lasted for the full three days, by the end I had a major rash going on, but any attempt to remove the tape would have remove the patch. The third came off after just a few hours after I woke up, and it wouldn't reapply, and so far the fourth has stayed on for the two days it's been on so far, mainly thanks to being covered in tape again....not the same tape though and this one isn't giving me a rash, which is always good.
Anyway, applying the first one was kind of strange because my abdomen became very cold all of a sudden and within minutes I was experiencing a headache. I was told to expect headaches and similar issues whilst on the hormones, but within minutes was a bit of a surprise. That headache lasted for two days and I know it was a cause of the hormones as I never usually get headaches, especially headaches that lasted for two days. Fortunately I had a week off from both jobs anyway, so it wasn't too bad.
Some other effects have already started to get affected by the hormones, but again they were expected and one is a significant lowering of my sex drive. I was never really that interested in sex anyway, and my sex drive was low to begin with, but obviously I would have thoughts occasionally and that's just human nature......since I have started on the hormones those thoughts have pretty much gone. In one week I haven't had some of the thoughts I had had before hand, which is strange in a way, but again is a sign that the hormones are starting to take effect, so it's not a bad thing.
It's going to be a long road and I am told that I shouldn't expect anything for at least three months in terms of a change of body. The first changes will be facial as some fat forms an extra layer under my skin and makes the face a bit rounder. Around the same time I will start to feel the early signs of breasts and various other aspects of changing from male to female.
I think when it's all over in a few years then I am going to look into finding something that I am passionate about. I have never quite figured out what I want out of life....other than the generalised topic of this thread, but other than that I have never found that thing that will make me wake up with a passion every day, so as soon as I am female, that's what I'm going to do.
Today I discovered a new band that I have quickly fallen in love with, Sweden's Future Idiots. It's the first time in nearly 3 years that I have fallen in love near enough instantly with a new band, and the ironic thing is that it came accidentally. I can't recall what I was watching at the time but on the right hand side of Youtube there is the usual links, and I went to click one but ended up pressing the wrong one, a link to Future Idiots' cover of Blink 182's "Even if She Falls" and I was hooked.
Within seconds I was browsing their back catalogue, mainly consisting of covers, but I fell in love near enough instantly with this band and they have not only done a brilliant job covering a lot of songs I love (including some you would never expect to be covered by a rock band), but they have turned some of them into very different songs, such as the aforementioned Blink 182's "Adam's Song"
Future Idiots
It's the first time since discovering Canterbury that I have been this into a band so soon after first hearing them, and Canterbury are now arguably my favourite band. This is different from when you hear a popular band for the first time, it's a lot different when you're probably the first person you know to hear new bands, and given that none of my Facebook friends currently like Future Idiots' page on there, I think I can safely say that they aren't well known over here. Canterbury were much the same and whilst they're starting to grow a decent sized fanbase, it took me near enough literally dragging my friends Charlie and Luke to one of their gigs to actually get any of my friends to like them.
I love discovering new music like this, it gives me motivation and I don't discover enough new bands that I think are good enough, certainly not to the level where I spend a long time listening to their back catalogue in the first day. But anyway, here are some of my favourite songs of their's that I have listened to today. Enjoy.
Whilst listening to a song I was going to post on a forum, I got thinking about some EPIC songs that I know and I wanted to share some of them with you. I'm not talking about songs that last a long time, or those that are considered major hits, but rather those that just make you feel amazing, or you imagine great moments of your life happening with these songs in the background.
I'm going to share some of these songs with you now. Enjoy.
In recent weeks I have been having several interviews for a company that I won't mention and I had gotten really excited by the opportunity, however, I was denied at the last hurdle as, after having a final interview and assessment, I was told that I had been unsuccessful. I was disappointed by the rejection, but rather surprisingly, I have taken a lot of positives out of the situation.
I am in the fortunate position of currently being in employment anyway, so I'm not in the situation that unemployed people are in and desperately needing the job, I wanted the job, which I think makes somewhat of a difference. In a way that whole process was a no lose situation for me, either I got a job that I was passionate about, or I stayed with my current employers, either way I would be employed at the end of it, so in that sense I am lucky.
It all started a few weeks ago with a small telephone based interview, an interview which I personally felt didn't go particularly well, but I was still offered an interview at the local branch of the company that I was applying for. The interview lasted an hour and fifteen but it was quite bizarre in the sense that I am sort of friends with the person who interviewed me, so it felt a bit strange being interviewed in those circumstances, but everything worked out well in that sense as I was offered a place on the assessment day. I turned up (after walking 7 miles to get there might I add.....I didn't realise how far it was from the station) and over four different parts of a final interview and assessment, I personally thought that I did very poorly and to be honest wasn't confident of my chances of getting the job.
I waited several days before receiving the phone call that confirmed that I had been unsuccessful, however, it was actually quite a good experience. The interviewer confirmed that I had met all the criteria for the type of person they were looking for, but pointed out that although I had met the criteria, they are looking for those that exceed the criteria. I was advised the this was the reason I didn't get the job but they were otherwise impressed with me and that they encourage that I reapply in a few months time as there will always be jobs for the right people. They also noted I seemed nervous, which is understandable given it was my first interview for some time, and that might have contributed.
Just like this bloke, I am now determined.....thankfully
I don't have to push a rock up a hill, but you get the idea
That last bit is why I am taking this quite well considering. Although I may have been unsuccessful, it's encouraging to know that I impressed and that they believe that with a bit more confidence and other small factors, that there would be a place for me in their company. I have also spoken to the branch manager I mentioned earlier that I didn't get the job (I had phoned for something else) and she offered to help me prepare for next time if needed, which is cool.
All of that has given me a lot of motivation and I am now more determined than ever to progress with my career. I have worked hard to get to a stage like this, including taking a LOT of qualifications, and I believe that I am on the verge of finding that satisfaction and challenge that I crave, and whether that be with my current employers, this company that I had an interview for, or others, I am now ready to make that step up....and I am hungry for it.
Firstly, onto the song of the moment. This week it's "Duality" by Slipknot. Now, I'm not much of a Slipknot fan but they're great if you're in a bad mood, and that's how I have spent most of the last week or so, so yeah, this describes quite well how I have spent most of the time since my last blog entry.
As some of you know, it has been a bit of a difficult week for me, and a select number of you know exactly why. It's nothing I can get into but let's put it this way, I did something that almost completely fucked everything up. I won't go into more details but let's put it this way, what I'm about to write wouldn't have happened if I wasn't as lucky as I was.
Either way, despite the positivity of today, I can't wait for this week to just be over.
But anyway. Back in September I took my first official steps towards becoming Kate on a physically level. I was told that although there were no obvious reasons why I couldn't start becoming physically female, I would first need to have a blood test done and have a psychiatric evaluation, well today I completed the latter part of that after having the blood test several weeks ago, so hopefully everything is now in place and works out so that I can begin the process of becoming a woman.
The blood test is a bit of a sketchy area for myself as I am looking at the numerous pieces of paper and it means precisely nothing to me. All I can see is a lot of words and numbers on a bit of paper, I have no idea what is actually means, afterall, I'm not a trained doctor. I have been told by my GP that all is fine with the results and that I haven't got any blood diseases, which is always good to hear, but whether the test results are good in away that means I can start the hormones then all is good.
With regards to the psychiatric evaluation, well, that's a bit up in the air as it's all down to interpretation. I mean I hope it went well, the psychiatrist didn't give any indication that something was amiss or that she would recommend that I don't start on the hormones, so hopefully everything will work out fine. I will officially find out on December 4th whether I can start hormones or not, but all being good, I will finally start the physical journey of becoming a woman.
It's quite strange in many ways because this is a time that I never thought would happen. I have always wanted to be female but I just thought it would be one of those things that I would never actually do. I always thought it would be one of those things that would never become more than just a dream, so I can't put into words how strange it is that it is happening. Although this might also sound weird, it's also strange when people refer to me in a female context at the moment. For example, I was in a conversation with two other people last week and when referencing me they said "but she might mean something else," and although I am delighted to be on my way to becoming female, being referred to in a female context is one of the strangest feelings at the moment, but in a good sense.
I think it's one of many things that will take a bit of time getting used to. For example, I imagine it will take a bit of getting used to having breasts (such as the weight of them, the movement, and various other parts that relate to those, or having (and having no choice about it) to sit down whenever I go to toilet, there are so many small differences that are going to take a while to get used to, but it's something that I am looking forward to in so many senses because at least having to get used to them means that I will actually be who I want to be and be living how I want to live. It's an exciting prospect that although I am nervous as hell about, I am also eagerly anticipating.
It's been a while since I wrote a blog so I figured I'd give you all an update on my life....which I'm sure you're all thrilled about :P.
Firstly, a new feature of my blog.....song of the moment.....this week it's Good Charlotte's "Counting the Days"
Before I say anything else, November 1st marked the 24th birthday of Megan, one of my good friends over the last five or so years. Megan is my favourite American (not a very wide open category it must be said) and was there throughout my struggles of the past few years and although we haven't spoken for some time, she will always have a special place in my heart.
Moving onto other subjects, a few days ago marked the six month landmark of living in Newark and it's been an interesting six months to say the least. Newark's a strange place to live, it's small and there's not really a lot to do, but it's nice in many ways. Although there are a LOT of chavs, in general I've not had too many problems with anyone, which is surprising. Infact, I've been to several different places since coming out as being transgender and the only place I have had problems in is Lincoln.
So yeah, I've been living in Newark for the past six months and the last two have been spent in a house-share with someone who I have mentioned in a previous blog. He really is a bizarre piece of work. Earlier I was in the kitchen, he walks in and the following conversation occurs......
Him : Hello
Me : Hi
Him : Could be better, have a rough day
.......at which point I just walked away.
I think he's finally starting to get the message that I don't like him, but seriously, who was he talking to? I was the only person in the room, I didn't ask him how he was an yet he told me anyway......either that or I blacked out for a second or two and asked him.....but I highly doubt that was the case. Fuck it though, I'm trying to avoid the fucker as much as I can, seems to be working. The strange thing is that me and the other two housemates get on fine, but no-one can figure this guy out, it's really bizarre. We also think he's loaded on a spring because any time he hear's you in a communal area, he's out of his room quicker than you can imagine and trying to start a conversation. Grrr.
But anyway.....the good news is that I have fully gotten over Jodi now, yey. I've been fully over her for about a month or two now and got a lot off of my chest in a recent rant on a forum that we both post on. I haven't read the subsequent replies because I know exactly what they will say. I just needed to get it off my chest because her behaviour since the end of the friendship was beyond a joke, and for someone who seems to think I am trying to lie to myself with regards to what happened, it's funny that she is the one constantly making up lies about me to other people. But you know what? Fuck her! Sick of pretending I give a shit anymore. I got it off my chest and moved on.
In other news, an exciting opportunity may be coming my way soon. I can't go into what it is yet but believe me, it's an opportunity that could easily change my life. In terms of the part time job at the pub that I can't name due to my terms and conditions, after coming close to quitting several times, I have gotten into a bit of a "meh" attitude towards it, realising that I need the money so I shouldn't really complain. I'm enjoying most of the company there, especially since my old friend Matt started there. I've known Matt since I was 11 and we can have a laugh on shift, although both of us realise that we need to get the work done first before having a laugh......I wish everyone had that attitude.
Infact, I'm going to have a bit of a moan. I hate people who don't pull their weight. At every job I've had I've worked closely with someone who hasn't been doing their job properly because they either couldn't be bothered, were too incompetent to do it properly or thought that them having a chat was more important. I'm not going to name names (mainly because me and the said people have a lot of mutual friends and it would just cause far too many problems) but it really does fuck me off. The worst part about it is that nothing is ever done about it. I work my arse off and get fuck all recognition back, and yet they do precisely fuck all and get more praise than I do. What the fuck is all that about?
However, I am going to end this blog on a positive note and talk about friends, or to be more precise, those that have stuck with me throughout the years, through the good and bad times. It's strange that these people are the ones that have known the longest about me wanting to become female and yet each friendship has grown stronger since I outed myself. I would have thought that it would have been the friends who weren't as close before that would get closer, but I was wrong.
I've also made a few new friends since I came out, some who are transgendered themselves, right to people who have never even met me but read my blog and wanted to be friends, so sent me a Facebook request or followed me on Twitter. It's quite bizarre really that I have all these people in my contacts list that want to be my friend but I have no idea who they are. One or two I have gotten to know a bit, some others I've barely said hello to.
So yeah, that's it as far as an update goes. I lead quite a boring life.
I watched a video today that got me thinking if I could survive a zombie apocalypse, or at least something that would create such a situation, and I would say that yes, I could. Before I start though, here's the video.
Now, as weird as it may sounds, I do play out this sort of scenario in my head relatively often, which is one of the stranger things I will probably ever write on this blog, but I like to be prepared....so if there is an apocalyptic event that causes zombies, or zombie-like creatures, then I am prepared.
I've been obsessed with zombies since I was about 11. My brother had introduced my to Resident Evil and I became hooked. The Resident Evil franchise, George A Romero's "Of the Dead" franchise (ignoring "Survival of the Dead" because that was shit"), too many shitty £20 to make films on the horror channel and anything else zombie related, I watched/played, I was obsessed. Obviously through all this you start to learn what could best be described as "tactics"
Now let me break this down even further. Obviously, as there have never been any zombies (not as far as I know of, I can only go with what's in the movies and on TV) but generally the acceptance seems to be that here are two types of zombies.
The first type are the zombies that move at the same speed as normal humans. These mother fuckers are a scary prospect because you can't outrun them and unless you're on constant alert, you're done for. In some movies, such as Return of the Living Dead, they can even think, plan out attacks, and do various other things that normal humans can do, which would make these types of zombies very dangerous indeed.
The other, and more commonly seen is the type in The Walking Dead, Night of the Living Dead, Resident Evil, etc, i/e the slow, groaning sort that you could probably easily get past in small numbers but become an issue if they are in a larger group (such as in Night of the Living Dead). These zombies can be seemingly easily be defeated without too much thought. This situation is the main one I'm going to talk about because if zombies do become a reality then their rotting limbs, joints and ligaments mean that normal movement is nigh on impossible.
Now, in the above video there are several things that aren't readily available to the average person in England, such as guns, however, I am fortunate in that I know exactly where there is a shop that sells guns and it's located not too far from my old house, assuming I could make it there, I would be fine. Alternatively you couldn't necessarily need a gun, just some heavy duty blunt objects, such as shovels, axes, pitchforks, etc, something that would provide enough force to penetrate a human skull.
With regards to the place where you are living, I am fortunate in that I currently live in a house with four levels (cellar, ground floor, first floor and attic) and all but one (the cellar) has a way out, so I'd be pretty sorted there. Food wouldn't be much of a problem at first as I live just around the corner from the CO-OP, and there are two big supermarkets within a ten minute walk, meaning that if I am careful then I am laughing......that is at least until either the food runs out or goes out of date.
Fortunately, Newark is quite small, so the nearest road out is only a 10 minute walk away from me, if for some reason I couldn't survive in Newark, I'd travel to Nottingham. Nottingham's a big city that I know reasonably well, I know good places to hide that are relatively safe, and there are even more food outlets in Nottingham. Getting there would be relatively simple as luckily for most of the road there you can see for miles in each direction, meaning that you could easily avoid any potential dangers.
The only problem with a place like Nottingham is that there are a fuck of a lot of people there and whilst there are plenty of places with numerous ways out, there are also a lot of places where you can easily get trapped in a corner, but fortunately knowing where the are means that I probably wouldn't get trapped there in such situations.
But the quality I have that makes me safe in a zombie apocalypse is my ability to be calculatingly cold when it comes to other people. It takes a LOT to get me to like other people, so if it got to the point where I could cause someone else to be eaten rather than myself, I'm going to take that opportunity. Fuck them.
If this sort of situation ever comes about, I am sorted. Assuming I don't get caught by whatever causes people to become zombies, I suspect I would survive for some time. Granted, there is a high chance that it won't, but if when the time comes you want to survive, come and find me
There are no point in this blog really, but that video just put me in the mood to write something like this.
For the past few months I have been very excited about a game called Resident Evil 6 being released. It finally came out on Tuesday and I must say that I am very disappointed with it and it's got me thinking about how you can go from loving something to wanting them to just end it.
My relationship with Resident Evil started back in 1997. My brother gave me a copy of a game I had seen advertised in several shops but I had never been interested in, Resident Evil. I asked what it was about and thought it sounded cool, so gave it a go, and right from the off I knew that this was special. Within an hour I had gotten further than my brother ever had.
Yes, it had several very cheesy scenes and the acting was dodgy to put it nicely, but it worked, it worked so incredibly well.
Right from the first encounter with a zombie, to the fight with a 200 foot high plant, to rapid dogs, giant robot men chasing you, to a conspiracy plot in an old mansion, there was nothing about this game that I didn't love.
To this day I have never actually completed the original Resident Evil game. It's the only game in the series that I have owned that I have yet to complete.
Skip forward about a year and I see Resident Evil 2 in a games shop. I beg my dad to buy it for me (I was only 13/14 at the time) and he does, after some pushing, and within seconds I am on the bus home and it goes straight in the Playstation. My mum is not impressed when she sees the words "This game contains scenes of explicit violence and gore" on the screen, not that I care as I'm all excited.
It took me a while to get used to Resident Evil 2. It played a lot differently and quicker than the previous installment, but the graphics were so much better. Although it looks VERY dated now, at the time I was blown away by it.
Again, the acting is a bit dodgy to say the least, but it's an improvement and I played the game so much that I was often completing the whole game in less than 1 hour and 15 minutes, without cheats. People refused to believe this until I invited them around and they watched as I sailed through the game, defeated the main boss and the end and the screen came up with a time that was under the 1 hour 15. I recently downloaded a copy of the game from the Playstation Network and although it had been at least 10 years since I had last played it, I was still completing it relatively quickly.
Again this game had some iconic moments, such as the first time Leon (who is my favourite character in the series) sees a licker, to Claire being harassed by a giant robot, to when a small character (depending on which character you were playing with) bursts in two as a bio-organic-weapon bursts from them like the Alien series.
About 2 more years pass and Resident Evil 3 emerges. By this point the series was in full flow and this was another great addition to it. I think this became the first game that I ever pre-ordered.
Resident Evil 3 is set both before and after the events of Resident Evil 2, so needed to make sure that it was careful about continuity errors, and to be fair it did a great job. It showed you more of the city that you had spent the previous game running around and it was presented beautifully, again dated by today's standards, but at the time it was beautiful.
The story of this one focuses on Jill, one of the two main characters from the first game, and her desperate attempts to escape the city whilst being pursued by the Nemesis, an 8 foot tall mutant who you couldn't simply escape from by running through a nearby door, this guy would chase you and not give up until you had successfully pumped enough ammo into it to stop it for a few moments whilst you created enough distances between yourself and it. Even after that it would be back a few scenes later, and it was awesome to have that constant threat.
The acting improves immensely for this game and out of the first three games, is probably the best all around game.
Resident Evil : Code Veronica X was the first real disappointment I had with the series. After massive improvements with the games as they went on, this game felt really cartoony compared to the rest and the selection of weapons, the enemies, the general plot and various other things just weren't that great.
The main character in this game is Claire from Resident Evil 2, but she's not a strong enough character on which to support an entire game on, and I think the fact that she hasn't been in any of the subsequent 3 main series games says it all. With a poor main character this game really needed a strong supporting cast of characters and it really failed miserably in that sense.
The gameplay was not good at all in this game and the controls were awkward. Defeating the final boss only took a single shot from the weapon that is on the platform, but it was so difficult to aim and fire whilst the enemy was still in your sights that it just became a seemingly pointless endeavour.
The fact I completed this in 2001 and haven't played it since tells it's own story.
With a poor fourth game in the main series, Resident Evil needed a BIG fifth installment and after the two failed Outbreak games just outside of the main series, Resident Evil 4 was released in 2004 and wow, it was FUCKING awesome.
I can't praise this game highly enough and would go as far as saying it was one of the best games I have ever played. It just had every right about it. Although the plot moves away from zombies a bit, you don't feel like it is a massive shift because all in all they're not too dissimilar to zombies, with the exception of biting you they will try and drive a pitch-fork into your skull.
The main character is Leon from the second game and he is perfect as a lead role character and is actually believable in the role that he plays in the game. The bosses are separated just well enough that you can have plenty of time between to replenish ammo, enjoy cut scenes, etc, infact, the first boss, as in true boss, doesn't appear in the game until after around an hour's worth of gameplay.....depending how fast you play the game of course.
Graphically it's beautiful again and a vast improvement on the cartoony effect of Code Veronica, and it's re-playability is excellent. I am damn fast at Resident Evil games, but even the quickest I've ever been able to complete it is about 3 hours 15. Puzzles are still a key part of the game but unlike previous installments you don't have to constantly run around and back and forth between rooms over and over again, you can just get on with it.
The ONLY problem with Resident Evil 4 was that it was brilliant when it worked.....but it rarely did. Because the game was pushing the PS2 to it's boundaries, often the PS2 wouldn't be having any of it and refused to even acknowledge that there was a disc there. Thankfully now the PS Network has provided a downloadable copy that isn't so much of an issue anymore, but it would have been nice at the time.
That's where I start running out of praise for the Resident Evil games.
Number 5 was released in 2009 and whilst not an awful game, dear lord it pissed me off.
The main character is Chris, one of the two main characters from the first game and a secondary playable character in Code Veronica X. Chris is a one dimensional character if ever there was one. He is basically an army guy with no personality, so it's hard to really want him to do well when he's in danger and he is just an ultimately bad character.
However, Chris is a computer game god compared to Sheva. At this stage Resident Evil decided to introduce co-op play, where you had a partner (either the computer or another person) controlling a character called Sheva, and dear fucking lord she was annoying. The AI for her was shocking, so much to the point where the majority of times when the "You're Dead" screen came up, it was because the computer has decided not to move her when there's a giant ball of lava coming towards her. Not to forget the times she would throw a grenade at you, it would explode, you'd got into a dying state, she'd come and inject you with medication and she would say "You've got to be careful!" .....I'VE GOT TO BE CAREFUL??? Fuck off. I'm not the one who's going around throwing grenades of people who are on my team.
Graphically Resident Evil 5 is actually alright and the opening chapter is actually quite reasonable, however, after that it goes downhill. You're suddenly faced with bosses but not told any back story about them, they're just there. In all other games there was like a build up so you would anticipate this impending doom, but nope, in this it was just a straight "hello there" and then a fight.
Then not to forgot the ultimately stupid bits in the game, such towards the end when Chris literally punches a boulder that's about as big as a bungalow out of the way.....you think I'm being sarcastic? Watch the second clip below.
Then we get onto Resident Evil 6, which in all the trailers looked awesome and to be fair, there are a lot of bits that I do like about Resident Evil 6, the only problem with that is that they all come in 1/3 of the game.
This game is divided into three scenarios, Leon, Chris and Jake, the latter being a newcomer to the series. Each has a different feel. Leon's is very close to the original games of the series, in other words it is very zombie based and running around trying to avoid being eating, and is by far the strongest of the three scenarios. It has a good supporting cast and is the most fun to play. Jake's is a bit hard to really judge but you don't get to learn a lot about the new character other than that he is a the son of the main bad guy from the rest of the series, and Chris' is basically just Resident Evil's attempts at Call of Duty. It belongs nowhere near a Resident Evil game.
Graphically Resident Evil 6 is a class above the other game, none of the other games in the series come close to it, and I'm taking into consideration how they looked at the time they were released compared to whatever was out at the time. You can tell that every single area has been designed for long periods of time and you know what, it has paid off. Graphically this game is stunning, absolutely stunning, especially in Leon's scenario and the sections of the three scenarios that take place in China.
Whilst boss fights were relatively few and far between before hand, this has a new boss fight seemingly around every corner, which pisses me off now end. There's no build up to the bosses, there's no general introduction for most of them, you learn virtually nothing about any of them, and yet there's a new one every five minutes. It becomes very tiresome, especially in Chris' scenario, when you're just faced with hours upon hours of shooting the same shit over and over again.
Yet again you also get a partner in your scenario but thankfully the AI has improved.....so much to the point where your partner seemingly NEVER runs out of ammo without ever picking any up. In Chris' scenario you are with by about 10 soldiers at one point, an enemy appears, they all fire at it and take it down without any input from me. I could have gone and got a drink and the enemy would still have been defeated....where's the fun in that?
I'm going to be honest, Resident Evil 6 feels very rushed and is probably the worst addition to the series if you ignore Code Veronica X, it just lacks originality, fun and that thing that makes you want to play a game over and over again. I completed all three scenarios within 48 hours of buying the game and to be honest, I'm that keen on picking it up again, whereas I still play number 4 on a regular basis.
And then came the quote that made me want to write this blog entry. Hiroyuki Kobayashi, the game's Executive Producer said "the fans and us as creators are the two parents and just like real parents, you’re not always going to agree on what is best for raising that child" going on to say "we want to make sure that what we do pleases them but the initial reaction might not always be positive. We do listen to the fans but we can’t be beholden to them at every turn or I don’t think we’ll ever make progress in terms of the series’ development." In theory, it sounds like a good plan but they're not actually listening to what the fans want at all, and it's not just a small handful of fans, it's seemingly a vast majority. Virtually everyone moaned about the co-op feature and yet they keep putting it in. The problem is that if they don't start listening to what the majority of the fans want then they risk losing a lot of the fanbase for if they bring out a new game.
As it’s been a few months since my last proper update, I
figured I’d be nice and spent part of my Thursday evening writing you a blog. “But
why aren’t you out on the town?” I hear you ask, well, let me tell you. When I
was Nathan I wasn’t very good at cleaning my teeth and because of this, about 8
of my teeth have/are mainly fillings, and about a month ago I was eating a
chewit….and it pulled one of the fillings out. When I went to the dentist to
get it fixed, he said that he would have to remove the tooth. Skip forward to
this Tuesday and the tooth was removed, but due to it being right on the vein
and next to a nerve, I’ve lost a bit of blood and have felt faint for a few
days. I did try going to work on Wednesday morning but went home without two
hours because I was that faint and it took five minutes to walk from one side
of the car park to the other (and it’s not a big car park).
So I’ve spent the last two days at home whilst my body
starts to produce blood to replace what was lost…..at the time of writing I
have started to feel a bit better and will give work another go tomorrow. It
sucks because I hate phoning in sick to work and people at Vodafone have seen
me in very bad states but still going into work. In three years of working for
them I’ve only been off sick twice before, one was when I did my ankle ligament
and didn’t have any crutches, and the other one was when I caught something
really bad that was going around that I threw up twice within the first hour of
being at work.
But anyway, so it has meant that I have spent the last two
days inside my house. For those who don’t know, I have moved out of the flat in
Newark and into a house-share situation. It’s not only cheaper in terms of rent
per month, but all bills are inclusive. It’s quite a good deal. There are only
two downsides, one being that there’s no aerial for the TV in my room, meaning
I rarely actually watch TV anymore….I don’t even miss TV that much……and the
other is one of the people I live with.
I live with three guys, Andrew, Jim and Dan, I get on quite
well with Andrew and Jim, not got a problem with either of them at all and I
like both of them….it’s Dan that’s the problem. You can always tell a lot about
a person when they move into a house-share…..and the thing I can tell about Dan
is that he hasn’t lived away from his parents before. He treats the place like
he is expecting someone to clean up after him.
He leaves his washing up to do for days/weeks on end and
then seems surprised every time he goes into the kitchen and it’s still there.
That’s not my only problem with his food habits. A few weeks ago I was sat
writing something on the laptop, he cooks some pasta and sits down on the seat
opposite me and starts eating…..with his fucking mouth open. All I hear for
five minutes is “slop, squish, splosh, smush, smulch”…..it was not pleasant at
all. Seriously dude, did your parents feed you from a trough???
That last look is the only I often give
to Dan when he's trying to talk and I'm trying
to hint that I really don't give a shit.
Dan seems to think he
owns the TV downstairs and there have been several occasions when other
housemates have been watching TV, he has walked in, picked up the remote and
changed the channel, without even asking if he could change the channel. He’s
done it to me once (I waited until he sat down and went and picked the remote
up, changed it back and held it in my hand) and to Andrew on another occasion,
and then on the occasions when you’re watching something and he’s not got
anything to watch, he will come and talk to you, even though you’re politely
trying to tell him to fuck off without actually saying it, he doesn’t take the
hint……..but fuck does he get mardy if you talk when he’s watching something.
Then there’s stuff that doesn’t necessarily impact me but
still creeps me out a little bit, such as the fact he’s lived here for about
five weeks now and he has only cleaned his clothes once in those five weeks.
Now, either that fucker has a LOT of clothes (which I doubt given that he only
ever seems to wear one thing) or he’s not very hygienic…….I think I can guess
at which one.
I mean house-shares are about compromise. Me, Andy and Jim
get on quite well because we compromise, Dan just does whatever he wants and
again, has quite clearly never lived away from his parents. The strange thing
is that I don’t think he actually understands that none of the rest of us actually
like him. He just has no social skills whatsoever.
But anyway, onto happier subjects. I finally started the
process of becoming Kate just over two weeks ago. Yey! I’m finally on my way to
becoming female. It was such a great relief to get it all started and although
it’s a slow starting process (have to have blood tests and a psychiatric
evaluation before any hormones are prescribed), it’s nice to get it started.
It seems strange in many ways to have finally started. After
nearly 30 years of telling people that it would be happening, it finally is and
all of those nights when I was a teenager, or in my early twenties, now just
feel like a distant nightmare ago. Granted, my body is still 100% male at the
moment, but it’s nice to know that the changes aren’t too far away now. I mean
I know I’m not going to all of a sudden look like a girl overnight, but it’s a
start.
Infact, that’s about it really. I don’t have a particularly
exciting life these days, or maybe I’ll write one when I’m back to full health,
who knows?
I am currently sat waiting for the train back from London after starting the process of becoming Kate properly and I just wanted to take a moment to thank all of those who have a special impact on helping me get to this day.
Please note that this list is in no particular order and if you are not mentioned, it does not mean that I still don't appreciate your help.
Charlie Herlingshaw
Charlie Herlingshaw and Ellen Lancaster : Arguably my two closest friends. I've known you both for seven years now and both of you have known pretty much from day one about my desire to become female. You both sat there and listened to me moaning about various aspects of this whole process and helped me through various issues with some of the other members of this list. I have had so many "firsts" thanks to you two, and I can't thank you both enough.
Megan Curtin : Megan is a strange one because although I consider her a close friend, we haven't really spoken since November, which is ten months ago now, which is a scary thought. Megan has always been supportive of my decision but although our conversations are virtually always about something else, I couldn't omit her from this blog due to her being that important to me.
M : Despite your numerous flaws, you were an awesome friend, you made me laugh, cry and experience virtually every other conceivable emotion. You bought out the best aspects of my personality and you helped me become more confident in various parts of my life and despite my paranoid thoughts, you stuck with me until the end. Thank you, Marinda, and wherever you are, whatever you're doing, just know that I will always love you.
David Kirkbright : Me and Dave have known each other for about ten years and we used to argue a LOT (always about stupid things), but apparently he knew about me wanting to become female for a LONG time without mentioning it. He has helped me still find it relatively easy to remain in the group of fans I go to Lincoln games with and funnily enough, since I effectively outed myself to everyone, we haven't had a single argument. It feels strange thanking Dave on a blog entry given that I still see him on a regular basis.
David Kirkbright (left) and his lookalike, Gene Wilder
Amy Corcoran : I work with Amy and if there's one person who must be commended for their patience with me, it's Amy. For 18 months Amy sat directly opposite me so was right there when I was having long rants about various things, but she also helped me a lot when it came to advice and tips with regards to becoming a woman. We have also had our arguments on occasions, sometimes very heated, but despite that, and despite me treating her like shit for most of the time we've known each other (unintentionally I might add), she stayed true and was always there with help and advice.
Layla Haynes : My boss at Vodafone. Layla has been a massive help in me becoming a nicer person to be around when she effectively taught me that there's no point in getting angry over stuff that I can't control. I first told Layla about Kate in March/Aprilish and she helped me prepare for "coming out" to everyone at work, and I can't thank her enough for that.
Hayley Burton : Another colleague at Vodafone and someone who I have never really been close to, or indeed known a lot about, but when I "came out" to everyone she was there with tips, useful contacts, and various other things that turned out to be a massive help as I've tried settling into life as a woman.....even though I am still a guy.
Jade, Jodie and the girls at Celestial Touch : I don't know any their last names and they sort of link together. Jodie (hair), Jade (make up) and the girls at Celestial Touch (beauticians) have helped me look less ridiculous by sorting out those various aspects of my appearance, and because of them I now look completely different to what I did a few months ago. I look back on myself when I had a full goatee and dressed like I was in a heavy metal band, and it looks really strange now. With their help I now look less manly (although still manly for obvious reasons).
"Lynn" Jones - http://www.yatgb.blogspot.co.uk/: "Lynn" runs a groups in Nottingham of people from the trans community, it's not quite a support group but more like a social gathering to people of the same mindset. Although I won't claim to know Lynn well, we have had several interesting conversations and when I do go to the group, she is always the person who I look forward to talking to the most.
Debbie Pulford : I've known Debbie since I was about 11 and in that time we've never been close, but we have always got on quite well. She has known for several years about the Kate aspect of my personality and after I "came out" to everyone in July, she was one of the first to offer to go on a shopping trip with me. That was quite an unusual trip as we got lost on the way to Meadowhall and despite my intention buying what was effectively an entirely new wardrobe....I bought four things and she bought more than I did. It was quite a funny day.
Jenna Adams : Jenna is my longest serving friend as we have known each other since we were about four years old, give or take. Again, Jenna has never really been one of my closest friends but we have always got on quite well and although I don't see her often, when I did she her for the first time in several years a few months ago, she was brilliant with everything and our meeting, which was originally just for a coffee, turned into a shopping trip.
Sarah Baradell - My delightful half-sister. Sarah has known about this part of me for around 7 years and has been awesome with it ever since. She came with me to my first meeting of the group mentioned in the "Lynn" section and although I could tell when she first saw me as Kate that she was thinking "what the actual fuck do you look like?"....but she was otherwise awesome. Funnily enough several people there thought that she was my girlfriend....even though we look reasonably similar.
And that's it really. Again, sorry if I missed anyone, it was completely unintentional.
I turned 28 today but I wasn't that concerned about getting older, my main concern of the day was that it was the day when I had an appointment booked in to start the process of changing sex. I had waited for this day for 28 years, and the nerves were killing me.
My day started with the alarm going off at 6am, by 7:30 I was out of my house and heading to Fernwood to have make up professionally done....I'm crap at make-up.....and after about 30 minutes, my face looks much shinier than usual and to be fair, I did look very feminine with what the artist had done, it looked a bit odd but I suppose that's what happens when you're not used to looking like that.
A few hours later and I'm in Kings Cross, I've not even reached the ticket barrier and London is already pissing me off. I don't like London at all, if the term "rat-race" could be applied to anywhere in the world, it would be London. Everyone is trying to screw each other over to gain a slight advantage. Before I had even reached the ticket barrier four people had been pushed down by one bloke who was in a hurry, he didn't even turn around to apologise to any of them. This continued throughout the day.
Not to forget the complete chaos that is the entrance to the London underground, people walking in several different directions at the same time and colliding into each other, giving each other the look of death as they expect the other to apologise, and in the end no-one does.
I made my way to the appointment, arriving at the place at around 1:30 (even though my appointment wasn't until 3, I just wanted to get there early to help calm my nerves). After about 20 minutes, the receptionist comes back from what I assume was his lunch and looked on his computer.....he told me that my appointment had been 11:30. I showed him the details that he had sent me in an email and he realised he had fucked up but didn't really do anything about it, saying that as the doctor was fully booked up, I would have to come back another day. So despite the fact they fucked up, I now had to go back at a different time, in other words taking more time off of work, spending more money to get down and across London, and various other things, I was not happy, but more importantly I just fell flat, I was deflated after weeks of mentally preparing myself for this day.
Fortunately I was due to meet my friend Catherine anyway for a drink, so she helped get me back in a goodish mood, although she noticed that I was a bit downtrodden. She has since gone to do her dissertation (something which she was not very keen on) and I am sat in a cafe with my train not due to leave for another 5 and a half hours.....if it wasn't for the residents of London I would go and have a look around, it's just a pity that most of them would rather step on me than let me experience their city in a positive light.
Oh well, I'm not booked in for the appointment on September 24th at 4pm, and they've given me an appointment card this time and I watched him put the appointment in. I know it's only a delay of 12 days and after waiting 28 years, it could be far worse, but it just left me feeling really flat about the entire thing.
I think I'm quite fortunate in the fact that at the age of 27, I have not really been around death. Other than my nan in 2003, I have never known anyone that has died (other than a lad called Darren who I spoke about in a previous blog).....that was until last night when I was told that an old friend had died.
The party where I met Becky, she's the girl in the middleish doing a very unusual pose.
Back in 2006 I was quite a party animal, most of which were hosted by arguably my closest friend, Charlie. One night that year I met a girl called Becky and we eventually became good friends on Myspace (remember that?) and Facebook, before drifting apart.
A few years have gone by since the last conversation me and Becky shared and when Charlie randomly bought her up in a conversation that was about something else entirely, it was a bit strange. She told me that Becky had been in an accident where she fell out of a tree that she was climbing when with some friends and as sad as I was to hear that news, at least she died doing something she loved, which is something that not a lot of people get to do.
The way her friends are celebrating her life is, at 10pm on Friday, everyone will release a balloon or lantern and film/photograph it to manage a proper memorial somewhere. I am working at 10 but will be releasing mine as soon as I finish. I won't claim to have known her well anymore, but she always struck me as a lovely girl.
A few times during this blog I have mentioned that I used to be a member of an internet forum known as Rant Rave. My former friend Jodi (oh yes, her again) introduced it to me one night and between 2004 and 2006 it turned me from a nice, calm person into someone who was not shy to share their opinions, both on the internet and in person, infact it changed who I was on so many levels that it seems weird looking back on it now.
When the forum shut down it felt like I had lost something, as time went on the various replacements sprung up featuring the same old members, Angelica, Gabs, Jen, DeBauch, et al, but it didn't quite feel the same. Rant Rave was special, it wasn't just an internet forum, it was the online equivalent to home.
Then, this evening, I got a message from one of the former members telling me that RantRave is back, albeit it in a slightly different guise. I was only 20 when I first got into RantRave so I am a lot more mature than I was back then, and now probably best fit into the category of "passive aggressive", but I am looking forward to getting back into the swing of this.
I met one of my closest friends, Megan, on RantRave, as well as making some other good friends, so if it changes my life as much as it did the time before, then I welcome it back into my life with open arms.
Whilst I am talking about RantRave and how happy I am that it is returning, I would just like to take a moment to again talk about Teresa, a former member of the original RantRave who tragically died earlier this year. I won't claim to have known her well but we always seemed to get on quite well when we were talking, so I can only hope that if there is an afterlife, you are enjoying it IdolGirl :)
As many of you know, I am quite particular when it comes to things being correct. I ran a website for about 9 years based on Lincoln City and although I got the occasional thing wrong, such as once saying a player had had a very quiet game even though he hadn't actually played (whoopsie), I generally checked information that I was talking about.
Then on Saturday I went and bought a book, the biography of Lincoln's ex-manager Keith Alexander. I don't buy many books, and even rarer reading any book I do buy. In recent times I have bought a few books which haven't been touched to this day, I just rarely have the time to be honest, or quickly lose interest. The last novel I read fully was "Fight Club" by Chuck Palahniuk, the book that the film is based on, and that was in 2005 whilst working in a call centre and waiting for calls, the only book I've read since is the autobiography of Chris Moyles.
Anyway, I read through the book within 48 hours of buying it, including a massive session whilst waiting for a train on Monday for three hours and whilst I loved the book, the fact that there are numerous errors gets to me.
There's small ones such as saying Mark Bailey scored from 60 yards against Carlisle in a 4-1 victory, even though the goal came in a 2-0 win the season after the game that was being talked about, and then there's big ones.
On the right is a picture of Keith Alexander (right), Gary Simpson (middle) and Keith Oakes (left) and yet the caption is "Keith and the two Garys take in the Millennium Stadium." It's stuff like this that does get to me because it shows that someone hasn't gone through and checked for mistakes like this.
There are other mistakes as well, such as Gareth McAuley's name being mentioned twice in a very short space of time (in about one or two lines) but not being spelt the same (one is the correct McAuley and the other is McCauley), refering to Bournemouth as the "Poppies" (Poppies is the nickname of Kettering Town, Bournemouth's nickname is the Cherries) and not to forget saying that a friendly against Manchester City took place in November when it actually happened in July.
It's such a shame in that what is otherwise an excellent book, the lack of checking basic stuff such as this distracted me. But it's not all bad and other than the lack of checking the basic stuff, there was nothing I disliked about the book. There were many bits during the book where I laughed as it is quite a well told story, and brings back many of my own personal memories of meeting Keith Alexander. Keith was one of the nicest blokes I have ever met and that is reflected in the book numerous times and I would recommend the book to anyone.
For the second time the Bantre (no, not banter) Bus was out in force as the Imps made the trip to Cambridge United. It was also the first time that I had done a video since last December after falling out of love with football, but I decided to come back and have started with a 42 minute video.....
For me it was also the first time I have been to an awesome game as Kate and it went reasonably well. I'm gaining confidence all the time but am still terrified every time I leave my flat, so to go to an away game and nothing happen was awesome.
Hello all In 1997 there was an article produced in the Chicago Tribune called ""Advice, like youth, probably just wasted on the young" and that was eventually turned into a song by Baz Luhrmann. It is basically a piece about advice on things you should do. I has turned into something of an inspiration for myself as it holds a lot of things that I think are very true.
So, I have decided to share with you three things that I live by these days and hopefully some of them can inspire you like that song inspires me. Don't dream dreams, live them
As most of you probably know, I am currently planning to undergo a sex change. After spending nearly 28 years of my life as Nathan, the last five/six weeks of living as Kate have been fantastic. My only regret with spending the last five/six weeks as Kate is that I didn't do it sooner. I spent my entire live dreaming of the life that I am on the verge of and I hate that I didn't take this opportunity sooner. If you have a dream, or an ambition, do everything you can to realise that dream/ambition. The only person stopping you is yourself. If you want it badly enough then you'll find a way to do it. Obviously be realistic with your targets though, as disappointment will only follow if you set your targets unrealistically. Do everything you can to live your life the way you want to live it. We only get one chance to live how we want to live, do you really want to look back at pictures of yourself now when you're in your 70s and realise that now was the best chance to do what you wanted to do. Don't live a life of regret, do what you want and more importantly how you want to. If it is important to you then don't look for excuses not to do it, look for the inspiration to finally do it. Obviously I realise that the amount of people who are reading this blog who are/will be changing their gender is quite slim, but the general message remains the same. Whether it's something like changing your gender, or something small like buying a dress that you've wanted to buy for a long time, go for it. If it's what you want then go for it. Don't let others tell you that you can't do it or that you shouldn't, do it. Do it for you and not for others. Go for it. What's the worst that could happen?
Review, don't regret I look back on situations I've had during my life that would have seen me live a completely different life and it's strange in the sense that even the smallest decisions can change everything? It's natural to look back on moments during your life and try and figure out how much of a different they would have made. My one big "what if" moment came back in 1999 when I had fallen in love with a girl called Becky Lavelle. Me and her had become good friends as we lived near each other and often walked back together off of the bus from school. One night we were both at a party and a romantic song came on and she wanted to dance with me. She offered her hand and I turned her down. What If? Do I regret rejecting her request? On some levels, yes. Who knows where it would have lead, but I wouldn't be the person I am today if I had accepted her hand. I believe that the person you are is better than the person you could have been in a "what if" situation as you never know how you would have changed. Yes, the immediate situation could have easily been better, but long term would it be better? You never know. Don't regret not taking a chance that's presented to you, you may regret it short term but on the long term you could realise that it's a good thing. You are who you are because of the opportunities you took and didn't take, don't regret your decision either way, review it and see how it's influence your life, and it will better prepare you for later life. Tolerate the intolerant Despite it being covered quite extensively in the media these days, there is obviously still a lot of people who severely disagree with anything from the gay, lesbian, bisexual and transgender community, and no matter what I do, I know it will never be universally accepted. It comes down to a famous quote - "You can please some of the people all of the time and all of the people some of the time, but you can't please all of the people all of the time," or in short, you're never going to please everyone so don't worry about those that you can't please because they're not worth your time. I don't get angry at those who give me abuse for wanting to be female (thankfully there aren't too many of those these days), I pity them for not being tolerant of others in their lives. If they are going to live their lives being intolerant of anything that is different to how they live their life then there's only one person who's going to suffer and it's not the person they're abusing. Don't give in to hating, let the disappointments drive you Sure, get angry every now and then. There's nothing wrong with losing your temper every now and then, it's a perfectly human emotion. Point out to me a person who has never gotten angry and I guarante you at some point they have lost their temper, it's virtually impossible not to. I used to get angry on a regular basis but then I was taught that there's no point in getting angry over things that I can't control, from that point onwards I have become quite mellow with most situations.
Throughout my life I have had a lot of situations where I have hated people for how they negatively impacted my life. Infact, on a lot of occasions in the past I cut people out of my life completely because of how angry I used to get with them and I hated some people to such an extent that my hatred became unhealthy. I didn't deal with disappointment well but now that I have learnt not to give into hating, I see where these people have made a positive impact on me. I look back on my friendship with Maz and I hated her for turning me into a really paranoid guy, however, now I appreciate that she, in a strange way, has helped me in the sense that I am no longer as gullible as I used to be. I used to believe anything that people told me, but Maz made me naturally suspicious of virtually anyone, and whilst this isn't ideal, it has helped as I question a lot of things now that I wouldn't have otherwise done. When mine and Jodi's friendship ended in March I hated her for a few weeks, but looking back the situation with her has taught me that I can't get too dependant on people, especially when it gets to the point when even just a few days of not speaking to someone who I considered a close friend felt like torture. Infact, it was the end of my friendship with Jodi and the subsequent weeks of me questioning a few things mentally that convinced me it was time to become female.....almost ironic given that one of the last things she ever said to me was that she hated me talking about wanting to be female. I could have hated both of those girls, and many others, for how things ended and what happened, but what happened can not be changed, so what is the point in getting angry at the situation? I only wish I had realised that at the time because it would have save a lot of trouble. For what it's worth, if either Maz or Jodi read this blog, I only wish you both the best in whatever you choose to do with your lives, and as my first point in this blog goes, don't dream your dreams, live them. Don't regret anything. Anyway, there is no point in hating people, instead of hate just take your time and look at the situation, assess it and see what the situation teaches you, and run with it. Obviously there will be people who you think will teach you nothing, but just look at every person you know, either as a friend or not, and everyone will teach you something. I know a lot of people hate me and I can't say I blame them for what I did to them, however, I hope that one day they can take lessons out of what happened like I have been doing with situations that I have come across.
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