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Firstly, a song.....
It's been more than two months since my last blog entry and that wasn't particularly relevant to anything, so I just wanted to take some time and talk about how my life has changed in the last two months.
I mentioned in my last blog entry (well, the last one about me anyway) that I had been offered a new job, a job which I have now started. I handed my notice at Vodafone pretty much straight after being offered the new job and it was a bizarre four weeks. It's amazing how little you give a shit when you know you're leaving. Before that I was a hard worker and hated not having something to work on, however, immediately afterwards I was happy just to sit there with nothing to do most of the day.
Don't get me wrong, I still got on with work, but I no longer actively sought things to do in between, and people weren't in a hurry to give me more stuff. They knew I couldn't give a crap. Anyway, four weeks pass and it gets down to the final day of me working for Vodafone and I say goodbye to everyone that I want to say goodbye to. There are numerous people who work there that I will quite gladly never see or speak to again, but there are several people who I consider good friends that I know I won't ever see again in all likelihood.
I got on really well with the members of the Tech Admin team and had a laugh with them every day (SHAMONE, HE HE), and I will miss people like Vic, Jamie and a few others. It was strange in a way that I had wanted to leave for so long and then it was all of a sudden right there, and I think at that point I realised that I would miss it in a way, but oh well, it's in the past now.
So I moved up to work for BT and I now live in Blackburn. I've been in the job for two weeks now and I think I'm doing ok, but I am always my own biggest critic, so yeah. The training doesn't end for another three weeks, so I probably know until then whether I am good at it or not, but it's something different and that's always a good thing.
The only thing I really miss is my friends. I haven't made a single friend since I moved up to the area, although I do get on well with some of the people that I work with, however, it takes a lot before I start considering my colleagues as friends. I know I am back in Lincoln on a semi regular basis anyway, so hopefully I will see some of them at some point, but yeah, I just miss them, and it's a shame because my friends have gotten me through some pretty hard times over the years, and people such as Jenna, Debra, Charlie, Ellen and so many others really helped me when I came out as transgendered last year.
That leads me nicely only my transition. Things are starting to process as my oestrogen levels went from 161 to 836 in the space of just over 2 months, which is an insane increase, especially when you consider that my testosterone levels are now 3.2, which is the same as the average female apparently. I know I still look and sound like a guy, but I am trying hard to become more feminine in various aspects of my life, but it's not an easy thing.
Emotionally the hormones have definitely taken a grip and I am now more prone to showing my emotions. I have twice started crying in recent months for situations where I wouldn't have cried before the hormones, such as seeing a friend leave (even though I know I will (hopefully) see them again in the future.
My voice is particularly getting me down at the moment, I have been to five therapy sessions and my voice still sounds exactly like it did before I started, and as my gender consultant says "You can dress as femininely as you want, or wear as much make up as you want, but until you sound female, you will always have a dead give away that you are naturally male."
Don't get me wrong, I know that I still don't put in a lot of effort in terms of my appearance, but I still have a lot of body issues and until the effects of the oestrogen are more obvious, I will continue to dress in a covered up nature. Breasts are developing slowly and I think that once they are a half decent size, I will feel more confident with regards to wearing more feminine clothes. Just so you know, all of the clothes I do wear did come from womens sections of stores, but I choose to only wear the more truly feminine clothes (such as dresses) when I am in a situation where I feel comfortable with it, such as seeing my doctors.
Don't get me wrong, I don't give a fuck if you like that I am transsexual or not. What is between my legs is my choice and I have had too many people dragging me down over the years. I am finally doing something that I have spent my entire life doing, so sorry that it's not what you would want, or what you find normal, because at the end of the day, this is my life. I lost my fear of people's reactions long ago, and only during my first few days of living as Kate was I afraid, but I believe I have shown more courage trying to achieve a life's goal than the average person will ever achieve. So if you want to join me on my journey and what happens after I have reached it's end, then great, if not then get off now, but don't expect me to bend to what you want me to do, because it isn't happening.
So I will leave it there, but yeah, I just wanted to write a blog entry and even though I know not a lot of people read this, it certainly makes me feel a lot better about a lot of things due to being able to write it down and not keep it in. I kept a lot of things in for far too long, so even if no-one reads it, it is nice to be able to at least put it somewhere.
Anyway, until next time,
Peace out.
