In March I decided that it was time to finally go ahead with becoming the person who I always wanted to be, I decided to become a woman. On July 2nd that journey took a major step as I started living as a woman full time and came out to everyone.
We're now coming to the end of the first month of being Kate and it's been interesting to say the least.
Whilst I am loving the opportunity to finally be who I want to be, the one thing that I have noticed is that everyone has an opinion, not about the actual desire to be female, but how I should dress, make up, etc, and I'll be honest, it has frustrated me. Don't get me wrong, I do appreciate everyone's help, but the problem with everyone giving advice is that with opinions being different I am getting confused with what I am supposed to do or who's advice to take.
I openly admit to needing as much help as I can get and I love that lots of people want to help, but again it's just confusing that everyone is telling me considerably different things. With my clothes I am starting to get happy with what I am wearing and I think that combined with my current hair style, I'm not doing a bad job in terms of the look, it's just the make up that I'm really struggling with. Those who were with me at school know that I've never been overly good at doing things with my hands, my creations in Graphic Technology and wood-work were....interesting to say the least.
I think, much like driving, stuff like make up is going to be one of those where I have to find my own way of doing it, but again, I appreciate the advice. I have applied to do a make up course at Lincoln College, that'll look interesting on the CV when put next to the qualifications I already have.
There have been a lot of other interesting experiences and learning curves along the way as well. It's not until you do something like this that you truly appreciate just how many differences there are between the genders. There's the obvious ones such as the actual body, but it's mannerisms, the way things are said, the way you bend to pick something up, the way you walk, talk and so many other things that I can't even begin to mention. It is quite possibly the biggest learning curve out there as nothing I've ever encountered is similar in terms of how much there is. It's good though as I'm learning new things each and every day, although it would be nice to have just one day where I didn't have to leave my flat.
Why yes, I have dyed my hair.
At the time of writing I've still only had trouble from two people really, but neither lasted more than a few seconds, and it's quite strange. I expected the public to be better than you'd think they would be due to transgender issues being considerably well covered these days, especially compared to the past, but to have only been abused twice has surprised me. Obviously I would have preferred to have had no abuse, but I'm delighted with just two in a month compared to what I thought it might be.
I've also dumped the wig. During last week's very hot weather my head got ridiculously hot.....so I got rid of it and I've also now coloured my hair, and my own hair rather than a wig certainly helps the image.
And finally, one thing I love is that it's given me the chance to get to know some people a lot better, as well as seeing some old friends. My oldest friend is a girl called Jenna, and we've known each other since we were 4 but we hadn't seen each other since 2001, but I got the chance to meet her and her lovely daughter, Niamh, recently, and it was good for a catch up. There are also a few who I've worked with for some time that I have never really shared a conversation with, but now I'm having in depth chats with them, so that's nice.
But anyway, I'll leave it there and hope you're all having a good time.
It was 2am and I was waiting for my train back to Newark from Nottingham, so I figured I'd be nice and give you that update on my life that you're all desperate for.....that despite the various interuptions from the security staff.
This is blog entry 100 and I've been looking at the previous 99 and it's amazing how you change over time. This blog contains a lot of links to previous blog entries as well.
If you go all the day back to December and the first blog entry (So Another Year Gone) it seems really strange that I talk about various things that seem bizarre now. I talk about how good my friendships with Jodi and Megan were, one of whom I am no longer friends with and the other I only speak to for about five minutes every few months, whereas I mention having a big argument with another girl in September, who I am now good friends with again.
In that blog was also a common theme that developed early on and that was contemplating my future in England, and in several blogs I talk about plans to move to America or Canada in full on details. It was this that also made me question my love of football for quite some time, it felt futile and I wasn't getting on with most Lincoln fans at the time (More to Life Than Football). I even closed my website after nearly nine years (Five Days On and Why I Gave Up 8 and a half years of Hard Work).
It was also around this time that I started my diet (Day 1 Of the Diet). I was on a my good friend Charlie and she took several pictures, and in every one I had an horrendous double chin and at this point in my life I weighed around 18 stone 11. Due to these pictures and motivation from the aforementioned Jodi, I got a genuine start to the diet and I lost a LOT of weight. Infact, at the time of writing, I weigh about 16 stone 2, and whilst I am not going to reach my target of 14 stone 3, I am delighted to have lost nearly 3 stone this year. I feel a lot better for it.
Despite things going well and work and in some aspects, I am struggling at this time with many aspects and start relying on friends too much. (I Get By With a Little Help From My Friends). Looking back at it five months on, I was ridiculously selfish at the time and was only concerned about my own problems. For example, I consider Charlie to be one of my best friends, but at the time I was only talking about one specific subject with her, and it wasn't only her. This resulted in my friendship with Jodi falling apart and although at first it was a relief, I did struggle for some time to come to terms with it (One of the Strangest Feelings I've Ever Had) and I often flip-flop between my emotions over it (Non, je ne regrette rien, Being Blinded By Pure Emotion and Desire and Maybe It's Time to hit "Restore to Factory Settings") and it's only with the help of friends, both good friends and from unexpected sources, that I was eventually able to recover.
It was at this time that I decided to become female after years of wanting to do it. I write a few blogs hinting at this, ranging from the subtle ones where I just talk about transsexuality in general (Transsexuality, Difference and a Beautiful Canadian), to those where I talk about my emotions about the situation without mentioning it (This Shit Just Got Real). A lot of kind words have been used to describe me since I revealed my desire to become female to you all (10,156 Days of Frustration) and every day of living as Kate still feels very strange, and 15 days on I have still only gotten one bit of abuse from someone, and that was someone who was driving by.
And finally a few months ago I moved to Newark to be closer to work (Goodbye Lincoln) and it's been an interesting experience (In Newark).
So a lot has changed in seven months. I have debated whether to move to another country, lost someone who, at the time, I thought I wouldn't be able to live without and started doing something I have always wanted to do and various other little things. It also shows me how funny life can be sometimes as in one blog (The Bantre Bus) I say the I have known a girl called Michelle for a year but never spoken to her, but three months after writing that blog, we have become friends and although some of our plans have gone a bit awry, she is a delightful young lady.
Hopefully the next 100 blog entries will have as much in them as the last 99 have.
In most last blog I talked about the origins of my love of rock music and how I had gone to watch Blink 182 in concert, two days after that I went to see my friend Jenna (and her 11 month year old daughter, Niamh), who I hadn't seen since 2001. Out of all my friends, I have known Jenna the longest after we met when we were four years old and we have always got on. Even though we were in considerably different groups at various schools, we have never had a falling out and maybe that's because I don't see her that often.
It got me thinking about the old days and how awesome things used to be back in the day. I personally think that the early part of the 1980s was the best time to be born in the modern generations. At age 27 I have already lived in two millenniums and four different decades, I grew up as computer systems evolved. I grew up with the Atari, Amiga, Megadrive and all the other little systems that the youngsters of today know precisely nothing about. I feel sorry for modern kids as they don't know of games from when there was more than it simply looking stunning, it was about the storyline, characters, value, and so much more, whereas now it's all about looks.
Then there's not to forget as times moved on and things started to look a lot better, it seems almost strange looking at them now because they have dated really badly, but at the time they were state of the art and looked amazing, which again I think is one of the reasons I pity the youngsters of today, they will generally look at the games that were around then and automatically write them off because they look terrible.
Here is a selection of some of my favourite computer games during my youth
COWBOY/OUTLAW
QUITE POSSIBLY THE FIRST GAME I EVER PLAYED
RELEASED IN THE MID 1980S
RAINBOW ISLANDS
I USED TO BE BLOODY AWESOME AT THIS GAME
RELEASED IN THE 1980S
THE CURSE OF MONKEY ISLAND
MY DAD BOUGHT ME A BRAND NEW COMPUTER SPECIFICALLY TO PLAY THIS GAME AS THE OLD ONE WAS ONLY CAPABLE OF HOLDING 12MB WORTH OF INFORMATION
RELEASED IN 1997
RESIDENT EVIL
MY BROTHER GAVE ME THIS AND WITHIN TWO HOURS I GOT FURTHER THAN HE EVER HAD. IT'S THE ONLY RESIDENT EVIL GAME THAT I HAVE NEVER COMPLETED.
RELEASED IN 1996
POPULOUS THE BEGINNING
ONE OF THE FEW GAMES I CAN PLAY OVER AND OVER AND OVER AGAIN
RELEASED IN THE LATE 1990S
Music was also a lot better back then. Now you know that there is a heavy chance that the voice on the radio has been touched up by a computer so much that it probably sounds nothing like that originally came out of the mouth. 20 years ago you knew that it was the case that the person could genuinely sing and there were some very unique voices back then, Limahl, Pet Shop Boys, Phil Oakley and many others. It's just a shame now that so many artists can't actually sing, and whilst I hate the X-Factor, I do respect that they can seemingly sing live.
It's the same with children's TV shows. I look at the TV shows when I grew up and still watch one or two of them today, not on a regular basis though. Doing cartoons these days is easy because you know they've done most of it on a computer, but back in the late 80s/early 90s, they didn't have that. You knew that what you were watching took a hell of a lot of time and effort to do.
Some of the shows were epic as well, or at least had epic introductions. You look now and there's nothing that compares in terms of first time impact than Visionaries, Mysterious Cities of Gold, and many others that I could name.
Because I have a fair few friends with children now, I see them and their kids on a regular basis and occasionally I go around and they are watching the modern day TV shows, and dear lord do they look awesome. It seems to be just a case of making sure that it's more colourful than anything else on TV and just letting the script-writers get away with murder.
And finally, talking of nostalgia, a lot of my favourite movies came out towards the late 1980s/early 90s and they were films that were fun. You could just sit and watch them, they could make you laugh, cry, get angry or smile, they just had everything, and there were very few special effects like there are in films today. You used to look at these films and wonder how they managed to execute what they did, whereas now you're like "oh, it's just a computer".
Iconic scenes from Willow, The Thing, The Fly and many others were made to look realistic and achieved it, without that much involvement from anything else other than make up and prosthetics. You knew that someone took time and care with all of these, rather than just letting a computer do most of the work.
FROM "WILLOW" - THE ARMY ARE TRANSFORMED INTO PIGS
RELEASED IN 1988
FROM "THE THING"
RELEASED IN THE EARLY 1980S
FROM "THE FLY" - THE FINAL PART OF JEFF GOLDBLUM'S TRANSFORMATION
RELEASED IN 1986ish
It does make me wonder if, in 20 years, the youngsters will look back on the films, games and tv shows of today and feel about them how I feel about stuff from my youth. It also makes me wonder if people who were from the generation before mine, feel about my generation like I do about the generation after me?
As I say, I feel lucky to have been born in the 1980s and to have experienced these things, watching them grow, rather than them already being here waiting for me when I was born.
To end this blog, I'm going to share some other points of nostalgia from my youth, with some more films and games that I enjoyed that wouldn't be allowed to be sold these days.
THEME HOSPITAL - HORRENDOUSLY ADDICTIVE
MORTAL KOMBAT
I BECAME OBSESSED WITH THIS GAME AND IT'S SEQUELS DURING MY TEENS
Just so you know, this blog entry is named after a Kiss song, and not my personal views on what a theoretical deity might have given you.
As many of you know, my music genre of choice of the last 10 or so years has been rock music. I first started getting to know the genre in the late 90s, with my first experience being "Engel" by Rammstein on the soundtrack to Mortal Kombat Annihilation (both videos below) and then the emergence of Blink 182 with their anthemic "All the Small Things"
RAMMSTEIN - ENGEL
BLINK 182 - ALL THE SMALL THINGS
However, despite knowing about the genre, I didn't fall in love with it until I first heard Linkin Park. I was introduce to them by Andy Faller, probably my best friend through school, and that band opened the door for me and I was soon into bands such as System of a Down, Adema, and bands of such similar nature. I was a regular at Sugarcubes night club in Lincoln with my friends from various jobs.
More bands would be added to that list as time would go on but more of a similar nature to Blink 182, bands such as Good Charlotte, Jimmy Eat World, Greenday, All American Rejects and so on.
Signed poster from the "Heavy in the Day" complete bundle from Canterbury.
In recent years however my love of rock music started to fall as there were very few bands coming through that I thought were particularly unique, or interesting, and I started getting into other genres and recently started falling in love with synthesised music (search for Sound of Arrows to get an understanding of what I mean), however, the last week has seen my fall in love with rock again)
Firstly, Canterbury, one of the few new bands over the last few years that I have actually got excited about, released their second album, Heavy in the Day. Their debut "Thank You" was one of the most perfect albums I have ever listened to and the follow up is just as good, with my personal favourite song of their's "Gloria" featuring. I, in the most polite term possible, fucking love this band. They were the first band I ever saw live twice, and they spend time with all their fans after the gigs, how often can you say that about a band you go to see? All of them have time to talk to you and I have a lot of time for them as all four are some of the most humble guys guys you could ever meet.
Their "Heavy In the Day" album came in a complete bundle with a signed poster, art book and t-shirt, all for a reasonable £24.99, or alternatively you could just get the album on iTunes for £7.99, whichever you prefer.
I'm not going to sit here and claim I know all the words yet, but hopefully that won't take long and I would urge everyone to start getting into them as they will, hopefully, be massive one day. I have yet to hear a song from them that I haven't loved, and those that I didn't love straight away (such as Saviour) have grown on me to the point where I can listen to them over and over again. I really can't recommend the band this much.
Below is a documentary they made about their career so far and two of my favourite songs of their's.
CANTERBURY - THE STORY SO FAR
CANTERBURY - GLORIA
CANTERBURY - READY YET
So onto a new band that I love to a band who are legends in the rock industry, Blink 182.
As I mention towards the beginning of the article, Blink 182 were one of the first rock bands I heard and I have loved them from the first moment. They are the ONLY band where I have bought all their albums on their release date after I got to know them. Enema of the State is one of my favourite albums even to this day, with the follow up of "Take Off Your Pants and Jacket" also a favourite, however, my favourite of all their albums is the 2004 self-entitled album, although it took me a LONG, LONG time to start liking that album, however, it is arguably my favourite album ever.
After a hiatus that looked like it would never end due to the very public spats that singers Mark Hoppus and Tom Delonge had, however, when they reformed and announced a new album, I was very excited, even more so when they announced they would be having a tour in the UK, both of which I bought as soon as they became available.
I wasn't that impressed with the new album "Neighbourhoods" and even now, nearly 10 months on, I still just haven't got into it at all, I just really can't. I try and listen to it but only get four/five songs in before I have lost interest, and I have really tried. The only hope I have for it is that it took me nearly a year to start liking the self-entitled album.
But anyway, on Wednesday that concert finally happened and it was one of the most amazing evenings that I have EVER experienced. I can't even begin to describe it so I am going to just show you the video that I made by filming most of their songs.
And finally, to end this blog, I'm going to share with you with a selection of some of my favourite rock songs. Some are very heavy rock, others are quite pop-rock, but yeah, deal with it :P
JIMMY EAT WORLD - THE MIDDLE
DOWN WITH THE SICKNESS - DISTURBED
LIFESTYLES OF THE RICH AND FAMOUS - GOOD CHARLOTTE
PIECES - SUM 41
MOVE ALONG - ALL AMERICAN REJECTS
NO IT ISN'T - +44
A song by Mark Hoppus of Blink 182 about Tom Delonge....also of Blink 182
As you all saw in my last blog entry, I announced on various formats that I have the intention of becoming female and since then the reaction has been astonishing.
The reaction of my friends left me feeling overwhelmed with support and I'd like to share with you the reactions I got on Facebook, most of those who posted didn't know before hand that I have the intention of completing a sex change, which made their reactions all the more special. To be honest I wasn't actually that nervous about the reaction of friends, because if they didn't react well then it showed that they weren't truly a friend, but even then it was lovely to see them all behind me.
It takes a lot to humble me these days but all of those people certainly did that, and not to mention all of those who knew before hand who had supported me all the way through. The best part about this is that everyone has said that I seem a lot happier since it all came out into the open and since I started living as a woman, and that says to not only them, but to me also that this is definitely the right thing for me. I had always been worried that I was a bit too laid back to be taken seriously when it came to wanting to be female. I've never thought of myself as overly feminine but since I outed myself I have suddenly felt a great release and just felt free, and people have noticed I am, to quote someone at work, "considerably more camp than usual".
On Wednesday I had three girls I work with mock me (not in an offensive way) because I was theatrically miming to the songs I was listening to, something which one of them said "would never have happened a week ago". In a way that was one of the best things that has been said to me since I came out to everyone because it means that the act has been dropped, the arsehole that was Nathan Jackson has gone.
However, the most humbling moment of the week came this afternoon as I was getting on with my work. All of a sudden there is a young lady at my desk and she said she had read my blog entry about how I got to want to be female and loved it (hello by the way if you're reading this). After a brief conversation we had the following conversation over the internal messaging system.......
I really didn't know what to do following that. To be told I am inspiring is one of the most humbling and nicest things anyone has ever said to me. I mean considering it took me 27 years to inspire myself to finally start becoming the person who I want to be, to be told I am an inspiration is one of the most overwhelming things anyone has ever said to me. I mean I don't think I've done anything special, all I've done is do what I need to do for myself, but if that inspires others than that is awesome. I won't claim to be someone who will actively seek praise, but to receive that sort of comment from someone who I had only met about 10 minutes before hand was one of the most crazily awesome things I've ever had said to me.
I'm not going to lie though and say that this week hasn't had it's difficulties.
With a busted hand I have struggled to get ready in the morning, and I've realised now that there will be times where I have taken care with make up, putting my wig out, picking the right outfit, etc, only to have the image ruined by facial hair. I've shaved 4 times in 4 days but the problem with the stubble being short is that I have a shadow but the razor can't actually reach the hairs to trim them, meaning I am walking around with a noticable beard (if you look closely enough).
Until I actually have facial hair removed by those ever fun lazers, I am stuck with the occasional beard growth. I have bought some hair removal creams to tackle the issue, so hopefully that will come off, or alternatively might get the facial hair waxed off......along with a lot of other hair because I can assure all you guys out there, removing hair from legs, chest, stomach, underarms, arms and face takes a bloody long time.
It's a good thing I knew before-hand that I would still
look like a bloke in drag.
Then, of course, came the abuse. Now, I'm pretty immune to the abuse now, although it's still not nice, and when walking home on Wednesday I got random people in cars shouting stuff at me such as "Are you actually a girl?" and "Faggot" as they drove by. Fortunately I am strong enough that it doesn't bother me at all and the way I look at it is that if you're so insecure that they only feel they can criticise me from afar then they dont' even deserve to be a glimmer on my memory. They haven't opened their mind to different and lead a sheltered life. I am not saddened by their insults, I pity them for their lack of an open mind when it comes to others.
The reaction at work has been generally a good one, although obviously there have been people from other departments who haven't been told. They just see a guy, who is six foot tall and built like a rugby player, going around dressed in womens clothing. Apparantly some of them thought I was doing it for charity at first and only after a variety of methods of finding out what is actually going on, have they actually bothered to ask. It doesn't bother me, none of them were abusive or anything, but some of their guesses as to what I was actually doing were actually quite amusing.
And finally, I'm going to leave you with a video that I made for my subscribers on Youtube that not only shows how much I've changed in terms of appearance (obviously), but in temper. I used to get angry all of the time but in recent years I have mellowed out, so this video is great because it shows how far I've come from being the arsehole that I used to be.
Please note that this blog contains a LOTof personal details and thoughts (most of which I have never shared with anyone, not even my closest friends), thoughts on transssexualism and one of the most graphic videos you will EVER see. If you are uncomfortable with this then I would suggest closing this page now.
I broke this news to my friends on Facebook and followers on Twitter earlier, but for those who don't follow me on either I would like to announce that I am to have a sex change. Yes, that is right, your eyes do not deceive you, I have the intention of going from male to female. My new name is Kate Jackson, no middle names.
I realise that will come as a bit of a shock but to be honest, after 10,156 days of being alive, I couldn't care less if people are shocked anymore, it's just such a relief that I am out in the open and no long feel I have to hide. I have just spent my first day at work as a woman and after all the comments, stares, reactions from people that didn't know, etc, I am glad that I did it.
At various points during this you will also see an FAQ. These are regular questions that I get asked so it saves me time having to repeat myself to all of you.
To put it into some context for you....this is what I plan on letting someone do to me......(not for the squimish)
So how did I get to be like this? Well it all started 10,156 days ago on September 12th 1984. At around 5:05pm on that day I was born in Sutton in Ashfield, but I was quickly adopted out to the Lincoln-based Jackson family. Like most people I don't have any memories that are still with me from the first few years of my life and all I have are a few memories before the age of five, but there's one thing I know for sure and that is that I have always wanted to be female. I can't explain why, I don't know when I first realised or even how, I've just always known.
At that young age I was obviously unaware of a lot of things regarding difference, afterall transsexualism isn't exactly a subject that is taught in primary schools (or secondary schools for that matter) so I had no idea about the world of possibilities, but I knew that I was different and that I wanted to be female. Luckily childhood has a lot of distractions......"Oh, I only wish that I had been born as a ........ oooooh Power Rangers is on!".....kids don't have a large attention span, and I was no different.
Nathan Jackson : Aged Three
Who'd have thought that this happy young boy would
turn into a guy who wanted to be a girl?
As time continued I started learning more about transsexualism and the possibility that men can become women (and vice versa of course) and I remember the specific moment when I decided I wanted to go through a sex change. I was in bed and reading through the TV guide and there was a picture of Pamela Anderson in a rather revealing dress, I looked, noticed the perfect blonde hair, immaculate make up, beautiful dress and well, let's face it, bountiful chest, and I knew at that moment that a sex change was what I wanted to do.
It wasn't until around the age of 10/11/12 when I started having issues with wanting to be female. The thoughts weren't going away and obviously as you're getting older your body starts going through puberty, as do other peoples. Unfortunately I developed much sooner than virtually every other boy that I knew. By the time I was 11 I was already six feet tall, growing facial hair and hair in other areas of my body that I'm sure you can figure out, and one of the biggest problem was that the other boys noticed this in the changing rooms for PE and they made a big deal of it, something I was very uncomfortable with, but I obviously couldn't tell them why.
However, the most difficult part of growing up in my teens was by this time male and female bodies start to develop in very different ways. I was forced to watch as the girls suddenly started developing and all I remember thinking was that I wanted that. I became very socially awkward as I struggled to keep Nathan and the side that would eventually become Kate apart. Potential relationships developed but quickly fell apart as I was too scared to commit to anything without knowing how it would impact my desire to be female, in other words, I was a selfish fucker.
School wasn't an easy time for me and whilst I made some friends (and a LOT of enemies), I never thought any of them got to know the real me and that is such a shame, because other than one person (who is in the picture below) I didn't dislike any of them, some were very good friends.
FAQ : Why Kate?
Well I chose Kate after several years of choosing. I wanted a name that no-one I had ever known had had, not that I could remember anyway. So one night I sat and went through a baby names book and wrote down names I sort of liked. As the years went on I crossed off names of people I met and was left with three or four, and Kate was the most sensible, so there you go.
My class back in school. I no longer speak to any of them. The only two friends I still have from my class aren't in this picture. Jenna Adams, my longest serving friend, and Kelly Allen. I told Jenna and Kelly a few years ago, however, the only person who knew for sure that I wanted to be female out of that picture was Jon Kingsley, the ginger guy towards the back on the right hand side.
I had kept this completely to myself for a long time but then on night in May 2001 I told someone. Holly Cooper, a girl who I admit I was attracted to at the time, was the sister of my friend Sean so was someone who I sort of knew but didn't ever expect to be the first person I would tell. I told her at roughly 8pm one evening and she said I could trust her......within 24 hours more than 2000 people knew. She went to a school called RP and that is literally just across the road from NK, the school I went to. She told one of her friends, who subsequently told their friends, who had friends in NK and basically within a day virtually everyone knew that I wanted to the female. I panicked when people were asking and denied it, but I knew at that moment I couldn't stay at NK and I left for college.
However, I soon became very open about it and whilst this was a great relief but I was incredibly naive about the whole thing. Being open about it turned out to be a horrible mistake. Whilst I had a great support network of friends, the fact that a lot of people who weren't my friends back in school knew meant that I was often getting abused by their friends on the street. There was one moment in particular when I got on a bus to go into town, someone at the back of the near full bus shouted "That's Nathan Jackson, that faggot wants a sex change, disgusting piece of shit," .... as you can imagine, my confidence took a huge battering in those few years and I retracted back into my shell.
If I'm being honest, and this is something I have never told ANYONE before, I came very close to killing myself at one point because the abuse got so bad. I didn't know how to cope with it and I went into a depression. I didn't have any friends at the time, and that's not me being dramatic, I didn't have a single friend, not one person that I could turn to, I felt so alone that it was a very dark time for me. Fortunately I didn't get to the point of no return and I was eventually able to get to a point where, although struggling, I wasn't suicidal anymore.
As time goes on and I start getting less and less abuse over this but confidence is still an al time low, only 3/4 people know I want to be female but I start letting people into that circle of my life and I can't thank people like Charlie Herlingshaw, Ellen Lancaster and a few others for their help in restoring my confidence and showing me that not everyone was like the cold hearted bastards I had to put up before hand.
Back in 2005 on a night out. Charlie (girl with braids) and Ellen (the pale one on the end) remain two of my closest friends to this day. They are the only two people who I feel completely comfortable telling anything and everything to.
As time goes on and I head into my early-mid twenties, I finally start experimenting with clothes and make up....it was a bit of a disaster, but I figure that I can't go back to being ridiculously open about it so I start developing an act, I start developing a false personality to avoid leaving myself open to before. I invited the Nathan Jackson that became the guy who would constantly argue with anyone, be as stereotypically manly as possible and make this whole thing a complete surprise. It was so perfect that virtually everyone is always surprised when I tell them.
Fortunately as I've been getting older it has gotten far easier to tell people and fortunately people are far more open minded than they used to be. I think that is because transsexualism is covered extensively in the media these days and people don't have misconceptions that they used to have. Transsexualism isn't just a gay guy who wants to find it easier to bed men, that is a misconception that seriously bugs me, as does the impression that any male who wants to be female is automatically attracted to men, that is not the case. I am 27 years old and have yet to be attracted to a guy, however, I am not ruling anything out. I think I am bisexual but heavily in favour of females at the moment. That may all change in years to come and for all I know, in four/five years I could be wanting to be with a different man every night, but as I say, that's not me at the moment.
So anyway, skip forward to March 16th this year. It's roughly 6:50am and basically my friendship with a girl called Jodi ended, I'm not going to go into full on details about it but basically after that I decided that it was the right time to become female. I had driven away all the important people in my life and needed a fresh start. Marinda, Jodi, Faye, and various others were people who I had drove away from my life and everything was telling me it was time to move on with my life.
I was sick of being crippled from the exhaustion of keeping a double life. I hated that I had to be different people depending on who I was around. I hated that I could only be myself around specific people and most of all I hated the person I was pretending to be. The person who I pretended to be was an arsehole....and I am happy to admit that.
This turned out to be the last picture ever taken of Nathan Jackson.
Taken on Thursday June 29th 2012
and yes, that is the Olympic torch.
At that point I told my manager at work and over the last three months she has helped me prepare for today, the day where I have come out to everyone on Facebook, Twitter, etc. Over the last few months I have been gradually building up my clothes, make up and various other little collections of feminine items (and I can assure men that there are a LOT, and I do mean a LOT of things that women use), but I've never been that confident with regards to this sort of stuff, so my of the time it would be standing pretending I'm looking at something else (shampoo for example) whilst casting my eye over to what I actually want and then grabbing it.
Just over two weeks ago I also joined a transgender support group in Nottingham and it was the first time I had ever dressed as Kate outside of my flat. I enter the room and all of a sudden I had twenty pairs of eyes just staring at me. I am not a confident person, I am very self-concious, especially when dressed as Kate, so to have twenty-pairs of eyes suddenly staring at me was very nerving indeed. Fortunately as the evening went on I settled in a bit more and everything was good.
FAQ : So.....are you gay?
Well it's a bit of a strange one because I am not attracted to men at the moment but when I picture myself as a woman, I always picture myself with a guy. My friend Megan said to me once that I wasn't attracted to men or women, but was more attracted to straight relationships and wasn't fussed what side of that relationship I was.
At the moment I am attracted to women but I don't know what effect hormones will have on my brain, so it's impossible to tell at the moment.
My team at work were also told over recently weeks and the first of these sessions was 10 days ago. My manager took away all the guys from my team to tell them and all of a sudden everything just felt so real, I became overcome with emotion and I broke down crying, and I'm not just talking about a few well hidden tears, I mean full on crying. Thankfully two of the girls from my team took me to the side and helped calm me down.
So, this is Kate.
This is how I will appear from now on and none of you will
ever see the male version of me again.
Skip forward to today and it was the first ever day that the general pub saw Kate. Today was the first day I had ever been Kate outside of my flat or the support of the transgender group, and it's been a nerve-jangling day.. I woke up at 5am and because I have a busted hand at the moment (that's a story for another day), it took several hours to get ready. I left my flat at 6:15 and it took 40 minutes to walk to work and I walked past several people along the way, as you can imagine there were several comments.....not bad ones, just stuff like "Is that a guy?"....for those of you who have never met me, I'm 6 feet tall and am built like a rugby player.
Wandering around the building and obviously several people do a double take when they see people, whereas a few members of my team kept looking at me on various occasions. A few people who I know see me and think I'm joking or doing it for a bet, they refuse to take it seriously.
Fortunately though, other than the puzzled look on people's faces, there was no negativity really. At the time of writing I haven't lost any friends on Facebook today, that despite announcing it eight hours ago and I was very surprised that not one person had an issue with it, there's usually at least one.
So there you have it, that is how Kate came to be. I'm going going to claim that everything will go swimmingly over the next few years. I will fuck up quite a lot and will unintentionally offend on a regular basis, but hopefully in a few years we'll be able to look back on this and laugh.
If some of you are interested in finding out some more about the subject, there are several films that focus around transgender issues, some on a serious level and some on a more less-serious nature, but all have the same general feeling to them (trailers below).
Posts
