I am human

Hello all

I trust all is well?

Today was a strange day, I felt human again. For around 2 years I have felt disconnected from the human species, often even being misanthropic. If anything I resembled one of my favourite fictional characters, Patrick Bateman from American Psycho, I hated people and I'm not just talking about people who I genuinely had a reason to hate, I mean people in general. Below is the end scene from American Psycho and how have felt about the world for the better part of the last two years.

I found any reason I could to dislike someone, even if it was the most petty reason that I could find, and you know what, I even hated myself for some time.

Today that changed, today I became human again, today I felt emotion for the first time in a long time. I have no idea whether it was just the hormones taking an effect on an emotional level, or just because I will genuinely miss my friend, or a bit of both, but either way, I felt alive again.

To put some context into this, about 10 weeks ago a French guy called Amaury moved in and although at first we didn't really speak at first (and we both openly admitted earlier today that neither of us initially intended to speak to the other at all) but over time Amaury somehow managed to get me laughing again, and on a regular basis. I had been missing a genuine friend from my life for some time, a friend who I could see on a regular basis and actually enjoy their company, but that's what I got with Amaury.

For ten weeks Amaury would make me laugh until I couldn't breath anymore and introduced me to some

Amaury

things that will stay with me for the rest of my life, and in all honesty, he is the person who I have enjoyed living with the most since I moved out of my parents house. He was one of 15 people whom I have shared some form of house/flat with and he is one of only four who I haven't hated (the other's being Nat, Andy and Jim, all either currently or previously living at my current house), and it was really disappointing when he said he was moving back to France.

It was to be expected really, he had been talking about going back since he moved in and finally made the choice properly about a month ago. Skip forward four weeks and I am in London, he is coming down for the Eurostar back to France and we meet up and have a Costa. It's strange because all the way through it was a weird goodbye, and then the time finally comes for him to go and he walks off down the street (I'm only going to the hospital on the opposite side of the road so I stay there). I watch as he goes and all of a sudden I am overcome with emotion, I'm struggling to hold back the tears, even when I'm sat in the reception at the hospital.

In a way it was the best and worst feelings I think I've had for a long time. I hated that I had to say goodbye to a good friend, but I relieved as it was the first time that I have felt human emotion for two years. It's strange because I know I will see him again and I do plan on going to France at some point later this year to visit him in Lille, but for now this house feels empty...and it's nothing to do with the fact that I am currently the only person actually in the house.

So to Amaury, "bonjour amaury, merci d'être un bon ami dans les dix semaines que je vous ai connus. Ce fut un plaisir de vous connaître et je vous souhaite tout le meilleur à l'avenir. Je viendrai à Lille à un certain moment dans le futur proche, je vais vous voir bientôt. Au revoir."

I now have a varied emotional range

I just feel relieved in many ways. For 2 years I have done nothing but hate and feel misanthropic, but now I know that I am again capable of feeling. I am human again

Anyway, I'll leave this here, so until next time people.

Kate.