Maybe it's time to hit "restore to factory settings"

Hello all

This happy little kid turned into me
What the hell happened?

Earlier I became ashamed of myself as I seriously lost my cool with someone. Most people know it takes a lot of make me angry, but the last two days have seen me get extremely angry at three people, two of whom deserved, but today saw me threaten someone because I got exceptionally angry. I'm not even a violent person and I just became disgusted with myself afterwards. I won't get fully into what happened and why I was angry at him, but I owe Jack Mulhall an apology.

Me and Jack first met just after Christmas 2008 and although I've never considered him a good friend, or even a friend the majority of the times, he didn't deserve what happened this morning. The thing with Jack is that he knows how to wind me up, and he often tries......and succeeds in his attempts, but even then he didn't deserve the reaction he got today and it made me think about how I am continuing to change into someone I don't like.

I have mentioned in recent blogs that I have started therapy again because although I think I am generally quite strong, I don't think I am quite strong enough on my own anymore. I do have a network of three/four good friends, a forum of people who I've known for several years and a great girlfriend (Vanessa), but I need a professional to help me out with other issues I have. I've had two sessions so far as it is a bit strange as we haven't really spoken about anything I went there for yet, but I'm going to give it a bit of time.

However, I think I need to go back to the way I used to be when I was last truly happy, the period of 2005-7, a period when I was able to just be myself. I had people around who I could talk to about simple stuff such as music and they would know what I was refering to, now there's no-one around that I can have those conversations with. After I moved to Nottingham, all these friends left Lincoln and I'm now not even close to being socialable after moving back to Lincoln in 2009. I don't really have anyone around other than Vanessa who I feel I can be socialable with.



How I feel at the moment

 I think I just feel lost really, I don't really know who I am anymore, what I want to do or who I want in my life. Up until July I knew exactly what I wanted to do with my life, I knew who I was, who I wanted to be, where I wanted to be and I had the next 50 years of my life planned out..........now I don't even know what I'm going to be doing tomorrow. Maybe I need to take that leap of faith and just get a fresh start somewhere else, maybe mundanity has just taken it's toll on me.

Maybe threatening Jack was the wake up call I needed. Maybe it's the signal that I can't go on without changing something. I think it's time that I start to restore myself to the state of being I was in 2005-7, it's time I try and find what makes me happy again, so if anyone reads this, lives nearby to me (I like in Lincoln, England) and likes the below type of music, give me a shout because it would be nice to make some new friends.

Non, je ne regrette rien

Please note I have experienced some formatting issues with this particular blog entry.

I really can't get enough
of this quote. Love it.



A week ago I stumbled across a quote which has changed the way I look at things........

“Your journey has molded you for your greater good, and it was exactly what it need to be. Don't think that you've lost time. It took each and every situation you have encountered to bring you to the now. and now is right on time.”
― Asha Tyson
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Since then I have been reassessing a lot of things and to be more precise, the recent past. The quote taught me that there's no point regretting the past because I can't change it, but what I can do is use my experiences to shape my future.

I'm not going to beat around the bush, it's time to be open and honest to a point where it might upset a few people, and let's start with the person who started this mini-evolution of me, Jodi.
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I thank Jodi for the 11 years we were friends, I appreciate the times she helped me but I no longer regret losing my friendship with her. It is what it is now because we just weren't compatible of friends at this time. We were good friends and maybe we'll be good friends again in the future, who knows?
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Don't get me wrong, Jodi was a lovely girl and was one of the few who could bring out virtually every emotion in me, and it hurts how our friendship quickly fell apart, but I think it might have been a good thing as she isn't what I need right now so there's no point regretting what happened anymore. I have apologised for my part in the friendship falling apart (for those that don't know, her friend accused me of being a stalker, something which I can assure you I was not, and I find it disappointing that now she is going around saying I was to people, at least according to the people who have contacted me to tell me what she's been saying. I don't really want to replicate the immaturity she has shown since the friendship ended, but I can assure you all that I have not, am not, and nor do I ever intend to stalk Jodi).
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If she accepts my apology then great, if not then meh, either way I think that friendship is dead in the water for the time being, although never say never. That is the last time I will ever reference Jodi in this blog.
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Letting go of regret has been the best thing that has ever happened to me. It's a fine line between regret and insanity and I was treading that line very dangerously, but that's the old me. This shit happened but there's nothing I can do about it, just get on with it. And I think that it's summed up quite well in a quote from the Shawshank Redemption, "Get busy living or get busy dying!"
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So yeah, this is now what my life is going to be, regretting the past is pointless, it's all about the future. I think about the past on a regular basis and have regretted stuff, I have regularly gotten nostalgic as well, but the best part about nostalgia is that you conveniently forget the bad parts of what you're remembering, and that's the difference between the two. Nostalgic is fucking awesome and that's what's going to happen from now on. Nostalgia, not regret.

The debate about Donetsk

Hello all

The Donbass Arena
Home of Shaktar Donestk
Venue for England vs France

As regular readers know, I am a fan of the most popular sport in the world, football.....and by football I don't mean the game that is effectively rugby on steroids. I've been to a few big games in the past. I've been to Champions League finals, I've been to FA Cup and Playoff Finals, I've been to games at all 92 Football League and Premiership clubs, hell, I've even been to a triangle match (three goals, three different teams facing each other at the same time), any type of match you can imagine, I've probably been to.....except for an international tournament.

About a year or so ago I thought it would be nice to go to the European Championships that are taking place later this year, so me and two people from work applied for tickets. We initially planned on going to three games but that eventually went down to one, and it was going to be in my prefered choice of Donetsk. We didn't know which teams we would be watching, but just to get a ticket would have been fantastic, so when the news came through a few weeks later, we were delighted. It later turned out the game would be England vs France.

All of us got quite excited and started planning, but it was at this point that issues started.

External view of the Donbass

However, then the other two people started getting reservations with regards to plane flights and the fact there were very few hotels within a reasonable distance of the stadium, and both pulled out, meaning I was left on my own effectively. Now initially I was like "fuck it then, I'll go on my own.....but on my own in the middle of the Ukraine is not an ideal situation, so I thought that when the ticket arrives, I'll sell it.

Skip forward and it's now 10 weeks until the game and I am suddenly finding myself wanting to go again, but the negatives far outweigh the positives when debating whether to go. I mean it is just another stadium and it's not particularly unique in it's design, but it just looks awesome fom the outside, especially at night, and I am very keen to see this in person.

Decisions, decisions.

Positives

• Stadium I've wanted to visit for a long time.
• Chance for a game at an international tournament and effectively complete the set

Negatives

• The Ukraine has a reputation for being less than safe
• I can't speak Ukrainian and have left it too late to learn.
• It's quite expensive
• The nearest hotel that's available is 30 miles away and it's £120 a night.
• THe seat isn't actually that great

I still want to go and probably still will end up going, but it's going to be a tough choice.

A long overdue thank you

Hello all

 

As I mentioned in the video for my previous blog entry, I owe two people a massive thank you and they are Ellen and Charlie.

 



Myself and Ellen back in 2007....after she had stolen my hat

 I've known both of them since 2005 and since then they have been awesome friends and I can't thank them enough, especially over the last few months where they have both really helped with my well documented (well, I say well documented, on here and Facebook) issues.

 

I first met both of them when I started working at BT. I had been working there for about 2 months when one day a girl came up to me saying asking if the seat next to me was free......"Go for it" was my response.

 

After about two hours she noticed I had a lot of football programmes next to me that I was slowly making my way through. This lead onto our first ever conversation and we just clicked instantly. Two nights later and my, her and her boyfriend at the time went on a night out.

 

 


 Soon afterwards I met Ellen through Charlie, probably at Cubes. She also worked at BT but in a different team, so we rarely spoke, but we also got on quite well, although we are very different people in the sense that Ellen is loud, in your face and very friendly, at the time I was pretty much the opposite, the shy, retiring type. It was very weird, but a good weird.

 

Through these two and the weekly nights out to Cubes, I met some people who I have also gone on to be good friends with, such as Catherine, Debra and a few others who's names escapes me.

 



I don't think I've ever been more socialable than when I am with Charlie and Ellen. I was regularly going out on Friday nights with them (although I often didn't stay out long), I would go to the cinema with them (as opposed to the usual venturing on my own) and they were just awesome.

 

What I also love is their sense of humour. Me and Charlie both have warped senses of humour and are both a bit nostalgic. A few weeks after meeting her me and her had a massive Bomberman (an old game on the Megadrive for those who are not aware) session. I think we were playing for about 4/5 hours....which I can assure you, is a long time to be playing Bomberman.



Charlie



 

I've had some great times with both of them, and some of the funniest moments of my life has been with them.

 

• Ellen's school"girl" night out for her birthday in 2006.
• Carrying Charlie on my back before starting to go uphill and getting tired very quickly.
• Once getting changed in Ellen's room, one of her room-mates sort of walked in and then shouted "Ellen's got a naked boy in her room" at the top of her voice.

Good times. Good times indeed.

 

But what I love most about these two is that they are there for their friends. Granted, they don't always answer the phone, but I know that there is a reason behind it, rather than some others would just not answer for the sake of not answering. Over the past few weeks they have been awesome by helping me through my issue with Jodi, as well as various other things, and I can't thank them enough. There are no words for how great these two are.

And now for something a little bit different

Hello all

I figured that I would try a video to go on this blog rather than me just being sat here typing for hours on end.

I messed up the first attempt but figured I'd share it anyway, whereas I've also shared the two songs that I talk about in the video, just so you know what I am looking at.

In the videos I talk about a few aspects of my life at the moment, including relationships, old friends, my potential plans to move abroad and how Lincoln City have managed to win two games in a row.

Take 1

Take 2

Linkin Park - Iridescent

Robbie Robb - In Time

The end is not nigh, it's here

Hello all

New College Nottingham

As I briefly mentioned in previous blogs, I've been learning German at evening college in Nottingham and tonight that came to an end.....to my surprise. It turned out that tonight was the last lesson as the course had run it's 20 weeks, and I'm not available to do an additional five weeks that they were putting on in a few weeks. Now, I knew it was ending soon, but I was quite surprised by how soon.

It's a shame in a way because I enjoyed going to Nottingham every Monday, it gave me a nice mini-break from Lincoln and Newark, and typically it comes when the clocks have changed, meaning that I could actually enjoy the sights as I was making my way to the college, rather than just being able to see pitch black and street lights.

There were times when I wasn’t getting home until near enough 11:30pm because I would miss the 8:29 train (I do drive but the roads leading to the college are a nightmare, I can’t stand them) and the next/last train wasn’t until 10:20pm, and it just became exhausting because if I was on my 8-4 shift, I wouldn’t have a chance to relax as I’d be going to bed near enough as soon as I would be getting in, which wasn’t good.

I also assure you that filling two hours in the middle of Nottingham at that time of night when you have a bag full of books and your laptop isn’t easy. Before I went on my diet I was regularly going to the McDonalds near Market Square, buying a Big Mac meal (with a milkshake) and chomping it down……it’s no wonder I put on as much weight as I did by eating over 1000 calories less than 3 hours before I went to bed….with no exercise.



Germany - I could potentially hold a
basic conversation here.



It's also a bit bizarre in the sense that all of a sudden, the people who I’ve spent the last 20 weeks with are no longer going to be around, which is very bizarre. It's not even like I'll see them around and about because I was the only one who doesn't live in Nottingham. I only really got to know one of them as well (hi Lesley), so it’s a bit strange having the feeling of missing someone when you never really knew them, if that made sense.



The course didn’t start well as it had a really dull lecturer teaching at first and it appeared that she was literally only going to play CDs and get us to read along to a book…..I could do that shit at home…..which is what I imagine a lot of people felt as the first week had 25 people attending……the second only 11…..and by tonight’s lesson we were down to just 6. There are some people who I would definitely go for a social outing with if I ever saw them around, Lesley, Karen, Matt, Victoria and a few others.

The course does have a second year that starts in October(ish) time, I am unsure whether I will enrol though as I don’t know what I’ll be doing at that time, but I know that between now and then it’ll be nice to have my Monday evenings back to myself. It’ll be nice to be home half an hour after finishing my shift, something I haven’t been able to say for some time.

The moment Lincoln City Football Club died

Hello all

I don't often write about football in this blog but in the middle of fighting my own personal demons, I had to take the time out from that to address the situation at Lincoln City Football Club.

Let me give you a bit of a back story first. I first started going to Lincoln City on a regular basis in 2000/1, after a difficult first few years it seemed the club would die. The club entered administration and made several members of staff redundant, including then manager Alan Buckley. Rob Bradley decided to appoint Keith Alexander (RIP), Buckley's assistant, as permanent manager following a spell as caretaker. Keith's legion of non-league players, lead by the brilliant business mind of Rob Bradley, meant that the Imps were suddenly a club on the up.



Keith Alexander - RIP

 A first ever foray into the Playoffs followed, the first of five in a row. Names such as Alan Marriott, Simon Yeo, Simon Weaver, Richard Butcher (RIP), Peter Gain, Ben Futcher, Paul Morgan, Mark Bailey and several others set the foundations on the pitch for easily the best spell the club has had for several years, and as time went on players came into the club who have gone on to play in the Championship and Premiership, namely Gareth McAuley, Gary Taylor-Fletcher, Jack Hobbs and Jamie McCombe.

In 2005 Rob Bradley announced he was going to step down as Chairman. He was replaced by Steff Wright. A mass exodus of players lead Alexander to have to replace most of the squad and the Imps were struggling in the lower reaches of midtable as the club headed into New Year's Day. On January 2nd, as the Imps were heading to Mansfield Town for a local derby, the news came through that Keith Alexander had been placed on gardening leave. In the week that followed Gary Simpson (assistant manager) left, as well as Keith Roe and Ray Trew, the latter of which has gone on to be the current chairman at Notts County.

Things on the pitch did improve and despite being awful for the majority of the time, the club again made the Playoffs but lost 3-1 on aggregate to Grimsby. Keith Alexander quit the club a few days later, stating he had taken the club as far as he could.

Time went by as John Schofield, Peter Jackson and Chris Sutton were all appointed and failed to replicate consistently what Keith Alexander had done before Steff Wright announced he was going to leave as Chairman at the end of the 2009/10 season. He was replaced by Bob Dorrian in the summer of 2010, twelve months later the club were relegated. Skip forward 10 months and the Imps are again in danger of being relegated and with the Imps in terrible form but refusing to get rid of a manager who has only recorded two League wins since the beginning of December, there is a planned protest at Saturday's game against Newport.

The fans are protesting about how the club is being run, with many unhappy with Dorrian in particular. Dorrian has gained a reputation of saying what he wants to suit whoever he is talking to, with many saying that he alledgely changed his story from one minute to the next in the same conversation.

On Tuesday afternoon, the football club released the following statement on the official site.


The Board of Directors wish to condemn publicly the protest being organised by a small section of 'supporters' to take place prior to Saturday's vital Blue Square Bet Premier game against Newport County at Sincil Bank Stadium.


It seems that some of these 'supporters' are motivated by a desire to undermine the Board of Directors and to put the Club's Blue Square Bet Premier status at risk in the process is, quite simply, a disgrace.

Sincil Bank - Soon to be a Blue Square North ground

The outcome of such actions will almost certainly have a detrimental effect on the players and now, more than ever, is the time for positivity not negativity from everyone who has the future of Lincoln City Football Club at heart.

To me that signals the end of Lincoln City Football Club as we know it. The statement effectively says that the fans aren't allowed to have an opinion if they're not going to back the club.

When running a website about the club, I often got into arguments with the other fans as our opinions differed somewhat, but I always respected their right to that opinion, something wwhich the board doesn't seem to be doing. I must have missed the moment when our football club became a dictatorship, where only those in power get to decide what's the right and wrong opinion to have.

Let me put this into some kind of perspective for you with the use of stats. If these don't show you why the fans are discontented, nothing will.

Since Keith Alexander left the club

Seasons : 6 (including the current one)
Managers (permanent only) : 5 (including the current one)
Top Half Finishes : 1
Relegations : 1

League Matches Played : 267
League Wins : 74 (27.76%)
League Defeats : 120 (44.94%)
Goals For : 309
Goals Against : 389

Seasons with more home wins than defeats : 2 (2006/7 and 2009/10)

Wins by 3 or more goals : 7
Defeats by 3 or more goals : 19




So, the board of Lincoln City Football Club, based on all the above, please point out why the fans should be happy? The statement from the board is a joke, it really is. Rob Bradley always used to say that the fans made the club, so for the current board to say that the fans are killing the club is one of the most ludicrus things I've ever seen in my life.

You say it's a minority? The only minority in regards to Lincoln fans at the moment is those that are happy with the way things are going. The ones who are protesting are those that want to put their frustrations into action.

Well done Lincoln City Football Club, with this statement you have gone a long way to killing this football club.

I'm glad I stopped giving a fuck a long time again and I have already decided that this will be the last season that I will have a season ticket. I have highlighted in this blog on many occasions that I am planning on moving to either America or Canada, and regardless of whether I have moved or not by the time next season comes around, I am no longer prepared to constantly pump my money in for a club that is well on it's way to dying on it's arse.

I'll phone the undertaker.

Step 1 done, Step 2 done, wait

Hello all

As you've probably noticed in my last few entries, I've not exactly been the picture of perfect mental health. I have mentioned in a few blogs in the recent past that I have often been questioning my mental health and I think it was important to question that as I have now done the most important thing, admitting I have a problem.

In recent years I have slowly alienated those closest to me and it cost me some of the closest people to me. Marinda, despite her many flaws, could always make me laugh and was loveable in her own way. Jodi, despite her flaws, was generally a good friend, and it's the falling apart of the friendship with her which is what has sparked all of this off.

I also think I am a bit delusional as I have often thought that I was better than most people at various things. For example, when I used to play football in the Sunday League for Flintham, Collingham and Branston, I always used to question why I wasn't getting played as I was the only striker regularly scoring in training for all three, but not only did I never actually perform when it mattered, but I have always been shit at football. I may have the odd good game every few months, but largely I am shocking at football, and yet I was always questioning why I wasn't playing.

I could go on listing my flaws but I'm pretty sure most of you have a good idea as to my flaws anyway.

So yeah, admitting that I have a problem was the first step and this morning I have taken the important second step, seeking help. Yesterday I obtained the names and numbers of some counselling and therapist services in the Lincoln area and sent various emails out.

Step 1 : Admit the problem
Step 2 : Start finding help
Step 3 : Stop being a fuckhead

I'm not strong enough to do this on my own

It took 24 hours but the whole Jodi situation has caught up with me and I'm not coping well now. Being left alone with my thoughts when I have nothing else to think about is killing me.

I think it's time to restart therapy as I'm not strong enough to fight this on my own. I am more damaged than I care to admit and for my generally calm exterior most of the time, I'm constantly fighting an internal war. I fear for my sanity, what remains of it anyway.

I always thought I was the strong one in friendships, but it turns out that I was always the one who needed the other person.

I need help!

One of the strangest feelings I've ever had.....

Hello all

Please note I wrote this part of the blog on Friday morning, roughly 10am.

Well it's been a strange few weeks and this morning is probably the strangest of them all.

I'm not going to go into too many details but here is a short summary. I've mentioned a woman on here called Jodi on several occasions. Me and Jodi were friends for 10 years give or take, it was a bit up and down to say the last, but recently things took a bit of a strange turn for various reasons. Notice all the uses of the past-tense in that sentence? Well long story short, I sent a message to her last night where I got some feelings off of my chest and the reaction is that, on the most basic level, we have not been friends as of around 7:45 this morning. Believe me, it gets far more complicated that that but it would take far too long to properly explain.

The strangest feeling about this whole thing is that I've lost good friends before and felt gutted every single time. Each time I've had a strange feeling in my stomach and felt physically ill for several days on end, this time it's different. I don't know whether I have unconciously preparing myself for this day for some time and although I am disappointed the friendship is over and I will miss Jodi, I loved her as a friend and at points, as more than a friend, but that sickly feeling isn't here. It's hard to explain really. Up until recently I had considered Jodi to be one of my closest friends, but things took a bitter turn very quickly.

Jodi was one of those people who I turned to whenever I have lost friends in the past, so maybe she unintentionally taught me well enough that when the day came, I wouldn't have the normal feelings if/when I lost her. As I say, it's hard to explain because after ten years, sure, I'm going to miss her and I feel a bit gutted, but my reaction in general has surprised me. Maybe it's a good thing I don't have those usual feelings because otherwise I would struggle to get over her.

As I say, I'm not going to get into too many details but I think I can safely say that, for the forseeable future at least, mine and Jodi's friendship is over.

As Jodi reads this blog occasionally, I just want you to know that for what it's worth, thank you for the last ten years.

So yeah, it's bizarre and maybe my feelings about the situation will change in the near future, I genuinely don't know, but for now I'm going to sit here in what can best be described as a state of confusion as to why my feelings aren't what they usually are.

UPDATE : Friday 1:56pm

That weird feeling I usually get has started to kick in but I'm determined not to let it beat me this time.

After the conversation I'm refering to above, in which I was called an arsehole several times, that started bugging me afterwards so I sent out a text to various people who I know aren't my close friends, i/e those that have mixed opinions off me, to ask if they think I'm an arsehole. The response was generally positive, the general concensus being that although I have my moments, I'm generally not an arsehole.

It seems almost strange that this whole situation started with Jodi's friend, sorry, I mean former friend Nolan, calling me a stalker way back at the beginning of February and has ended with being called an arsehole in mid-March. Maybe that's also why I'm not as impacted as I am normally. Since then me and Jodi had only spoken once before today and that conversation lasted literally five messages, and so I had gotten used to not talking to her in a way since then. Infact the only reason today's conversation took place was because I gew frustrated at not being given the chance to talk about the whole thing with Nolan and subsequent issues, whereas with all the other friends I've fallen out with I was talking to them on a regular basis when it happened.

I don't know.

I'll update this later if any other feelings come to mind.

UPDATE : 2:32PM

I think the way I'm going to get through this is keeping myself and my mind busy. It occured to me that whilst the other friendships were falling apart, I was at home and had nothing going on so that's all I could think about.

UPDATE : 10:55PM

Well I came back from a date and saw the stats pages and I've been getting a lot of hits from Canada in the last few hours.....which means one of two things, either Jodi is constantly checking to see what I'm saying about her or she's sending the link to this blog to her friends and they are looking. Either way, meh!

Throughout the last 8 or so hours I have been trying to distract myself throughout the day but couldn't stop thinking about it and what was said. I've had a few friends to talk about it, especially the ever reliable Charlie, which has helped. It still feels pretty strange, but again the usual feeling hasn't come up majorly, or at least not to the usual amount anyway.

As I mentioned briefly earlier, I also went on a date in the evening and the topic came up (she had read the blog entry), thankfully the date was cool with everything, saying the past is the past and we can only look to the future.

I think as time passes this will all become easier and I can move on properly. Don't get me wrong, I think I'm coping reasonably well with the whole situation, maybe because I have been thinking about this day for some time....but for now those of you who know me outside of the confines of the internet will notice that I will be a bit quiet over the next few days and weeks. Infact, if you're ever met in person, you'll know that if something is on my mind then I go a bit quiet. So if I'm not my usual self over the next few days/weeks, it's because I'm thinking of all of this.

That is going to be the last update to this particular blog. If anything else happens, which I doubt to be honest, then they will be placed on another entry.