The Bantre Bus : A bizarre away day.

Please note it is definitely "bantre" and not "banter"

So 2011/12 is finally over for Lincoln City and it ended in a fitting way, in a very bizarre fashion.

It all started for me at around 5am, my alarm wasn’t even due to go off for another hour but my body’s ability to piss me off by waking me up ridiculously early resurfaced. A quick breakfast and drive later and I was down at Lincoln train station, I wasn’t catching a train however. Billy Jarish had organised a coach to go down to Lincoln’s last game of the season at Ebbsfleet, a separate coach from the usual supporters coach.

An hour passes at the train station before the coach actually turns up and I ended up being the first one on it from Lincoln, and the driver wants me to talk about things like Boston United’s season, to which I know very little, but I try and make polite conversation, because I like to think I am generally a polite individual…..most of the time. After a while everyone starts turning up and there’s the usual crowd, and a few others who I don’t know.

Included from the usual group that I know are Dave Kirkbright, Jack Mulhall, Max Heath, Billy Jarish (more on him later), Chris Lemm, Stuart Houlton and Adam Mawer. I was originally planning on sitting on my own down at the front as I'm currently trying to figure out a few things and am preparing for one of the busiest periods of my life....but I ended up sitting with them around the middle, an area that felt very crowded to say the least.

There are also a few others that I know but either don’t speak to them often or they rarely go to away games, such as Luke Fane, Jordan Brown, Josh Woodcock, Nick Green, Callum Goddard and a girl called Michelle, who despite the fact we sit near each other at home games and have done for the entire season, was someone who I had never actually shared a conversation with.

The trip doesn't start particularly well as the toilet is out of order.......or to be more precise....it hasn't been assembled.....cue a trip of people pissing in bottles or the sink that is in the toilet......lovely!!!! You'd think for the money that was paid (which I am told was quite a bit), that the company would provide a working toilet.....especially due to the distance.

Things go like normal, everyone with the exception of myself is drinking, that despite the hilarious safety video telling us that we couldn’t…..then again this video also told us to do proper stretching exercises after sitting down, which was a first. I had prepared a quiz that proved difficult to do for the simple reason that I was consistently being interrupted by various participants. After 25 questions….that took nearly an hour to read due to the interruptions, Dave Kirkbright continued his tradition of winning the quizzes I prepare.

Then things take a weird turn as all of a sudden the group starts singing chants about each other and they move onto myself and I am “fortunate” enough to be given two chants…….something which I was not thrilled about.

The first : “Oh Nathan Jackson, you are the love of my life, oh Nathan Jackson. I’d let you shag my wife, oh Nathan Jackson. I want gypsy hair too.” <repeat several times>

The second :  “He shags who he wants, he shags who he wants, he’s Nathan Jackson, he shags who he wants.”

I was particularly uncomfortable with the second chant as it basically infers that I’m a womaniser, something which I assure everyone that I am not. Infact, those who know me properly know that I am far from a womaniser and the fact I have only been with two different women in the last three years, and neither were for more than a few weeks, shows that I am certainly not a womaniser.

I didn’t know how to react on the majority of occasions, sometimes I tried to laugh it off, others I couldn’t hide that I was pissed off…..and I am not good at hiding that I am pissed off.

But anyway, the intake of alcohol makes everyone a bit more rowdy that usual, with Billy being particularly badly effected….but again, more on that later.

After three and a half hours, which includes a 20 minute break, we finally get to the ground. Ebbsfleet is a bit of a shithole and it’s hard to find somewhere with a good view.



Ebbsfleet's shithole of a stadium - Blue Square Premier football.....isn't it glamourous?



Then another bizarre moment. I’m stood there minding my own business (with several renditions of the first of the chants from above in between) and all of a sudden a woman called Wendy Best comes up to me and the following confirmation commences….

Wendy : “Did you meet up with Tristan?”

Myself (looking puzzled) : “Tristan?”

Wendy : “Yeah, you met up with him at Hayes and Yeading.”

Myself (desperately trying to figure out if I know someone called Tristan) : “I don’t know anyone called Tristan”

Wendy : “Yes you do, he works in the job centre.”

By this point I have absolutely no idea who she’s referring to and I just had a “What the fuck are you talking about?” sort of look on my face. Soon after she gives up……10 hours later and I still have precisely no idea who she is talking about.

The match finally starts soon afterwards and for those who haven’t been to Ebbsfleet, it’s not segregated, meaning all the fans are shouting banter at each whilst stood amongst each other, it’s quite strange. Lincoln went on to win 3-2 but could have easily scored 7 or 8, but poor finishing meant that we would score “just” three. I’m not going to write a match report, so here’s the official report - http://www.redimps.co.uk/page/MatchReport/0,,10440~60485,00.html

The chants about myself continue throughout the match, even when I move to another stand.

Billy Jarish - Remember Ghandi.

After the game finishes we all get back on the coach and it doesn’t take long before the alcohol takes it’s toll on those around me. Jack Mulhall even attempts to fall asleep on me, and Billy Jarish falls over on several occasions, and on one occasion people start pouring beer into his mouth….to which is replies…..”Remember Ghandi,”…….not sure if it was a question or a statement, but either way it was a bizarre response.

Billy continues to get worse throughout the trip and the strange thing is that he is normally really reserved.

More chants.

The coach finally gets back to Lincoln and the season is then officially over. It’ll be 13/14 weeks before I most of these people again, but if next season’s away games are as unusual as this one then it’ll be an interesting season.

To be honest I am glad this season is over and that I don't have to worry about it for another few months. I can now go through the summer and go to Sincil Bank in August as a new person, or at least on my way to becoming a new person, which will be interesting in itself.

But anyway, until next season this will be the last time I mention football in this blog for a while.