I have actually managed to surprise myself

It takes a lot to surprise me these days, especially my own reactions to things, but last night that all changed.

I have a history of not taking negatives said about me well, especially from friends, and even more especially from people who I consider to be my best friends. I tend to go into a mental pit of self-pity for a few hours/days and even years later that sort of stuff drives me crazy......but not this time.

I was discussing something with a great friend who I haven't really spoken to much in the last few weeks for various reasons........well, I'll reword that, I've sent this person communications on a regular basis but didn't get a response....which prompted more one-way communications being sent. This friend stated that was one of the reasons that they don't always respond, they feel like I am, to use their word, "bombarding" them with messages.

Now normally I would have probably gone into the aforementioned pit, but I was surprised by my reaction. I just accepted it and reacted in a positive way. I've always had issues with controlling my enthusiasm for communicating with people once I've started to really like them and I think that was one of the main reasons that my friendship with Marinda started coming to an end. I was probably one step shy of being a stalker with Marinda, I was completely in love with her, I've never loved someone that intensely and I can fully see why it had a negative impact on our friendship.....and that's the first time I have probably admitted to myself that it was my fault that that friendship effectively ended.

Seriously, you have no idea what I became like with Marinda, I can't even put it into words. I think saying "one step shy of being a stalker" doesn't even do it justice. At one point I even contemplated getting on a train (I wasn't driving at the time) to see her without even telling her. Looking back on the friendship, I can see that it was me that drove her away and all the lies that she told me (or at least what I believe were lies) were for a good reason.

I'm determined for it not to happen with another friend, a friend who I care about, so instead of doing my thing of going into the pit, I am going to act on what this friend said to me and react in a positive way. I am not going to have a repeat of the past, I am not going turn into the person I was when I was Marinda was in my life.

From this day on you are going to see a different me. No more paranoia, no more pressurising, no more being the dick I have been for the last ten years.