I have occasionally hinted in this blog that I, every once in a while, go to watch live music. Whilst I don't object to going to see your favourite music acts, I'm starting to realise that it's just not worth it that much, at least not for me.
I've been to seven concerts, at least those that I can recall, and I can only truly say I have enjoy less than half of those....and two of those were for the same band. I suppose one reason that I don't like going around other people, and more often that not I just stand on my own somewhere. I'm going to go through the seven I have been to and what I thought was good and bad about it, which highlights some of the good and bad points of going to live performances. I will also give you five "rules" of going to watch live music.
One thing I will say for all of these groups is that they ALL performed their songs live, something which you would rarely get with so called more "popular" acts.
All American Rejects - October 2009
The first concert I can remember going to was to see the All American Rejects at Rock City in Nottingham. I had been invited by friends whom I had worked with at Showcase Cinema and it came just a month after I had stopped working there, so it was good for a quick catch up. Upon arriving at Rock City, just three or four minutes before the whole show was due to start, it was quite packed but the group somehow managed to get separated and I ended up on my own at the back. Standing at the back, even in a small venue, isn't great because people moving right in front of you means you often struggle to see.
After a reasonable support act (who I can't even remember), the AAR were on the stage and their first four songs were all of my favourite songs.....the only problem being that they were the only songs I knew, meaning that the rest of the song, whilst not bad, saw me just stood there. I eventually left with a few minutes to go, but it was still a half decent show.
RULE 1 : IF YOU ARE GOING TO GO TO WATCH AN ARTIST, AT LEAST TRY AND KNOW MORE THAN A SMALL HANDFUL OF THEIR SONGS
Rammstein - February 2010
I had always been a fan of Rammstein since first hearing them on the soundtrack for Mortal Kombat Annihilation in the late 90s and when they announced that they were going to play in Birmingham then I jumped at the chance.
After a day spent in Birmingham, I eventually headed to the arena and after a long wait, we eventually got into the arena. About 3 hours after entering the arena and with only one support act (who themselves came onto the stage a full 90 minutes after the doors opened), Rammstein finally took the to the stage. Due to their late arrival, and the fact I had time constraints due to being on the train, I only actually got to watch about an hour of their two hour concert, and I wasn't the only one who had this problem as a lot of people left at around the same time.
Whilst it was awesome seeing one of my favourite bands, I was slightly annoyed that they took so long to get onto the stage.
RULE 2 : NEVER JUST EXPECT A CONCERT TO FINISH AT A CERTAIN TIME, IT RARELY DOES. Canterbury - November 2010
In 2010 I got REALLY into a band called Canterbury and couldn't get enough of their song "Gloria" and when I saw that they were playing at Sheffield (the nearest that they came to where I was living at the time), it became an inevitability that I would go. I booked a hotel nearby and my room had a delightful view of a multi-story car park.
Onto the concert itself and I struggled to find the entrance to the venue at first, only really figuring out when I noticed a girl just sat about randomly. I sat speaking with her for a while and her dad eventually came and gave us a cup of tea each....I thanked him but didn't have the heart to tell him I don't drink tea (he just gave me a tea, didn't even ask if I wanted one).
Anyway, onto the gig and being second in the line, I got the chance to stand pretty much where I wanted....where I stood was right at the front, even leaning on the stage because there was no barrier separating the fans from the stage. Whilst this provided a decent view (although a bit of a strained neck), because I was right next to the speakers (which were on the stage) my ears were aching for days...it was worth it though.
To this day Canterbury are still probably my favourite band, they were also the first band I saw live twice and I did struggle to think of a rule, but....... RULE 3 : DON'T STAND RIGHT AT THE FRONT AT A CONCERT WHEN RIGHT AT THE FRONT MEANS YOU'RE ONLY ABOUT 50 CENTIMETERS FROM THE FEET. Bowling for Soup - November 2011
Growing up I had plenty of bands that I loved but one of the main ones was Bowling For Soup, who were known for their rather immature songs, and admittedly when I went to the concert I hadn't actively listened to them in years. The thing about getting older is that you stop finding things funny that you found funny when you were younger.
During the set of one of the support bands I also got hit in the eye with a drumstick, which put a bit of a downer on the thing straight away, and it didn't really improve as I was listening to songs from Bowling For Soup that I used to love, and whilst not awful, they certainly weren't great, or at least not as great as I had remembered.
Because I loved them growing up, I will always have a soft spot for Bowling For Soup, but I wasn't listening to them regularly before this concert....and I haven't listened to them regularly since. RULE 4 : JUST BECAUSE YOU LIKED THEM WHY YOU WERE YOUNGER, DON'T JUST ASSUME YOU WILL LIKE THEM WHEN YOU'RE OLDER. Canterbury - February 2012
Oh yes, it's Canterbury again and you know what my only complaint about this concert was, it was photographs. I had gone to the concert with my friend Charlie and her boyfriend at the time. Afterwards Canterbury were in the foyer signing autographs, mingling, taking pictures etc, and I jumped at the chance and got pictures with Scott Peters (drummer), Mike Sparks (joint lead singer) and Luke Prebble (joint lead singer) and all was good at the time....that was until I looked at the pictures later and the picture of me, Charlie's boyfriend and Luke wasn't really a picture, more just a fine example of blurriness...so instead I will share with you the picture with Scott (please note this picture was before I started to become Kate).
Again, I loved the gig, and I would seriously recommend Canterbury, they are four of the nicest guys you could ever hope to meet.....but the rule.....
RULE 5 : IF YOU WANT PICTURES WITH YOUR FAVOURITE BAND MEMBERS, MAKE SURE BEFORE WALKING OFF THAT THE PICTURE ISN'T BLURRY Blink 182 - July 2012
This was a brilliant night, a night I can't even put into words. I loved Blink 182 when they were immature but I grew to love them even more when their songs gained a far more serious tone. When I saw that they were coming to England I didn't even hesitate getting tickets for their gig, especially as I thought I had missed the chance when the split up several years ago.
They had All American Rejects as their support act, which is always a very good thing, and finally gave me a chance to watch their set properly, and heard my favourite songs again.
It was an unbelievable concert and unlike all the other concerts I had been to (with the exception of Canterbury) I knew every single one of their songs, so I was able to sing along and I had a great view of the action (as you can tell from the above video), and you'd think that I wouldn't even have a rule based on that, but unfortunately I made the mistake of planning to walk home.
I had moved to Newark and decided to walk the 15 or so miles back after the concert so hadn't booked a hotel or left in time to get any method of transport, so in other words, if I was to get home and not spent any money I had to walk really. I got a grand hotel of a mile from the arena before I realised that I really couldn't be bothered, so I ended up walking back into Nottingham and trying to find a hotel. Only one hotel had a room and it was the Jurys Inn.....they wanted £70 for the night. I had no intention of paying that so started to wait for a train....the next train was five hours into the future....I got bored after 20 minutes so phoned a taxi and got home on the same night.
The real annoyance is that had I left the concert a mere five minutes earlier then I would have been able to get the final train home. Oh well.
RULE 6 : PLAN TRAVEL/HOTELS PROPERLY Yellowcard - March 2013
Rule 1 certainly applied here. I went to the Yellowcard concert on a bit of a whim. I hadn't heard anything from them for years and then stumbled across "Hang You Up", loved it, and then noticed they were a few weeks away from a UK tour, so I got tickets for their Manchester concert.
After travelling across and a three hour spell that was filled by talking to two girls, I got in and got a seat right at the top of the room on a comfy couch. I REALLY enjoyed the support act (Set It Off) but I didn't really think much to set it off.
Even now I still only know three Yellowcard songs (Ocean Avenue, Sing to Me and Hang You Up) and they only actually sang two of those. I was sat there bored for most of the time, but as I had a train booked I couldn't just leave early.
Luckily they finished early enough to allow me to easily make the train and to go to the local shop to get some food, but much like Rule 1...... RULE 7 : DON'T GO JUST ON A WHIM, GENERALLY ONLY GO TO SEE BANDS YOU'VE HAD A LONG TERM INTEREST IN AND NOT JUST A FEW WEEKS.
I figure that I haven't done many updates recently so I will give you an update on my life, oh yes, thrilling stuff indeed.
Firstly, I'm going to share a song that I have found recently that I love. It's called Dream Catcher by a band called Set It Off. It's about achieving what you want in live (more on that later). You only have one life (I'm going to say that stupid chavtastic phrase) and this song is all about that.
Well the biggest change in my life recently is that I have new housemates. Dan, Andrew and Jim all moved out in the last month and for about a week I was completely on my own in the house, it was quite strange. Then last Saturday I came home to find two new housemates waiting for me, Natalie and Amaury. Natalie is a girl from the Manchester area and Amaury is from France, and although things are relatively early, I actually quite like them. I had an in depth conversation with Natalie a few nights ago and other than the fact she likes the Samsung Galaxy Note, she seems reasonably sane. Both are a definite improvement on Dan.
Another thing I have become involved in recent is Vodafone's new drive to promote an LGBT network within the company. It is really strange to become involved in something like that because I have often struggled to connect with other members of the trans community. I am a member of a trans group called Chameleons on the outskirts of Nottingham but have only really developed a friendship with one of them, but other than that one person the only thing I have in common with any of them is that we are all on the LGBT spectrum somewhere.
Anyway, I recently went for a night out in London with the Vodafone LGBT community and it was strange because whilst not strictly different from Chameleons, I felt like I belonged. It didn't just feel like 15-20 random people in the same room, I had a lot in common with these people. It was helped by my friend Catherine going with me (and she ended up staying a lot longer than I did), but it was nice just to have a real connection with people. For the first time in a while I was proud to be part of the LGBT community, something I haven't felt for some time.
IN THIS NEXT BIT I TALK ABOUT PHYSICAL CHANGES, AVOID UNTIL THE NEXT BOLD BIT IF YOU DON'T WANT TO READ ABOUT THIS STUFF
As for body changes, things are proving a bit unusual in several senses.
My body has started to develop breasts, however, they are far from consistent in their appearance. Some days they will barely be there at all, but then on other days they are right there sticking out. It's awesome to see them coming through, but it would be nice if they were always there when I looked in the mirror, rather than sporadic appearances here and there.
I have noticed that my skin is certainly getting a lot smoother as well, and my hair is growing noticeable faster than it was before. Body hair is starting to become a bit patchy. I was never overly hairy but it was still there, and whilst I keep shaving and it comes back, some of it has now stopped coming back and it's well on the way to stop growing on my torso alltogether.
OK, YOU'RE SAFE AGAIN
Away from new housemates and being transgender to my long term plans. I have started taking steps to relocate. I can't go into it too much just yet but in the near future things might start moving on. I don't want to jinx it because I have a habit of getting too excited about things, but things are looking up in many ways. I think I just need a new start in a new area, a place where I don't know anything and no-one knows me. Whilst I make it seem like nothing bothers me, it bugs me to tell when people call me Nathan, even though Nathan hasn't been my name for some time now. Fortunately the people who I've only known for a few months have no choice but to call me Kate because they have never been known as Nathan, and moving to a new area where no-one knows that my name used to be Nathan will be very good.
Hopefully moving to a new area will also help me start to achieve some personal goals of being able to process in various aspects my life. I just feel stale at the moment and I feel like the menu on a DVD, constantly looping over and over again until someone presses play or off.
These have been thoughts that have dominated by life for some time and they're not helped by the Red Bull adverts that I keep seeing. These adverts are of people doing what they love and they keep making me feel like I have wasted my life. I want to do something I can get passionate about, and hopefully going to a brand new area will afford me that opportunity.
Life took an interesting twist over the last few days. I have made no secret of my desire to live in another country/a different area of the country at some point in my life but this week two unexpected twists happened.
The first came at work and whilst I can't go properly into it, I did considerably better that I was expecting to do at something. Again, I know that sounds quite cryptic but trust me, it was a very good thing and previously I had actively looking elsewhere.
Then came Friday morning. I had been warned by my letting agent that the landlady was going to be doing an inspection....what it actually turns out is that the house I am renting out has been put up for sale by the landlady.....it's nice to be told these things, isn't it? I'm told that it won't be sold until June at the earliest, and even after that I will be given two months notice. I have been assured by the rental agency that my tenancy is secure for the length of the contract, even if the property is sold.....but even then it's a less than ideal situation......especially as the property is very convenient. It's all bills inclusive and is slap bang in the middle of both of my jobs.
I also get new people to share the house with soon, Casey, whom I work with at Lord Ted, is moving in next week, but before then I get two girls moving in tomorrow, Amaury and Natalie, it will certainly be interesting to live with new people, and they can't be any worse than what Dan was.....famous last words.
Due to several people requesting it, I have decided to write a blog about how life is treating me.
Well I suppose I should start with the obvious major part of my life at the moment and that's changing gender. It's March 4th and today marks three months since I started on hormones. It's been an interesting few months with various changes going on already. Whilst I won't claim to have changes that people can notice, there are one or two things that have started. Breasts are starting to come through but strangely their size seems to be affected by the temperature. If it's normal room temperature then you can see a difference and a definite early breast formation, if it's cold then it seems to disappear, it's quite strange in many ways.
Me as I appear after three months on hormones
There have been minor other changes as well. My hair is now growing at a much faster rate and body hair certainly seems to have lowered, with bits I shave off not coming back in as much quantity as before. I have also had more facial hair removed, well, I'll reclarify that, I had the upper lip area redone. I was advised after the first time that some of the hair would grow back....and about 1/4 of it did, I subsequently had that removed, although after the previous attempt left me in tears (literally) due to going pain free, I definitely took the injections this time....it made things a lot easier to say the least.
Other than that things are pretty much the same with changing gender. It's a long process and I'm still at the start so major change at the moment isn't to be expected really.
Away from changing gender and I'm still looking for something I can be passionate about, you know, that thing that I want to do for the rest of my life. I'm 28 and still don't know what I want to do, some say that's a good thing, other's say it's a bad thing. I think the below quote sums it up at the moment......
"I want to wake up every morning with apassion; I want to wake up with a smile on my face; and be able to say I love what I do" - Paul Miser
I think once I am doing changing gender that I might take a year out from everything and go and see the world. I want to expand my horizons whilst I'm still young and I can't do that staying in England. It will all start in less than 3 months when I go to Barcelona for a few days, and are plenty of places that I want to have on my "visited" list in the coming years, that list still includes Tromso (Norway) and I intend to visit there within the next 12 months or so.
Speaking of other places, I recently went to a Yellowcard concert in Manchester and whilst I didn't enjoy it, I did actually meet two new friends outside of the venue, Martha and Elizabeth. It was a really strange experience talking to those girls as they said that they live on the outskirts of Manchester but were staying in a hotel for the night. It was just part of a three hour spell talking to them where they kept hitting each other, encouraging each other go and get food and numerous other things, it was quite amusing and definitely helped to pass the time.
Their friendship got me thinking though. I started thinking that it would be nice to be able to go to places, such as concerts, with a friend. Since I moved to Newark eleven months ago, I have failed to make a single friend that wasn't involved with either of my employees. I don't view colleagues as true friends, and I don't mean that in a harsh way, and to use another quote..... "The people you work with are people you were just throw together with. You know, you don't know them, it wasn't your choice, and yet you spend more time with them then you do your friends or your family. But probably all you've got in common is the fact that you walk around on the same bit of carpet for 8 hours a day" - Tim (The Office) .....I look at all of the people I work with, and have worked with throughout time, and there are probably two people that I have met through work that I hang out with when I'm not at work on a semi regular basis, Charlie and Ellen, who are arguably my two closest friends....neither of them live anywhere near Newark. Don't get me wrong, I have a lot of friends who I have worked with, but how many I hang out with on a regular basis is not a high number at all. I guess what I'm trying to say is that I want a friend who I can just hang out with on a regular basis, someone who I can go to concerts with, hang out and play pool with, and so on.
I suppose it links in with a film I saw recently called "Seeking A Friend For the End of the World." It just got me thinking about friends and if a situation happened of a similar nature, how many people would want to hang out with me at some point? I came to the conclusion that the answer would be "not many, if any"....not that it bothers me to an extent, but as I say it'd just be nice to have someone who I could see on a regular basis that I have a lot in common with.
I did contemplate moving to Leeds recently so that I could see Ellen or Charlie on a more regular basis, which would be awesome, and you never know, maybe that's a change I need in life. The happiest time of my life was when I was able to mix work and social life. It was the only time when I can say that I was truly socialable every single day.
Oh well, I suppose I should leave this there and let you get on with the rest of your evening, so until next time, peace out.
If you do this to certain people, they will turn into a whiny, little bitch.
I want to talk about something that bugs me, it's people who seem to spend their lives in Facebook (and other such websites) and act as if it's the ball all and end all of life. There are people that I know who seem to think that Facebook, and to be more precise, how you interact with them on there, is the basis of everything between you as fiends/contacts, it's not only sad, it's kind of pathetic.
I'm going to share an example of this from a few years ago. It's mid-2011 and I develop an interest in something that basically makes me re-assess many areas of my life, and I decided at that time that I would spend considerably less time on Facebook and that I would only keep people on there who I didn't see on a regular basis. Over the course of a few nights I dwindled the friends list from 550 down to 136, I got rid of people who I worked with, people who I saw at football, etc. Then the trouble started.
Whilst of the over 400 didn't react (either by not noticing, not caring, or appreciating my reasons), there were a few who decided to take an issue with it. I specifically stated that it was nothing personal and restated my reasons.....but they reacted in a typical immature response that a 5 year old would be embarrassed by.
Recently I removed another group and some have produced the exact same immature reaction, and you know what? I'm done with it. Life isn't a popularity contest people, and those who think that it is are mistaken. Those who take what happened on Facebook, Twitter, etc, so seriously are so fucking pathetic. What is the point in getting so upset that someone removes from Facebook? Seriously? I explain why and they just act like I'm slapped them with a wet fish. I'm done with those people.
There is a proverbial fine line between genius and insanity and I often treat that line like a tight rope, today I very much walked that tight rope and fell right on the side of insanity.
As part of changing gender, I obviously have to my facial hair removed, and my first appointment went quite well several weeks ago, with no pain felt whatsoever. I was warned that they had only done the areas that weren't overly sensitive and my upper lip would hurt considerably more than the rest of my face had, depsite that warning I decided to go pain-free for the removal of the hair above my lip, or as it's otherwise known, what would otherwise be the moustache.
All goes well at first, I have the same slight tingling sensation I got the first time around, but it's nothing to worry about.....and the injections starting getting quite close to my lip and nasal area, it's at this point that I realise that I have made a mistake, but it's too late by now and I have to lay there constantly getting the injections and hairs pulled out. My eyes were watering quite heftily by the end, that's for sure, not helped by the fact I have an over abundantly bright light shining straight in my face.. Just over an hour later and my lip has now swollen to the point where I look like a duck.
It is yet another fine example of me breaching that line by quite some way, and it's a trend throughout my life that I have. I will often take risks to try and achieve things, sometimes it works, more often that not it fails, but I think I'm better for taking those risks.....I know one thing for sure, I'm glad that I have no more facial hair above my lip to remove.
I must say I am in a good mood today because the reunion of my class from secondary school finally seems to be coming together. The majority won't have seen each other since we all finished our final year at North Kesteven School and we all went out separate ways, either to sixth form, college, or straight into employment, so it will be good to catch up with people whom I haven't spoken to since school.
I've kept in contact with a few of my old classmates since leaving North Kesteven to go to college. One or two I have worked with, one I went to college with and others who I have just kept in general contact with, including Jenna Adams, who I have known since the age of four, my longest serving friend. There are one or two who, at the time, I would have happily never seen again, but time seems to be a good healer and I am looking forward to seeing those whom I haven't seen for some time.
My class photo, taken in 1997. I am on the top row, third one in with the horrendous mop head.
To be honest, I did enjoy my time at North Kesteven, but I had long decided to go to college rather than stay on in sixth form, and it turned out to be the right decision as in the final few weeks of school, several people throughout the year starting finding out that I had the intention of changing sex. It seems almost ironic in a way that I left because of that reason, but I'm only started the transition of becoming female just a few months before a planned reunion.
I am really curious to see how people have changed in the 12 years since school ended. How have tastes in music changed? Has fashion sense changed? Do people look back on what they were obsessed with in those days and regret it?
The people who I have kept in contact with have changed quite a bit in the time since, and I have as well on so many levels (and I'm not just referring to the obvious change of gender). I was largely a nerd during my school years, although towards the end I did at least try to fit in....whereas these days I don't give a shit if I fit in. I am beyond popularity contests and that has helped be change from being an introvert to being very, very extroverted, even to the point of being offensive on occasions :P.
Anyway, yeah, it will be god to see some old friends for the first time since then, especially those I've known from a young age. Out of everyone in that picture, I've known five of them since before I was 10, although the aforementioned Jenna is the only one I kept in contact with.
Oh well, I suppose I should go to bed now as it's approaching 1am, so until next time, peace out.
At the end of every year I look back at the previous twelve months of my life and reflect on some of the major incidents, and now it's that time. In this article you will see some very familiar subjects, and quite early on is dominated by one of the people I have talked about most on this blog, Jodi. To put Jodi into context. she was one of my best friends of the last ten or so years, despite that we rarely spoke, but then in August 2011 we got talking on a very regular basis and I thought we were close friends at the turn of the year.
It's been a year where life goals suddenly started happening, there were ups and downs and all in all, it was probably one of the most memorable years to date for numerous reasons.
At the end of each month I am going to include a song I heard for the first time that month that I love.
January
I started the New Year with a goal, to lose a lot of weight. I had ballooned up to nearly 19 stone by the start of the year and pictures from a weekend in Leeds convinced me it was time, plus Jodi was going on a diet of her own too, meaning we were helping each other in a way. To say I lost a lot of weight quickly would be an understatement. Within two weeks I had lost a stone (14 pounds) and by the end of February I was down at 16 stone, a total weight loss of three stone in two months, I had changed my diet and exercise routine to include biking to work (up to 1 hr 15 minutes a day of constant riding), eating healthier food, and so on, and it worked.
How I looked at the beginning of the year It's safe to say I've changed quite a bit since this picture was taken.
It was around this time that I also realised I had fallen in love with Jodi, and I told her this. At this point Jodi was a key part of my life, we had been friends for a long time (ten or so years) but five/six months of regular talking had made me realise how much I cared for her. She let me down nicely, but to be fair I don't even know what I was expecting to happen as she lives in Canada. Although things seemed normal at first, I think that was the beginning of the end, but more of that later.
At this point I am also really struggling for motivation in a lot of aspects of the rest of my life. I had become pretty set on moving to either Canada or America and I became pretty dry in terms of personality in the other aspects of my life. I still went to watch football but wasn't overly bothered by results anymore......even when we lost 3-1 to Carshalton, a team three divisions below us, I wasn't particularly upset. I was just stood there, 3-0 down to a side who we should have walked all over, and I couldn't have really given much less of a fuck if I had tried.
I was offered a job in America at one point during January but I turned it down as it would have been a case where I would have been no better off financially, and if there's one thing I'm not going to do, it's fuck myself over financially.....at least not on purpose anyway.
February The way that February started was a false dawn as it turned out to be a horrible month.
Me (as Nathan) with Mike Sparks, joint-lead singer of Canterbury
It started with me going to watch my favourite band (Canterbury) in Leeds. Afterwards, whilst me and my friends were talking, I got to meet three of the four members of the band, and it was just a great experience to meet people who you really respect as artists and people. They are all down to earth as well, so it was a pleasure to spend an evening not only watching my favourite band, but also meeting them.
A few days later and I'm in Nottingham to watch Steve Hughes, one of my favourite comedians. Unfortunately it's all old material so I'm just sat there not really finding it funny because I've heard each joke about 15 times before, and jokes very quickly lose their value if you've heard them too many times before. The drive back was interesting as it was in the middle of England's little snow storm. It was quite bizarre seeing a line of cars driving back down the dual carriageway of the A46 without any of them trying to overtake another one. Quite bizarre indeed.
The next morning I'm having a conversation with Jodi about something pretty pointless before she then exits the conversation without even saying goodbye. Little did I know that would be the last time we would have a conversation as friends.
A few days later came a major turning point in my year as I woke up on Monday morning, saw a conversation on Facebook between Jodi and her mum on Facebook that made me chuckle, I commented and Nolan, one of Jodi's friends, then just starts hurling abuse at me and makes it sound like Jodi agrees with what he is saying but hasn't got the guts to tell me. I ignore it at first but it eats away at me and try to get Jodi to tell me what's going on. After four days of no answers I am feeling pretty shitty, I've tried asking her how she actually feels and she only makes the situation worse by not saying anything. She could have easily said something pretty soon afterwards, but she didn't, and it was at that point I started seriously questioning the friendship.
I hit a slump at that moment and over the course of several weeks I really struggled for a while.
Away from Jodi related issues and things are pretty quiet overall, not a lot is really happening, which was probably a good thing given that I wasn't exactly having a great time.
March After almost a month of feeling like she had treated me like shit by not responding to my message asking for a proper conversation so we can sort our issues out, I remove Jodi as a friend from Facebook......but not before letting rip about what a shit friend she had been in the previous weeks. It's amazing how friendships take years and years to build, but then someone's actions, or in this case lack of actions, ruins everything. I may have used one or two choice words that probably shouldn't have said, but fuck it, the friendship was over as far as I was concerned.....and the funny thing was that it was only at that moment that she showed her true colours and proved what I had thought about her for some time, that was two-faced. She had spent time telling me about her private conversations with her other friends and she obviously did the same to me.
Although at first I was a little sad to lose her as a friend, even though I had been pretty pissed off with her. Infact, thinking about it, it wasn't losing her as a friend that really upset me, it was that I found her life kind of interesting in a way, she had a lot of interesting people in her life that she would tell me about and I think it was just weird that I wouldn't get the updates on someone else's life that I didn't know, it's kind of strange in that way. However, within days I quickly realised that I was so much better off without her in my life, especially when someone who is a mutual friend points out to me that she has been posting shit about me on Twitter, and the funniest thing about it was that not a single bit of what she was saying was true. It was fucking funny in one sense that in her trying to disprove what I had said about her being a shit friend, she proved what type of person she was, but you know what, fuck it.
I decide to move on with various aspects of my life. Suddenly all desire to go to Canada or America disappears, but I still need to move to a new chapter in my life and it was at this time that I decided it was time to start the sex change that I had wanted for years. It was something I had always wanted to do but never thought I would actually come around to doing, and in what was a quiet month other than the Jodi thing, I started preparing for starting to become a woman.
Being female is something I have always wanted to do, I don't know why and I don't know when I realised, it's just something that I have always known. I had always been putting it off for whatever reason, but what had happened with Jodi had convinced me that it was time. It made me realise I had been focusing on others far too much and not looking after my own interests. I did it with Faye, Maz and then Jodi, it was becoming an unwelcome common theme, so I decided to move on and start my life's goal.
April I am slowly preparing for life as a woman. I've finally settled on my new name, Kate, and I tell my manager at work what is happening. Throughout the entire process to date she has been fantastic regarding the change and I can't fault her at all with it. Although I'll get onto it more later, I probably wouldn't have been able to do it as easily without her.
The first flat in Nottingham. I liked it, although it would turn out that I wouldn't be there for long
To become female and move on to the next stage in my life, I needed to move from Lincoln and decided to uproot and move to be closer to work in Newark. I take the first flat I see and it's right in the town centre with a view of a park, not bad, not bad at all really. It took a while to get used to living in Newark and completely on my own. I had never been completely on my own before, so that was a bit strange. I found that I was talking to myself quite a bit, not in a psychotic sort of way, just talking my way through things, such as what I was going to do the next day. It's hard to explain really.
Even now I'm still not entirely sure if I even like Newark. It's niceish, don't get me wrong, but it's just a small town with not a lot to do unfortunately. It's not a bad place to live and not nearly as rough as I was expecting, but I don't know, it just lacks that something that makes it feel like an actual home.
I gained a friendship back again with a woman called Beata. Our friendship had ended in the previous September in bizarre circumstances, but thankfully we put that behind us and moved on and although we don't talk that often anymore, I still consider her a good friend and it would be good to see her again one day :)
Other than that everything is a bit quiet really, it's kind of strange that your life goes a bit quiet but only when you're anticipating the biggest moment of your life.....
May May was a bit of a nothing month for the most part as I started adapting to life in Newark and became quite familiar with the Atrium bar as I would spend a lot of free time in there watching football, eating their nice food, etc. I don't drink for those who don't know me, so don't assume I was in there drinking away. I'm not actually spending a lot of time at my flat, but meh.
The Lord Ted
I soon start looking for another job to supplement wages from my day job, just to help out with rent, bills, etc, and I apply to various places, including the Lord Ted pub on the outskirts of Newark. After several interviews and a trial shift, I am taken on as a member of the bar staff. It took a while for me to adapt and as I don't drink, I often got things that most people who do drink wouldn't, such as not knowing the different between a lager and a bitter.
Despite my struggles at first, I make some good friends but pretty soon I start to get frustrated with a colleague called Connor (not the one who works there now). Connor was one of the worst people I have ever worked with. He knew his stuff, I'm not debating that part at all, but he was just such a lazy fucker. He wouldn't really do anything and would often just spend time talking to his friends who would come to the bar. Towards the end of the month the European Championships in football started, and he was often walking off of the bar, even when we were busy, to watch the football. It became highly frustrating. He got sacked several months later.....I was not sad.
Away from the Lord Ted came a rather embarrassing moment. I am preparing for life as female and am starting to do "girly" things such as shaving my legs, then I try veet and it works fantastically.....so I decide to try it on my face.......I discovered one thing that night....I have a very sensitive face. It got my facial hair off without any trouble whatsoever, it also got rid of some skin and left a lot of red marks on my face for several weeks. It looked like I had a case of very bad acne.
Other than that it was a pretty quiet month really.
June June was a month dominated by the early stages of becoming Kate to the rest of the world, but it all started on board of a boat. One of my colleagues at work organised a party on a boat for the department and it was an excellent night. It's surprisingly peaceful when it's summer, you're going down a calm river on a boat and in the background all you can hear is "You've Got to Fight for Your Right (to Party)" by the Beastie Boys in the background. Out of all the social events I spent with people from work during the year, this was my favourite.
Later on in the month I told my manager at my day job about my plans to come in at the beginning of the following month as a woman for the first time. By this time we had known each other for about 18 months, so you can probably appreciate how surprised she was, but it all worked out very well and she was awesome throughout the whole period.
Towards the end of the month people at work are starting to get told about what is happening and as you can imagine, I got quite a few differing reactions, but none were negative and that’s always good.
I also join a trans group on the outskirts of Nottingham called “Chameleons”, a social gathering for all members of the spectrum. The first meeting was also the first time that my half-sister (Sarah) saw me as Kate, and it was also the first time I had seen her in a few years, so it was a special moment in many ways. I think she enjoyed the evening more than I did to be honest, I am always nervous about new people and that night was no exception, especially as I was nervous as I had never been Kate outside of my home before.
It took a while to get ready but when I finally got ready I walked downstairs to then see about 20 people just sat there staring at me. I am terrified to say the least, however, the night progresses and I soon find myself getting comfortable with the surroundings, although I think Sarah is enjoying it far more than I am, although amusing everyone thinks that me and her are a couple, not noticing that we look reasonably similar. It wasn’t until later than people realised that we were related.
Despite a mixed first night, I decided to go on a regular basis, although it doesn’t work out that way. Other than the group leader (Lynn), I don’t make a connection with any of the people in the group. To date I have only been to three of the bi-weekly meetings, the last of which was the day after my birthday in September. It’s not that I don’t like socialising with other trans people, I just find it difficult to properly connect with people in general, and strangely, despite being one, I find it very hard to connect with members of the trans community. I think if I still had a car then I would go on a more regular basis, but one night in July was the time that I decided that I couldn’t attend regularly, but more on that in a bit.
One of the last pictures ever taken of me as Nathan, seems an age ago now. Taken in June.
An evening with Sarah loosely leads me into arguably one of the major points of my year. For those who don’t know me, or don’t know me well, I am adopted, and at the end of the month I was sent a letter from my mother, as in my original one, Janice. I really don’t know how to process it if I’m honest, I had never had an intention of ever getting in contact with her and could have happily lived out my life without ever having any communications from her.
Sarah was very different though. Sarah and Janice got on very well and saw each other on a regular basis, and early on in the letters it was obvious that Janice was very keen to meet up. I wasn’t keen on it then and in all honesty, I’m still largely disinterested now, however, times change and you never know, when I write one of these at the end of next year then it could all be very different and we could be very good friends. I know one thing though, I am only ever going to refer to her as Janice, because despite her being my mother biologically, the woman who raised me (Sue Jackson) is the woman I consider to be my mother.
Throughout the month I also have some difficulties with a girl called Michelle. When I saw difficulties, I don’t mean as in difficulties like the ones I had with Jodi, no, the difficulties I had with Michelle was that she wasn’t reliable. On consecutive Saturday afternoons I was supposed to go shopping with her, but on both occasions she doesn’t show up and I get, for lack of a better word, quite angry with her, although things do quickly go back to what they were and we become decent enough friends throughout the year.
Towards the end of the month is her birthday and she invites me on a night out with all of her friends to celebrate. Michelle turned 18, and all the other people there were still in their teens as far as I am aware, so at 27 (at the time) I was by far the oldest. There was even a moment before we left for the night out when one of her friends (Amy) refused to believe I was 27 until I showed her my driving licence. The first thing she says after that is “Wow, you’re almost 30!” ……yeah, thanks for that, Amy :P.
July
So, July 2nd came around and fell on a Monday morning. It was the first day I would be openly transgendered to the world and living as a woman. I wake up at 6am but life is made very difficult by the fact that I had gained a bad injury to my hand the day before, meaning it takes nearly an hour simply to get dressed, put my make up on in a very dodgy way, and put my even dodgier wig on.
That first walk to work as Kate was easily the most nerve-wracking experience of my life to date. It’s only a 20-25 minute walk to work, but I am terrified, there’s not even anyone about. I feel strange for the entire day, even not wanting to go to the canteen as I sit at the exact opposite end of the building to where it was located, it would mean having to go through everyone. Fortunately Amy (not the one from the previous month), who sits opposite me, helps me through my fears and I can eventually enjoy my first Pepsi Max of the day.
Of course, as only my department have been told, I get quite a lot of strange looks and a lot of people asking questions, it was very strange indeed, but no-one gave me abuse so it was all good. Throughout the week I get random people coming up to me at work saying that they had read my blog and praising me, it was all very surreal given that I am still quite an introvert.
By the end of the week I am not really having any difficulties at Vodafone, but the first time I turn up at the part time job doesn’t go well, and for the first few weeks I am forced to return to dressing in a male fashion, and even though I had only been living as female for four/five days at this point, it felt very weird returning to being male, even if only for a few hours at a time. Fortunately it doesn’t last long as they eventually allowed me to be Kate there.
Soon my initial fears of being out in public as Kate disappear and I attend a concert in Nottingham watching Blink 182....the below is my video from the night.
Meanwhile, a few days afterwards, I need to tell my parents. After 27 years I still hadn’t figured out how to do it, so I just decide to just write them a letter and tell them that way. I think it’s safe to say that they are still relatively struggling to deal with it, although it’s understandable.
In what was a memorable month in many ways, the revelation that I wanted to change gender all of a sudden sparked texts and Facebook messages from a lot of old friends, and lots of new people. Infact, the amount of people who tried to add me on Facebook purely on the back of this was really bizarre. I did enjoy talking to old friends again though, and even got the chance to see my old friend Debbie for the first time since school as me, her and her husband went to Meadowhall, although it didn’t go quite according to plan after getting lost a few times, not really buying many things and various other small things, but other than that it was a good day.
August
I start getting into a lot of new music as I want to expand my horizons, although it isn’t helped by Kerrang Radio suddenly refusing to work on the computers at work. In the mornings it wasn’t too bad because Kerrang in the mornings is shite, but in the late-morning and afternoon it turns very good all of a sudden.
One thing I realised in August was that I could no longer really afford to live in the flat. It’s coming up to the end of the contract and I decide to move out. I look at a website and see a place that is not only cheaper per month than I am paying, but is also all bills inclusive, a perfect mix. I see the property and confirm that I want it on the spot. They spend a lot of time fucking about though and all in all it takes some time for me to actually get the keys. I enjoyed the house thoroughly at first, but then Dan came.
I’ve spoken about Dan a few times in this blog so don’t want to repeat myself too much, but it’s not a nice environment to live in because of him. He’s a nice guy, don’t get me wrong, he wouldn’t hurt a fly, but the annoying bit is that he is just very keen on having conversations with people. For example, whenever you ever the house, he bursts out of his room like a jack-in-the-box to try and talk to you. I have often pretended that I am on the phone just because I can’t be bothered, it does work and I do find it funny that he then pretends that he’s there to do something else…..such as washing up.
Dan never does any fucking washing. He is regularly leaving his pots and pans for days on end and at various points has left food in the sink that has gone mouldy quite quickly, and yethe still doesn’t clean it. “Why don’t you get rid of it?” I hear youask……..why the fuck should I? He’s not a child, he should be able to do it himself. He’s 21 (I think), my 5, he should be more than capable of doing stuff himself.
The other two housemates (Jim and Andy) are fine, but none of us particularly like Dan and all for pretty much the same reasons.
At the bar job some issues come to an end as a guy called Connor is sacked. Me and Connor didn’t see eye to eye, mainly because he was a lazy fucker. It’s hard to put a finger on it as he clearly knew his stuff, but he was just bone idle and whenever the football was on the TV, he was particularly impossible to get some work out of. The day he got sacked was quite a relief to put it nicely.
My favourite memory of my time working with him was that me, him and a girl called Helen were all on the close together and he was contributing nothing. He was expecting to go home early, but instead the manager sent me and Helen home and force him to do the close on his own….in other words, he had contributed nothing to his own close and paid for it as neither me or Helen had had a chance to do anything before he left that night.
Anyway, away from people who I dislike to arguably my best friend, Charlie, whom I mentioned earlier in the blog. I’ve known Charlie since 2005 and she has always known about me wanting to be female, so when I turned up for the first time as Kate at her new house, she got quite the surprise. She knew I was turning up as Kate but had never actually seen me in full on Kate mode, and when she hugged me she made a comment about it being strange hugging me and feeling breasts. Got to love Charlie.
September
September was a big month in terms of me becoming Kate as I finally started the process properly.
I initially had an appointment booked in for my birthday, the 12th, but when I turned up they said I had gone at the wrong time. Apparently my appointment was at 11:30, whereas I had turned up for 3, which was the time that I had agreed with the receptionist over the phone. I was sent away to come back two weeks later. At a later visit I subsequently saw that this receptionist had left and the new person and the doctor were commenting about a lot of errors in the diary, confirming that I had been given that correct time.
Anyway, I turned up again on the 24th and this time got started along the whole process. It was really weird to finally be on my way.
After both times I met up with my friend Catherine, who lives in London. The first time she was excellent at picking me up after feeling quite flat, and the second time was even better with regards to how I felt, and we enjoyed a good meal at a restaurant called Garfunkel’s. There was also a strange busker on the street who I can’t really describe, so I’ve recorded a video instead…..
The month ended quite strangely as well with me reflecting on a lost friendship as I think I saw Maz on the London Underground. I can’t be bothered to go into who Maz is and our history, but let’s put it this way, despite all that happened, she still has a special place in my heart. Anyway, yeah, I saw her on the London Underground, I didn’t say hello or anything and I don’t think she recognised me, but as I say, I just spent the next few days reflecting on both her, and a few other friendships and how they had all gone wrong.
One such friendship was the one that had dominated the early part of the year, the one with Jodi. It was now six months since we had stopped being friends and I was still struggling with the confliction of whether I was upset or not that I didn’t have her as a friend. I was pissed off at her still for how I felt she treated me during the final few months, and yet there was always something about her that made her likeable.
I don’t really get it myself but I think the fact that we’re now both members on an internet forum and occasionally have conversations in there shows that although we’re not friends anymore and probably never will be, at least we can have a reasonably civil discussion/debate, even if it is only for a post or two on this forum.
October
October was a bit of a quiet month in general but something happened during this month that changed my opinion of something for the worse. I can’t mention it what it is as I am still heavily involved with what this thing is, but as soon as I stop being involved then I will write a very long blog about it.
Other than that it’s a generally quiet month in most aspects of my life with the exception of the bar job. A new guy called Jake started and he was even worse than the Connor I mentioned earlier, this guy was just beyond shocking. When he could be bothered, Connor at least tried, but Jake was just awful. He would regularly phone in sick, and when he was actually there he never did anything. I got to the point where one of the managers said to me that if there are three people on the bar and one of them was him, there might as well only be two people there.
I really couldn’t stand the guy, he was just a lazy fuck. Thankfully again he didn’t last long and after what I believe was his fifth time of phoning in sick in a two week period, he was too sacked. Pity that :D
November
November was similar to the rest of the last few months in terms of most things, life was generally quite quiet.
This month mainly saw things progress in terms of football as the Imps were finally starting to progress on the pitch and went unbeaten in the month, including an incredibly performance away at Walsall in the FA Cup that eventually saw the Imps beat a team from two divisions above them in that competition for the first time in their history. It was a good month to be an Imp.
In November I am also really starting to get back into wrestling. I hadn’t been that into wrestling for a few years and had fallen out of love with it when John Cena was constantly given the Championship over and over again, but I’ve gradually started to get back into it. I’m not even close to the level of commitment I had before, but a least they have some interesting characters again, such as CM Punk and The Shield.
Other than that not a lot really happens in November. It was a pretty boring month to be me.
December
December started with me having a week off……yes, some time off from both jobs, what I needed. Although I like having two jobs and it gives me extra money, I am shattered for most of the time, and before this week off I hadn’t had a weekend in ages, never really having two or more days in a row.
How I now look at the end of the year, although my hair is now slightly longer. Compare this to the picture at the very beginning of this article
My week off is quite eventful, it starts with me and an old school friend meeting up for a drink, and the next day I travel down to London and I am finally given my hormones to start the process of changing sex. I was told that there would be several symptoms throughout my time of changing, such as constant headaches, and as soon as I applied for the first patch, all I got was a headache for two days, it was not fun….but worth it.
At the time of writing it’s a month to the day since I started on the hormones and I’ve already noticed a few changes. I won’t go into them but you get the idea.
The next day and I travel to Manchester, stopping in Leeds overnight, to watch Manchester United lose to Cluj in the Champions League. The hotel room was strange as you had to put your room access card into a slot within the room to get the lights to work for any substantial amount of time….it took me until four hours of being in the room to figure that out.
The rest of the week sees me just chill out and do precisely nothing, but it was nice to have a week off from doing nothing.
When I get back to working at the bar, the third person who I had a major issue with started working there. His name was Sam and although he was a nice lad, he was a bit rubbish. You know the term “absorbs information like a sponge”…..imagine the exact opposite. He never remembered anything. Towards the end of the month he just stopped turning up to shifts and I was subsequently left to serve on the bar on my own on New Years, yes, on my own on the busiest night of the year, although thankfully the managers did chip in and help. I’m glad Sam has subsequently left.
And that’s about it for my 2012.
I hope you’ve enjoyed reading this war and peace effort.
Tonight marks the completion of my first week on hormones. It's been a strange first week in many ways.
Estradot
To my surprise the hormones aren't pills or injections, but rather patches, similar to a nicotine patch in many ways, and the main problem has been getting the little fuckers to stay on. The Estradot is roughly the same sort of size as two SIM cards for mobiles side by side and they are kept on for three days at a time, although to date only one has managed to last the three days.
They have to be applied to the lower abdomen and so when you bend down or anything, you're automatically worrying that they're going to come off. To be fair they do stick on reasonably well until water touches them, then problems start.
The first one lasted two days before half of it peeled off and had to be changed for another one. For the second I got medical tape and fixed it in place. Although it did the job and it lasted for the full three days, by the end I had a major rash going on, but any attempt to remove the tape would have remove the patch. The third came off after just a few hours after I woke up, and it wouldn't reapply, and so far the fourth has stayed on for the two days it's been on so far, mainly thanks to being covered in tape again....not the same tape though and this one isn't giving me a rash, which is always good.
Anyway, applying the first one was kind of strange because my abdomen became very cold all of a sudden and within minutes I was experiencing a headache. I was told to expect headaches and similar issues whilst on the hormones, but within minutes was a bit of a surprise. That headache lasted for two days and I know it was a cause of the hormones as I never usually get headaches, especially headaches that lasted for two days. Fortunately I had a week off from both jobs anyway, so it wasn't too bad.
Some other effects have already started to get affected by the hormones, but again they were expected and one is a significant lowering of my sex drive. I was never really that interested in sex anyway, and my sex drive was low to begin with, but obviously I would have thoughts occasionally and that's just human nature......since I have started on the hormones those thoughts have pretty much gone. In one week I haven't had some of the thoughts I had had before hand, which is strange in a way, but again is a sign that the hormones are starting to take effect, so it's not a bad thing.
It's going to be a long road and I am told that I shouldn't expect anything for at least three months in terms of a change of body. The first changes will be facial as some fat forms an extra layer under my skin and makes the face a bit rounder. Around the same time I will start to feel the early signs of breasts and various other aspects of changing from male to female.
I think when it's all over in a few years then I am going to look into finding something that I am passionate about. I have never quite figured out what I want out of life....other than the generalised topic of this thread, but other than that I have never found that thing that will make me wake up with a passion every day, so as soon as I am female, that's what I'm going to do.
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