What? Pray tell

Hello all

As some of you know, I occasionally like writing stuff like poems, songs and other forms of creative writing, and whilst I was on my way to watch Lincoln at Kidderminster, I decided to a write a new one.

I've been thinking recently about how much I've changed in recent years and how it's not generally for the better, not to mention it's cost me a few friendships.

Please note this isn't a happy poem/song/thing.

What? Pray tell

Another day and another fucked up mess I have created for myself
It ends a bad week where my mind continued to create paranoid lies
They strike why my mind is vunerable, almost as if they've waited with perfect stealth.
And to you I don't want to say goodbye
But my mind goes strange places, places dark and dangerous
It's a shame that it was once such a powerful ally

I ask myself if I care too much
And I think that maybe the old me had to die
I guess I can't control my feelings
Putting on that brave face whilst internally I cry
And the only question running through my fucked up head is why.

I sit here blaming all by myself
Death and pain to all goes through my head
And there's no such thing as innocence in there
At times like this I think my sanity is dead
I remember when I used to be free
Days when my life wasn't in such disarray
A time when it actually felt good to be me

When did it all change?
Where has my mind gone on it's everlasting holiday?
I miss my days of my varied emotional range.

How I wish I could be young and free
What, pray tell, has happened to me?

The return of my virtual family

I may have mentioned in recent blogs about a forum called RantRave, if not I'll bring you up to speed.

It's late 2004 and I'm talking to my friend Jodi (I wonder if how many blogs I've written where I've not actually mentioned her, but she is actually pretty pivotal to this story). At this point we were friends that didn't really talk that often, infact exceedingly rarely, but we're having a catch up and she mentions that she's joined this forum called RantRave, a forum where you can just talk about whatever you wanted and she invited me to join.

At this point during my life I was actually quite likeable. I kept opinions to myself and even then to be fair, I didn't even have controversial views. It was a good time to know me :P.

But anyway, so there I am on this forum. It's an interesting mix of people from all around the world. There were my fellow Brits, as well as Americans, Canadians, Australians and so on. Eventually I get really comfortable and I start to share stuff that I rarely share with anyone. They had become my family. It was quite bizarre, feeling like this group of about 70 individuals was like a family, but I felt comfortable there and it gave me the foundations to be able to start expressing my opinions.

It didn't last long though, within a year everything had gone sour on the board (not for me personally, just in general) and eventually it closed down. I felt like I had lost an important part of my life. I joined several other message boards afterwards that were of a similar nature that had been set up by former members of RantRave, they even had various members of RantRave on them, but it was never quite the same.

So that was 6 years ago and although I keep in contact with a few of them, I haven't from most of them for several years, however, that has now started changing. In the past few days I have started receiving friend requests on Facebook from the old members of RantRave, infact out of the contacts on the Facebook account I'm using at the moment, exactly half are old RantRave users.

Is this the beginning of the return of my virtual family? I hope so. It was the happiest time of me life and would love for those days to return.

I sincerely apologise to three amazing girls

Hello all

I want to spend a blog apologising to three people who I feel deserve them. Those that I have wronged in some way in the past who I still keep in contact with. I would stress this is only the wrongs I feel guilty about.

So, where better to start than the person who I consider my closest friend at the moment, Jodi.

Jodi - Jodi, you have been my rock through tough times ever since I have met you, you have helped me through the good times and the bad times and I can't thank you enough. You've outlasted friends who I thought would last for my entire life and no matter what happens in our lives, whatever country I end up living in, I hope that we remain friends.

I owe you an apology because of how I have acted towards you in recent months, and more specifically, the last week. I didn't react well to what your friend had said to me and regardless of how it made me feel, I shouldn't have taken that out on yourself. I sincerely hope you haven't taken my enthusiasm as anything more than an attempt to be a good friend, because that's all it's ever been intended to be.

Marinda - Oh Marinda, it amazes me how shite I treated you given how well you treated me and I blame myself for the issues you started experiencing during the later parts of our friendship. I feel guilty about how much pressure I put on you to give more than you could have ever possibly have given, and it was wrong of me to expect you to give much more than your were capable, or willing to give.

We were friends for 8 years and during that time I transformed into a paranoid fuck because I had fallen madly in love with you. For several years I was convinced you were the one I was going to spend the rest of my life with. You made me laugh, cry and every other type of emotion that a human could possibly experience, and you didn't deserve what I ended up turning into.

Honestly, I used blame you in some parts for how fucked up I am now, but as they say, it takes two to tango and any issues I have now were the result of my own inadequacies as a friend, not your fault.
Cathrine (spelt that way for those who think I've made a typo) - I think we were friends for about 6 years, give or take, before I made one of the stupidest mistakes that I have ever made and lied to you about something so blatently obvious that I didn't know how to react and literally shut you out of my life. I felt like such a twat for years afterwards that I was afraid to get back in contact

You were an awesome friend when we were talking on a regular basis and although we have each other on Facebook now, our conversations aren't exactly numerous. Hopefully one day we'll become good friends again.

My choices, the issues they cause and the potential solution

Cast your minds back just shy of 48 hours (at the time of writing). It's Wednesday evening and I'm biking home from work and I'm listening to RadioLab's show about choice. They start talking about the more choice you have, the more likely you are to make the wrong one and they use an example of someone wanting to buy an apple at the local market and the ones who just pick one are considerably happier with their choice than those who deliberate over what apple they want.

I thought to myself that that was an interesting thought. The more options you have and the longer you take ends up making the situation worse and you end up with something that you don't want.

Those that have spoken to me this week know that I have had a difficult week due to a discussion between myself and a friend of a friend (but not my friend) and it got me re-assessing a lot about how I approach things and how most of my choices are generally just 50:50.

I also mention in a previous blog entry  ( http://www.nathanjackson1984.blogspot.com/2012/01/what-i-wish-i-was.html ) that I am constantly deliberating over the effects of my choices and I think that makes it worse. I can only have two choices and yet they form into long "what if" scenarios and I just start weighing everything up to the point where I sort of forgot what I am actually thinking about.

So after this difficult week I have decided that for smaller decisions I'm simply going to flip a coin, that way I am freed from the decision making and it frees up a lot of time and keeps me from stressing out.

Now when I say small decisions, I mean the following sort of situations;

• Should I have cereal for breakfast?
• Should I put that as a wallpost on Facebook or a message?
• Should I go to watch that film?

Stuff that like, stuff that has minimal impact. That way I don't have to stress about that sort of stuff and I think that will stop me being as worried about stupid little things (which I know certain people will be delighted to hear).

Now, I would stress that I still do plan on putting a lot of thought into much bigger decisions, stuff that you can't just put down to a toss of a coin.

It's a start at least.

My Beliefs vs My Friend

It's February 2004, I'm 19 years old and I've just moved out of home for the first time. I start living with a friend from college, his brother, his brother's friend (Darren, who is the main point of this) and a German girl. I lived with them for about 15 weeks, give or take, and in that time I became good friends with Darren. We would have long conversations after I got home from work at 2/3am and they were cool conversations. There was even one time when I got home at 5am and found him just sitting outside the flat.

It was always obvious that Darren was, putting it nicely, not a person who society would like. He would regularly steal from the local HMV but was generally a nice lad. Infact, looking back on it, it becomes obvious that he was the one who was stealing the food from the rest of us. Despite this, I enjoyed the conversations I shared with him. Infact I remember one night I got home and we were talking, I was saying that I didn't want to go to work (I was working for McDonalds at the time) and asked him to break my leg, and he was actually going to do it. He actually got my ankle and knee and I have no idea what he was going to do, but I chickened out at the last minute. He always struck me as someone who would help his friends out.

I move out 15 weeks after moving in after growing tensions between myself and two of the other four housemates.

Darren Abrams

Skip forward to mid-2008 and I'm in contact with my friend from college and he tells me that Darren had killed himself in 2007. After looking into it, it turns out Darren was going to soon be on trial for being directly involved with murdering another person with his friend.

Although me and Darren hadn't spoken for several years and I only knew him for what even now does make up 0.1% of my life, it hit me and I was saddened, however, it got me onto the question of morality and I found myself questioning whether I should actually feel sad for him.

The guy was a nice lad whenever I spoke to him, but murdering someone (and reports suggest it was literally just because the guy he and his friend killed was a chav - http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-1039804/Killer-murdered-teenager-boasted-dont-worry-just-chav-jailed-life.html) and then killing himself is something that really causes a bit of an internal issue with myself.

I have always had an issue with people who kill themselves. I'm not religious or anything, I don't believe in any kind of afterlife or anything and that allows for a certain level of being liberal with my beliefs, but suicide is always something that struck a nerve with me. Obviously there are certain situations I will let slide but suicide after you've killed, or at least directly helped kill someone, is something that really bugs me. I can't just ignore it when trying to remember my friend.

For what it's worth, RIP Darren.

A shadow of my former self

Hello all

It's St Valentine's Day and yet again I have had precisely zero people show me any kind of attention in that way, not that I'm that bothered though. I accepted long ago that I'm probably never going to find that person to spend the rest of my life with and I can cope with that, although it would be nice.

But enough of the love stuff, this blog isn't about the love of another, whether it be returned or not, this blog is about change, or more to the point how I have changed in recent years.

I'll start with football. I used to be obsessed with football and it used to be the only thing I ever spoke about on Facebook. Tonight I was sat watching Lincoln City vs Braintree and the Imps scored three goals, but not once did I celebrate. I didn't cheer, say "yes", throw my arms up in the air or even move. I just sat there completely still. It's a far cry from a few years ago when I use to go mental whenever the Imps scored, or at least I celebrated, now I feel no emotion when City score. I don't get angry when they concede and I just simply don't actually care anymore.

I have stopped caring about the football team I go and watch. Although I still go to games on a regular basis, I can count how many times I actually give a shit on one hand. Now I am just ambivalent towards the whole thing and I am very quickly falling out of love with football. I even didn't give a shit when I was watching Man United vs Liverpool last week, and Manchester United are a team I have supported since the late 80s.....the vast majority of my life.

If I do end up moving to either America or Canada then my love of football might return as it's quite small out there, but for not I am struggling to rouse my emotions to more than ambivalence....and failing miserably.

So away from football, let's go onto music. Everyone knows I am a fan of rock music and that I absolutely detest R&B/Hip Hop, all that usual commercial bollocks that you would hear on Radio 1. I moved to Nottingham in 2008 before that you wouldn't have seen me dead with anything other than rock on my MP3 player, other than the occasional chillout music by Lene Marlin or Sigur Ross. Since 2008 it's been a different matter.

The easiest way I can put this into context is give you a glimpse into my Top 25 songs on iTunes. I recently gained a new laptop so all of these songs have been gaining their counts since then, whereas previously it would have been going back several years....but here is that Top 25.

1) Freedom Fighters by Two Steps from Hell
2) Gloria by Canterbury
3) Forever by The Churned (music from the Yeo Valley adverts)
4) Hurt by Johnny Cash
5) Roter Sand by Rammstein
6) Down with the Sickness by Richard Cheese
7) Fruhling in Paris by Rammstein
8) Raconte-moi une histoire by M83
9) Up all Night by Blink 182
10) Where is my Mind by Yoav and Emily Browning
11) After Midnight by Blink 182
12) Flown Away by Lene Marlin
13) Teenage Dirtbag by Wheatus
14) To the Stars by Randy Edelman
15) Gone Too Soon by Simple Plan
16) Jet Lag by Simple Plan
17) Gold Forever by The Wanted

18) Mind Heist by Zack Hemsey
19) No It Isn't by +44
20) Move Along by All-American Rejects
21) What the Hell by Avril Lavinge
22) Times They Are A Changing by Bob Dylan
23) Parachutes by Charlie Simpson
24) No Ordinary Morning by Chicane
25) Punching in a Dream by The Naked and Famous

So in other words, 10 rock songs, 3 classical, 3 dance (or dance-like), 1 lounge, 4 pop, 3 acoustic and I can't figure out which song I have missed but you get the idea.

Four years ago that list would have been full of Rammstein, Linkin Park and various others, I wouldn't even dream of having dance like songs on there.

And finally, my friends. A few years ago I would add virtually anyone to Facebook and accumulated a list of 550 or so friends on there, now that same account is down to just over 130 and I don't accept 90% of the friend requests I receieve, and now I am using another account that I have that has seven people on there, the seven people who I trust....well I say seven, one of them is literally never on there and hasn't posted since last March.

So am I shadow of my former self or have I evolved into a completely different person all together, time will tell.

Why it has to be Harry Redknapp

Hello all

I'm adding myself to the long list that wants to see Harry Redknapp as the next manager of the English national football team. It's very rare that England fans are near unanimous in their choice for their next manager, but that appears to be what is happening at the moment.

For me he is the obvious choice. A few years back he took over what was a very poor Tottenham Hotspur side who were looking relegation straight in the face, and he turned them into one of the most exciting teams to watch and I'm not just talking about in the Premier League.

Out of the Premiership teams, I am a fan of Manchester United, the team I have supported since I was 4/5 in the late 1980s. After that it's Norwich City as my family on my mother's side are from that area, but after them and United, Tottenham are the only team I enjoy watching in the Premiership.

I think they play the best all-around football in the Premiership and if Harry does get the England job then he can give us something that we haven't seen for some years, an entertaining England team. Everyone will say Arsenal are the best passing side, but the problem is that Arsenal don't go anywhere with the ball. Arsenal are great at picking up the ball in defence and passing it around, but having progressed no further than the midfield 200 passes later.

Redknapp has got Spurs playing really well by passing and moving. He has an eye for unearthed talent that is practically unmatched in the Premiership now, and he wouldn't be afraid of calling up relatively unknown players on the international stage instead of the "big names".



Frank Lampard
Currently underperforming
for club and country

 Harry wouldn't suffer fools and he won't keep players in the team just because of their names. He will go purely on form so players such as Frank Lampard, Steven Gerrard and various others could easily find themselves out of the England team after years and years of being seemingly untouchable. It's that untouchability which is one of the main reasons that England don't do well at international tournaments.

Too many of the "big name" players don't turn up when it really matters and it's not how you play against the teams from third world nations that define you as a team, it's how you perform against the big countries such as Holland, Spain, Germany, Brazil, etc, and England rarely perform well against anyone who is half decent.

Yes, England got a 1-0 win over Spain recently in a friendly, but it was hardly a deserved victory.

With England having a lot of emerging talents ready to break into the England starting XI, such as Daniel Sturridge, the only man that I can see who is capable of getting the best out of them on the
 international stage is Harry Redknapp.

For me the ONLY man for the job is Harry Redknapp. It'll be a shame for Tottenham, but what is their loss will certainly be England's gain.

RIP IdolGirl

Hello all

I've mentioned in a few previous blogs that I used to be a member of an internet forum called RantRave between late 2004 and mid 2006. During that time I became friends with people from various countries around the world and one was a woman called Teresa, who posted under the name of IdolGirl. Although me and her hadn't spoken for some time, I still considered her a friend and whenever we ran into each other on internet forums, there would always been a good rapport going on between us.

This morning I got the news from a mutual friend of ours that she had died during the last few days and although I won't claim to have known her well, it's always a little strange when you know someone who has died, especially someone who I never met in person.

There's nothing more to say other than RIP. Sleep well, my friend.

I get by with a little help from my friends

Hello all

Those of you who follow me on Facebook and Twitter know that I am currently trying to sort out of my head. I've been questioning my mental health for some time now and just figure I need a break from my main social networking profiles. I am still using another profile I have on Facebook, but I won't be using my regular one for the forseeable future.

But anyway, the point of this blog is to talk about how awesome my good friends are and how they made this pretty much the perfect Sunday.



Myself and Luke with Scott (middle) drummer from Canterbury

 For this weekend I stayed with Ellen and Charlie, two of my oldest friends, in Leeds. It's been an interesting weekend but a good one for several reasons, but this Sunday was excellent. It started off reasonably badly as I couldn't find my wallet so decided to clean Ellen and Charlie's house, hoping to find the wallet in the process......even my friend Cathrine (spelt like that) was helping with suggestions over Facebook. Me and Cathrine used to be good friends and for lack of better words, I treated her like shite and the friendship effectively ended, although recently we've started talking again, which is good.

So anyway, the day continues on and many a good laugh are shared before I then get to talk to Jodi, my favourite Canadian. Jodi is my longest serving friend and she is my rock, she is what keeps me going. We hadn't really spoken recently but an indepth conversation about various subjects really helped me out, especially about the stuff regarding my mental health. Jodi is an awesome friend and I don't know what I'd do without her.

The day goes on with good things happening and it finally gets around to the evening and probably the main reason I was in Leeds, to see my favourite band, Canterbury. In doing so Canterbury became the first band I had seen twice. Canterbury aren't very well known generally but they are bloody brilliant.



Myself and Mike Sparks, singer from Canterbury

 They were supported by the ever reliable Proxies and a band called Straight Line, who in my opinion were god awful. I couldn't understand a single word the guy was saying and he wasn't even trying to scream or anything, it was just incomprehensible. Canterbury finally make it onto the stage at around 9:30pm and blasts of Ready Yet, Gloria, Hospital and Calm Down, amongst many others, put in a right good mood.

Afterwards we had the chance to meet the band and I got photos with Luke, Mike and Scott, only missing out on James because I didn't see him. It was awesome meeting them as they are all really down to earth guys and I would love to see them again in the future.

Finally home and a big ass pizza (and I do mean BIG) before bed.

This Sunday was good.

Just 11 short days later.....

A few weeks ago I mentioned in a blog that RadioLab had done a podcast where they investigated computer intelligence. In that I mentioned that it freaked me out that you could be talking to something for some time, thinking they were a real person only to then find out that they were only a computer programme. It freaked me out, now, just 11 days after writing that blog......I received one of the emails talked about in that blog, an email where you receive an email from a strange source and it's someone wanting to meet you, who is interested in meeting you, so on and so forth.

Now, you may be wondering how I know that this email was from one of these computer programmes......well I'll let you read the email first....

The first clue that this wasn't a genuine person was that this came into my email at work, and not even my specific inbox, it also went into several others, and I can assure you we don't give our team email addresses out to dating agencies.

Secondly, the email address "she" sent this from is not the one that "she" mentions in the email. The email address is also italian, that despite "her" claims that she is in Australia and is from Poland.

She says her name is Diana but the email address would indicate her name is Sonia Melinda

55kg is extremely small for someone who is just shy of 6ft tall. It's roughly 8 stone, which for a small girl I would expect, but not someone who is 6ft tall, not unless they are thin as fuck.

I could go on.

There was no real point to this blog, it just made me chuckle that I received this less than two weeks after talking about it.