There is a proverbial fine line between genius and insanity and I often treat that line like a tight rope, today I very much walked that tight rope and fell right on the side of insanity.
As part of changing gender, I obviously have to my facial hair removed, and my first appointment went quite well several weeks ago, with no pain felt whatsoever. I was warned that they had only done the areas that weren't overly sensitive and my upper lip would hurt considerably more than the rest of my face had, depsite that warning I decided to go pain-free for the removal of the hair above my lip, or as it's otherwise known, what would otherwise be the moustache.
All goes well at first, I have the same slight tingling sensation I got the first time around, but it's nothing to worry about.....and the injections starting getting quite close to my lip and nasal area, it's at this point that I realise that I have made a mistake, but it's too late by now and I have to lay there constantly getting the injections and hairs pulled out. My eyes were watering quite heftily by the end, that's for sure, not helped by the fact I have an over abundantly bright light shining straight in my face.. Just over an hour later and my lip has now swollen to the point where I look like a duck.
It is yet another fine example of me breaching that line by quite some way, and it's a trend throughout my life that I have. I will often take risks to try and achieve things, sometimes it works, more often that not it fails, but I think I'm better for taking those risks.....I know one thing for sure, I'm glad that I have no more facial hair above my lip to remove.
I must say I am in a good mood today because the reunion of my class from secondary school finally seems to be coming together. The majority won't have seen each other since we all finished our final year at North Kesteven School and we all went out separate ways, either to sixth form, college, or straight into employment, so it will be good to catch up with people whom I haven't spoken to since school.
I've kept in contact with a few of my old classmates since leaving North Kesteven to go to college. One or two I have worked with, one I went to college with and others who I have just kept in general contact with, including Jenna Adams, who I have known since the age of four, my longest serving friend. There are one or two who, at the time, I would have happily never seen again, but time seems to be a good healer and I am looking forward to seeing those whom I haven't seen for some time.
My class photo, taken in 1997. I am on the top row, third one in with the horrendous mop head.
To be honest, I did enjoy my time at North Kesteven, but I had long decided to go to college rather than stay on in sixth form, and it turned out to be the right decision as in the final few weeks of school, several people throughout the year starting finding out that I had the intention of changing sex. It seems almost ironic in a way that I left because of that reason, but I'm only started the transition of becoming female just a few months before a planned reunion.
I am really curious to see how people have changed in the 12 years since school ended. How have tastes in music changed? Has fashion sense changed? Do people look back on what they were obsessed with in those days and regret it?
The people who I have kept in contact with have changed quite a bit in the time since, and I have as well on so many levels (and I'm not just referring to the obvious change of gender). I was largely a nerd during my school years, although towards the end I did at least try to fit in....whereas these days I don't give a shit if I fit in. I am beyond popularity contests and that has helped be change from being an introvert to being very, very extroverted, even to the point of being offensive on occasions :P.
Anyway, yeah, it will be god to see some old friends for the first time since then, especially those I've known from a young age. Out of everyone in that picture, I've known five of them since before I was 10, although the aforementioned Jenna is the only one I kept in contact with.
Oh well, I suppose I should go to bed now as it's approaching 1am, so until next time, peace out.
At the end of every year I look back at the previous twelve months of my life and reflect on some of the major incidents, and now it's that time. In this article you will see some very familiar subjects, and quite early on is dominated by one of the people I have talked about most on this blog, Jodi. To put Jodi into context. she was one of my best friends of the last ten or so years, despite that we rarely spoke, but then in August 2011 we got talking on a very regular basis and I thought we were close friends at the turn of the year.
It's been a year where life goals suddenly started happening, there were ups and downs and all in all, it was probably one of the most memorable years to date for numerous reasons.
At the end of each month I am going to include a song I heard for the first time that month that I love.
January
I started the New Year with a goal, to lose a lot of weight. I had ballooned up to nearly 19 stone by the start of the year and pictures from a weekend in Leeds convinced me it was time, plus Jodi was going on a diet of her own too, meaning we were helping each other in a way. To say I lost a lot of weight quickly would be an understatement. Within two weeks I had lost a stone (14 pounds) and by the end of February I was down at 16 stone, a total weight loss of three stone in two months, I had changed my diet and exercise routine to include biking to work (up to 1 hr 15 minutes a day of constant riding), eating healthier food, and so on, and it worked.
How I looked at the beginning of the year It's safe to say I've changed quite a bit since this picture was taken.
It was around this time that I also realised I had fallen in love with Jodi, and I told her this. At this point Jodi was a key part of my life, we had been friends for a long time (ten or so years) but five/six months of regular talking had made me realise how much I cared for her. She let me down nicely, but to be fair I don't even know what I was expecting to happen as she lives in Canada. Although things seemed normal at first, I think that was the beginning of the end, but more of that later.
At this point I am also really struggling for motivation in a lot of aspects of the rest of my life. I had become pretty set on moving to either Canada or America and I became pretty dry in terms of personality in the other aspects of my life. I still went to watch football but wasn't overly bothered by results anymore......even when we lost 3-1 to Carshalton, a team three divisions below us, I wasn't particularly upset. I was just stood there, 3-0 down to a side who we should have walked all over, and I couldn't have really given much less of a fuck if I had tried.
I was offered a job in America at one point during January but I turned it down as it would have been a case where I would have been no better off financially, and if there's one thing I'm not going to do, it's fuck myself over financially.....at least not on purpose anyway.
February The way that February started was a false dawn as it turned out to be a horrible month.
Me (as Nathan) with Mike Sparks, joint-lead singer of Canterbury
It started with me going to watch my favourite band (Canterbury) in Leeds. Afterwards, whilst me and my friends were talking, I got to meet three of the four members of the band, and it was just a great experience to meet people who you really respect as artists and people. They are all down to earth as well, so it was a pleasure to spend an evening not only watching my favourite band, but also meeting them.
A few days later and I'm in Nottingham to watch Steve Hughes, one of my favourite comedians. Unfortunately it's all old material so I'm just sat there not really finding it funny because I've heard each joke about 15 times before, and jokes very quickly lose their value if you've heard them too many times before. The drive back was interesting as it was in the middle of England's little snow storm. It was quite bizarre seeing a line of cars driving back down the dual carriageway of the A46 without any of them trying to overtake another one. Quite bizarre indeed.
The next morning I'm having a conversation with Jodi about something pretty pointless before she then exits the conversation without even saying goodbye. Little did I know that would be the last time we would have a conversation as friends.
A few days later came a major turning point in my year as I woke up on Monday morning, saw a conversation on Facebook between Jodi and her mum on Facebook that made me chuckle, I commented and Nolan, one of Jodi's friends, then just starts hurling abuse at me and makes it sound like Jodi agrees with what he is saying but hasn't got the guts to tell me. I ignore it at first but it eats away at me and try to get Jodi to tell me what's going on. After four days of no answers I am feeling pretty shitty, I've tried asking her how she actually feels and she only makes the situation worse by not saying anything. She could have easily said something pretty soon afterwards, but she didn't, and it was at that point I started seriously questioning the friendship.
I hit a slump at that moment and over the course of several weeks I really struggled for a while.
Away from Jodi related issues and things are pretty quiet overall, not a lot is really happening, which was probably a good thing given that I wasn't exactly having a great time.
March After almost a month of feeling like she had treated me like shit by not responding to my message asking for a proper conversation so we can sort our issues out, I remove Jodi as a friend from Facebook......but not before letting rip about what a shit friend she had been in the previous weeks. It's amazing how friendships take years and years to build, but then someone's actions, or in this case lack of actions, ruins everything. I may have used one or two choice words that probably shouldn't have said, but fuck it, the friendship was over as far as I was concerned.....and the funny thing was that it was only at that moment that she showed her true colours and proved what I had thought about her for some time, that was two-faced. She had spent time telling me about her private conversations with her other friends and she obviously did the same to me.
Although at first I was a little sad to lose her as a friend, even though I had been pretty pissed off with her. Infact, thinking about it, it wasn't losing her as a friend that really upset me, it was that I found her life kind of interesting in a way, she had a lot of interesting people in her life that she would tell me about and I think it was just weird that I wouldn't get the updates on someone else's life that I didn't know, it's kind of strange in that way. However, within days I quickly realised that I was so much better off without her in my life, especially when someone who is a mutual friend points out to me that she has been posting shit about me on Twitter, and the funniest thing about it was that not a single bit of what she was saying was true. It was fucking funny in one sense that in her trying to disprove what I had said about her being a shit friend, she proved what type of person she was, but you know what, fuck it.
I decide to move on with various aspects of my life. Suddenly all desire to go to Canada or America disappears, but I still need to move to a new chapter in my life and it was at this time that I decided it was time to start the sex change that I had wanted for years. It was something I had always wanted to do but never thought I would actually come around to doing, and in what was a quiet month other than the Jodi thing, I started preparing for starting to become a woman.
Being female is something I have always wanted to do, I don't know why and I don't know when I realised, it's just something that I have always known. I had always been putting it off for whatever reason, but what had happened with Jodi had convinced me that it was time. It made me realise I had been focusing on others far too much and not looking after my own interests. I did it with Faye, Maz and then Jodi, it was becoming an unwelcome common theme, so I decided to move on and start my life's goal.
April I am slowly preparing for life as a woman. I've finally settled on my new name, Kate, and I tell my manager at work what is happening. Throughout the entire process to date she has been fantastic regarding the change and I can't fault her at all with it. Although I'll get onto it more later, I probably wouldn't have been able to do it as easily without her.
The first flat in Nottingham. I liked it, although it would turn out that I wouldn't be there for long
To become female and move on to the next stage in my life, I needed to move from Lincoln and decided to uproot and move to be closer to work in Newark. I take the first flat I see and it's right in the town centre with a view of a park, not bad, not bad at all really. It took a while to get used to living in Newark and completely on my own. I had never been completely on my own before, so that was a bit strange. I found that I was talking to myself quite a bit, not in a psychotic sort of way, just talking my way through things, such as what I was going to do the next day. It's hard to explain really.
Even now I'm still not entirely sure if I even like Newark. It's niceish, don't get me wrong, but it's just a small town with not a lot to do unfortunately. It's not a bad place to live and not nearly as rough as I was expecting, but I don't know, it just lacks that something that makes it feel like an actual home.
I gained a friendship back again with a woman called Beata. Our friendship had ended in the previous September in bizarre circumstances, but thankfully we put that behind us and moved on and although we don't talk that often anymore, I still consider her a good friend and it would be good to see her again one day :)
Other than that everything is a bit quiet really, it's kind of strange that your life goes a bit quiet but only when you're anticipating the biggest moment of your life.....
May May was a bit of a nothing month for the most part as I started adapting to life in Newark and became quite familiar with the Atrium bar as I would spend a lot of free time in there watching football, eating their nice food, etc. I don't drink for those who don't know me, so don't assume I was in there drinking away. I'm not actually spending a lot of time at my flat, but meh.
The Lord Ted
I soon start looking for another job to supplement wages from my day job, just to help out with rent, bills, etc, and I apply to various places, including the Lord Ted pub on the outskirts of Newark. After several interviews and a trial shift, I am taken on as a member of the bar staff. It took a while for me to adapt and as I don't drink, I often got things that most people who do drink wouldn't, such as not knowing the different between a lager and a bitter.
Despite my struggles at first, I make some good friends but pretty soon I start to get frustrated with a colleague called Connor (not the one who works there now). Connor was one of the worst people I have ever worked with. He knew his stuff, I'm not debating that part at all, but he was just such a lazy fucker. He wouldn't really do anything and would often just spend time talking to his friends who would come to the bar. Towards the end of the month the European Championships in football started, and he was often walking off of the bar, even when we were busy, to watch the football. It became highly frustrating. He got sacked several months later.....I was not sad.
Away from the Lord Ted came a rather embarrassing moment. I am preparing for life as female and am starting to do "girly" things such as shaving my legs, then I try veet and it works fantastically.....so I decide to try it on my face.......I discovered one thing that night....I have a very sensitive face. It got my facial hair off without any trouble whatsoever, it also got rid of some skin and left a lot of red marks on my face for several weeks. It looked like I had a case of very bad acne.
Other than that it was a pretty quiet month really.
June June was a month dominated by the early stages of becoming Kate to the rest of the world, but it all started on board of a boat. One of my colleagues at work organised a party on a boat for the department and it was an excellent night. It's surprisingly peaceful when it's summer, you're going down a calm river on a boat and in the background all you can hear is "You've Got to Fight for Your Right (to Party)" by the Beastie Boys in the background. Out of all the social events I spent with people from work during the year, this was my favourite.
Later on in the month I told my manager at my day job about my plans to come in at the beginning of the following month as a woman for the first time. By this time we had known each other for about 18 months, so you can probably appreciate how surprised she was, but it all worked out very well and she was awesome throughout the whole period.
Towards the end of the month people at work are starting to get told about what is happening and as you can imagine, I got quite a few differing reactions, but none were negative and that’s always good.
I also join a trans group on the outskirts of Nottingham called “Chameleons”, a social gathering for all members of the spectrum. The first meeting was also the first time that my half-sister (Sarah) saw me as Kate, and it was also the first time I had seen her in a few years, so it was a special moment in many ways. I think she enjoyed the evening more than I did to be honest, I am always nervous about new people and that night was no exception, especially as I was nervous as I had never been Kate outside of my home before.
It took a while to get ready but when I finally got ready I walked downstairs to then see about 20 people just sat there staring at me. I am terrified to say the least, however, the night progresses and I soon find myself getting comfortable with the surroundings, although I think Sarah is enjoying it far more than I am, although amusing everyone thinks that me and her are a couple, not noticing that we look reasonably similar. It wasn’t until later than people realised that we were related.
Despite a mixed first night, I decided to go on a regular basis, although it doesn’t work out that way. Other than the group leader (Lynn), I don’t make a connection with any of the people in the group. To date I have only been to three of the bi-weekly meetings, the last of which was the day after my birthday in September. It’s not that I don’t like socialising with other trans people, I just find it difficult to properly connect with people in general, and strangely, despite being one, I find it very hard to connect with members of the trans community. I think if I still had a car then I would go on a more regular basis, but one night in July was the time that I decided that I couldn’t attend regularly, but more on that in a bit.
One of the last pictures ever taken of me as Nathan, seems an age ago now. Taken in June.
An evening with Sarah loosely leads me into arguably one of the major points of my year. For those who don’t know me, or don’t know me well, I am adopted, and at the end of the month I was sent a letter from my mother, as in my original one, Janice. I really don’t know how to process it if I’m honest, I had never had an intention of ever getting in contact with her and could have happily lived out my life without ever having any communications from her.
Sarah was very different though. Sarah and Janice got on very well and saw each other on a regular basis, and early on in the letters it was obvious that Janice was very keen to meet up. I wasn’t keen on it then and in all honesty, I’m still largely disinterested now, however, times change and you never know, when I write one of these at the end of next year then it could all be very different and we could be very good friends. I know one thing though, I am only ever going to refer to her as Janice, because despite her being my mother biologically, the woman who raised me (Sue Jackson) is the woman I consider to be my mother.
Throughout the month I also have some difficulties with a girl called Michelle. When I saw difficulties, I don’t mean as in difficulties like the ones I had with Jodi, no, the difficulties I had with Michelle was that she wasn’t reliable. On consecutive Saturday afternoons I was supposed to go shopping with her, but on both occasions she doesn’t show up and I get, for lack of a better word, quite angry with her, although things do quickly go back to what they were and we become decent enough friends throughout the year.
Towards the end of the month is her birthday and she invites me on a night out with all of her friends to celebrate. Michelle turned 18, and all the other people there were still in their teens as far as I am aware, so at 27 (at the time) I was by far the oldest. There was even a moment before we left for the night out when one of her friends (Amy) refused to believe I was 27 until I showed her my driving licence. The first thing she says after that is “Wow, you’re almost 30!” ……yeah, thanks for that, Amy :P.
July
So, July 2nd came around and fell on a Monday morning. It was the first day I would be openly transgendered to the world and living as a woman. I wake up at 6am but life is made very difficult by the fact that I had gained a bad injury to my hand the day before, meaning it takes nearly an hour simply to get dressed, put my make up on in a very dodgy way, and put my even dodgier wig on.
That first walk to work as Kate was easily the most nerve-wracking experience of my life to date. It’s only a 20-25 minute walk to work, but I am terrified, there’s not even anyone about. I feel strange for the entire day, even not wanting to go to the canteen as I sit at the exact opposite end of the building to where it was located, it would mean having to go through everyone. Fortunately Amy (not the one from the previous month), who sits opposite me, helps me through my fears and I can eventually enjoy my first Pepsi Max of the day.
Of course, as only my department have been told, I get quite a lot of strange looks and a lot of people asking questions, it was very strange indeed, but no-one gave me abuse so it was all good. Throughout the week I get random people coming up to me at work saying that they had read my blog and praising me, it was all very surreal given that I am still quite an introvert.
By the end of the week I am not really having any difficulties at Vodafone, but the first time I turn up at the part time job doesn’t go well, and for the first few weeks I am forced to return to dressing in a male fashion, and even though I had only been living as female for four/five days at this point, it felt very weird returning to being male, even if only for a few hours at a time. Fortunately it doesn’t last long as they eventually allowed me to be Kate there.
Soon my initial fears of being out in public as Kate disappear and I attend a concert in Nottingham watching Blink 182....the below is my video from the night.
Meanwhile, a few days afterwards, I need to tell my parents. After 27 years I still hadn’t figured out how to do it, so I just decide to just write them a letter and tell them that way. I think it’s safe to say that they are still relatively struggling to deal with it, although it’s understandable.
In what was a memorable month in many ways, the revelation that I wanted to change gender all of a sudden sparked texts and Facebook messages from a lot of old friends, and lots of new people. Infact, the amount of people who tried to add me on Facebook purely on the back of this was really bizarre. I did enjoy talking to old friends again though, and even got the chance to see my old friend Debbie for the first time since school as me, her and her husband went to Meadowhall, although it didn’t go quite according to plan after getting lost a few times, not really buying many things and various other small things, but other than that it was a good day.
August
I start getting into a lot of new music as I want to expand my horizons, although it isn’t helped by Kerrang Radio suddenly refusing to work on the computers at work. In the mornings it wasn’t too bad because Kerrang in the mornings is shite, but in the late-morning and afternoon it turns very good all of a sudden.
One thing I realised in August was that I could no longer really afford to live in the flat. It’s coming up to the end of the contract and I decide to move out. I look at a website and see a place that is not only cheaper per month than I am paying, but is also all bills inclusive, a perfect mix. I see the property and confirm that I want it on the spot. They spend a lot of time fucking about though and all in all it takes some time for me to actually get the keys. I enjoyed the house thoroughly at first, but then Dan came.
I’ve spoken about Dan a few times in this blog so don’t want to repeat myself too much, but it’s not a nice environment to live in because of him. He’s a nice guy, don’t get me wrong, he wouldn’t hurt a fly, but the annoying bit is that he is just very keen on having conversations with people. For example, whenever you ever the house, he bursts out of his room like a jack-in-the-box to try and talk to you. I have often pretended that I am on the phone just because I can’t be bothered, it does work and I do find it funny that he then pretends that he’s there to do something else…..such as washing up.
Dan never does any fucking washing. He is regularly leaving his pots and pans for days on end and at various points has left food in the sink that has gone mouldy quite quickly, and yethe still doesn’t clean it. “Why don’t you get rid of it?” I hear youask……..why the fuck should I? He’s not a child, he should be able to do it himself. He’s 21 (I think), my 5, he should be more than capable of doing stuff himself.
The other two housemates (Jim and Andy) are fine, but none of us particularly like Dan and all for pretty much the same reasons.
At the bar job some issues come to an end as a guy called Connor is sacked. Me and Connor didn’t see eye to eye, mainly because he was a lazy fucker. It’s hard to put a finger on it as he clearly knew his stuff, but he was just bone idle and whenever the football was on the TV, he was particularly impossible to get some work out of. The day he got sacked was quite a relief to put it nicely.
My favourite memory of my time working with him was that me, him and a girl called Helen were all on the close together and he was contributing nothing. He was expecting to go home early, but instead the manager sent me and Helen home and force him to do the close on his own….in other words, he had contributed nothing to his own close and paid for it as neither me or Helen had had a chance to do anything before he left that night.
Anyway, away from people who I dislike to arguably my best friend, Charlie, whom I mentioned earlier in the blog. I’ve known Charlie since 2005 and she has always known about me wanting to be female, so when I turned up for the first time as Kate at her new house, she got quite the surprise. She knew I was turning up as Kate but had never actually seen me in full on Kate mode, and when she hugged me she made a comment about it being strange hugging me and feeling breasts. Got to love Charlie.
September
September was a big month in terms of me becoming Kate as I finally started the process properly.
I initially had an appointment booked in for my birthday, the 12th, but when I turned up they said I had gone at the wrong time. Apparently my appointment was at 11:30, whereas I had turned up for 3, which was the time that I had agreed with the receptionist over the phone. I was sent away to come back two weeks later. At a later visit I subsequently saw that this receptionist had left and the new person and the doctor were commenting about a lot of errors in the diary, confirming that I had been given that correct time.
Anyway, I turned up again on the 24th and this time got started along the whole process. It was really weird to finally be on my way.
After both times I met up with my friend Catherine, who lives in London. The first time she was excellent at picking me up after feeling quite flat, and the second time was even better with regards to how I felt, and we enjoyed a good meal at a restaurant called Garfunkel’s. There was also a strange busker on the street who I can’t really describe, so I’ve recorded a video instead…..
The month ended quite strangely as well with me reflecting on a lost friendship as I think I saw Maz on the London Underground. I can’t be bothered to go into who Maz is and our history, but let’s put it this way, despite all that happened, she still has a special place in my heart. Anyway, yeah, I saw her on the London Underground, I didn’t say hello or anything and I don’t think she recognised me, but as I say, I just spent the next few days reflecting on both her, and a few other friendships and how they had all gone wrong.
One such friendship was the one that had dominated the early part of the year, the one with Jodi. It was now six months since we had stopped being friends and I was still struggling with the confliction of whether I was upset or not that I didn’t have her as a friend. I was pissed off at her still for how I felt she treated me during the final few months, and yet there was always something about her that made her likeable.
I don’t really get it myself but I think the fact that we’re now both members on an internet forum and occasionally have conversations in there shows that although we’re not friends anymore and probably never will be, at least we can have a reasonably civil discussion/debate, even if it is only for a post or two on this forum.
October
October was a bit of a quiet month in general but something happened during this month that changed my opinion of something for the worse. I can’t mention it what it is as I am still heavily involved with what this thing is, but as soon as I stop being involved then I will write a very long blog about it.
Other than that it’s a generally quiet month in most aspects of my life with the exception of the bar job. A new guy called Jake started and he was even worse than the Connor I mentioned earlier, this guy was just beyond shocking. When he could be bothered, Connor at least tried, but Jake was just awful. He would regularly phone in sick, and when he was actually there he never did anything. I got to the point where one of the managers said to me that if there are three people on the bar and one of them was him, there might as well only be two people there.
I really couldn’t stand the guy, he was just a lazy fuck. Thankfully again he didn’t last long and after what I believe was his fifth time of phoning in sick in a two week period, he was too sacked. Pity that :D
November
November was similar to the rest of the last few months in terms of most things, life was generally quite quiet.
This month mainly saw things progress in terms of football as the Imps were finally starting to progress on the pitch and went unbeaten in the month, including an incredibly performance away at Walsall in the FA Cup that eventually saw the Imps beat a team from two divisions above them in that competition for the first time in their history. It was a good month to be an Imp.
In November I am also really starting to get back into wrestling. I hadn’t been that into wrestling for a few years and had fallen out of love with it when John Cena was constantly given the Championship over and over again, but I’ve gradually started to get back into it. I’m not even close to the level of commitment I had before, but a least they have some interesting characters again, such as CM Punk and The Shield.
Other than that not a lot really happens in November. It was a pretty boring month to be me.
December
December started with me having a week off……yes, some time off from both jobs, what I needed. Although I like having two jobs and it gives me extra money, I am shattered for most of the time, and before this week off I hadn’t had a weekend in ages, never really having two or more days in a row.
How I now look at the end of the year, although my hair is now slightly longer. Compare this to the picture at the very beginning of this article
My week off is quite eventful, it starts with me and an old school friend meeting up for a drink, and the next day I travel down to London and I am finally given my hormones to start the process of changing sex. I was told that there would be several symptoms throughout my time of changing, such as constant headaches, and as soon as I applied for the first patch, all I got was a headache for two days, it was not fun….but worth it.
At the time of writing it’s a month to the day since I started on the hormones and I’ve already noticed a few changes. I won’t go into them but you get the idea.
The next day and I travel to Manchester, stopping in Leeds overnight, to watch Manchester United lose to Cluj in the Champions League. The hotel room was strange as you had to put your room access card into a slot within the room to get the lights to work for any substantial amount of time….it took me until four hours of being in the room to figure that out.
The rest of the week sees me just chill out and do precisely nothing, but it was nice to have a week off from doing nothing.
When I get back to working at the bar, the third person who I had a major issue with started working there. His name was Sam and although he was a nice lad, he was a bit rubbish. You know the term “absorbs information like a sponge”…..imagine the exact opposite. He never remembered anything. Towards the end of the month he just stopped turning up to shifts and I was subsequently left to serve on the bar on my own on New Years, yes, on my own on the busiest night of the year, although thankfully the managers did chip in and help. I’m glad Sam has subsequently left.
And that’s about it for my 2012.
I hope you’ve enjoyed reading this war and peace effort.
Tonight marks the completion of my first week on hormones. It's been a strange first week in many ways.
Estradot
To my surprise the hormones aren't pills or injections, but rather patches, similar to a nicotine patch in many ways, and the main problem has been getting the little fuckers to stay on. The Estradot is roughly the same sort of size as two SIM cards for mobiles side by side and they are kept on for three days at a time, although to date only one has managed to last the three days.
They have to be applied to the lower abdomen and so when you bend down or anything, you're automatically worrying that they're going to come off. To be fair they do stick on reasonably well until water touches them, then problems start.
The first one lasted two days before half of it peeled off and had to be changed for another one. For the second I got medical tape and fixed it in place. Although it did the job and it lasted for the full three days, by the end I had a major rash going on, but any attempt to remove the tape would have remove the patch. The third came off after just a few hours after I woke up, and it wouldn't reapply, and so far the fourth has stayed on for the two days it's been on so far, mainly thanks to being covered in tape again....not the same tape though and this one isn't giving me a rash, which is always good.
Anyway, applying the first one was kind of strange because my abdomen became very cold all of a sudden and within minutes I was experiencing a headache. I was told to expect headaches and similar issues whilst on the hormones, but within minutes was a bit of a surprise. That headache lasted for two days and I know it was a cause of the hormones as I never usually get headaches, especially headaches that lasted for two days. Fortunately I had a week off from both jobs anyway, so it wasn't too bad.
Some other effects have already started to get affected by the hormones, but again they were expected and one is a significant lowering of my sex drive. I was never really that interested in sex anyway, and my sex drive was low to begin with, but obviously I would have thoughts occasionally and that's just human nature......since I have started on the hormones those thoughts have pretty much gone. In one week I haven't had some of the thoughts I had had before hand, which is strange in a way, but again is a sign that the hormones are starting to take effect, so it's not a bad thing.
It's going to be a long road and I am told that I shouldn't expect anything for at least three months in terms of a change of body. The first changes will be facial as some fat forms an extra layer under my skin and makes the face a bit rounder. Around the same time I will start to feel the early signs of breasts and various other aspects of changing from male to female.
I think when it's all over in a few years then I am going to look into finding something that I am passionate about. I have never quite figured out what I want out of life....other than the generalised topic of this thread, but other than that I have never found that thing that will make me wake up with a passion every day, so as soon as I am female, that's what I'm going to do.
Today I discovered a new band that I have quickly fallen in love with, Sweden's Future Idiots. It's the first time in nearly 3 years that I have fallen in love near enough instantly with a new band, and the ironic thing is that it came accidentally. I can't recall what I was watching at the time but on the right hand side of Youtube there is the usual links, and I went to click one but ended up pressing the wrong one, a link to Future Idiots' cover of Blink 182's "Even if She Falls" and I was hooked.
Within seconds I was browsing their back catalogue, mainly consisting of covers, but I fell in love near enough instantly with this band and they have not only done a brilliant job covering a lot of songs I love (including some you would never expect to be covered by a rock band), but they have turned some of them into very different songs, such as the aforementioned Blink 182's "Adam's Song"
Future Idiots
It's the first time since discovering Canterbury that I have been this into a band so soon after first hearing them, and Canterbury are now arguably my favourite band. This is different from when you hear a popular band for the first time, it's a lot different when you're probably the first person you know to hear new bands, and given that none of my Facebook friends currently like Future Idiots' page on there, I think I can safely say that they aren't well known over here. Canterbury were much the same and whilst they're starting to grow a decent sized fanbase, it took me near enough literally dragging my friends Charlie and Luke to one of their gigs to actually get any of my friends to like them.
I love discovering new music like this, it gives me motivation and I don't discover enough new bands that I think are good enough, certainly not to the level where I spend a long time listening to their back catalogue in the first day. But anyway, here are some of my favourite songs of their's that I have listened to today. Enjoy.
Whilst listening to a song I was going to post on a forum, I got thinking about some EPIC songs that I know and I wanted to share some of them with you. I'm not talking about songs that last a long time, or those that are considered major hits, but rather those that just make you feel amazing, or you imagine great moments of your life happening with these songs in the background.
I'm going to share some of these songs with you now. Enjoy.
In recent weeks I have been having several interviews for a company that I won't mention and I had gotten really excited by the opportunity, however, I was denied at the last hurdle as, after having a final interview and assessment, I was told that I had been unsuccessful. I was disappointed by the rejection, but rather surprisingly, I have taken a lot of positives out of the situation.
I am in the fortunate position of currently being in employment anyway, so I'm not in the situation that unemployed people are in and desperately needing the job, I wanted the job, which I think makes somewhat of a difference. In a way that whole process was a no lose situation for me, either I got a job that I was passionate about, or I stayed with my current employers, either way I would be employed at the end of it, so in that sense I am lucky.
It all started a few weeks ago with a small telephone based interview, an interview which I personally felt didn't go particularly well, but I was still offered an interview at the local branch of the company that I was applying for. The interview lasted an hour and fifteen but it was quite bizarre in the sense that I am sort of friends with the person who interviewed me, so it felt a bit strange being interviewed in those circumstances, but everything worked out well in that sense as I was offered a place on the assessment day. I turned up (after walking 7 miles to get there might I add.....I didn't realise how far it was from the station) and over four different parts of a final interview and assessment, I personally thought that I did very poorly and to be honest wasn't confident of my chances of getting the job.
I waited several days before receiving the phone call that confirmed that I had been unsuccessful, however, it was actually quite a good experience. The interviewer confirmed that I had met all the criteria for the type of person they were looking for, but pointed out that although I had met the criteria, they are looking for those that exceed the criteria. I was advised the this was the reason I didn't get the job but they were otherwise impressed with me and that they encourage that I reapply in a few months time as there will always be jobs for the right people. They also noted I seemed nervous, which is understandable given it was my first interview for some time, and that might have contributed.
Just like this bloke, I am now determined.....thankfully
I don't have to push a rock up a hill, but you get the idea
That last bit is why I am taking this quite well considering. Although I may have been unsuccessful, it's encouraging to know that I impressed and that they believe that with a bit more confidence and other small factors, that there would be a place for me in their company. I have also spoken to the branch manager I mentioned earlier that I didn't get the job (I had phoned for something else) and she offered to help me prepare for next time if needed, which is cool.
All of that has given me a lot of motivation and I am now more determined than ever to progress with my career. I have worked hard to get to a stage like this, including taking a LOT of qualifications, and I believe that I am on the verge of finding that satisfaction and challenge that I crave, and whether that be with my current employers, this company that I had an interview for, or others, I am now ready to make that step up....and I am hungry for it.
Firstly, onto the song of the moment. This week it's "Duality" by Slipknot. Now, I'm not much of a Slipknot fan but they're great if you're in a bad mood, and that's how I have spent most of the last week or so, so yeah, this describes quite well how I have spent most of the time since my last blog entry.
As some of you know, it has been a bit of a difficult week for me, and a select number of you know exactly why. It's nothing I can get into but let's put it this way, I did something that almost completely fucked everything up. I won't go into more details but let's put it this way, what I'm about to write wouldn't have happened if I wasn't as lucky as I was.
Either way, despite the positivity of today, I can't wait for this week to just be over.
But anyway. Back in September I took my first official steps towards becoming Kate on a physically level. I was told that although there were no obvious reasons why I couldn't start becoming physically female, I would first need to have a blood test done and have a psychiatric evaluation, well today I completed the latter part of that after having the blood test several weeks ago, so hopefully everything is now in place and works out so that I can begin the process of becoming a woman.
The blood test is a bit of a sketchy area for myself as I am looking at the numerous pieces of paper and it means precisely nothing to me. All I can see is a lot of words and numbers on a bit of paper, I have no idea what is actually means, afterall, I'm not a trained doctor. I have been told by my GP that all is fine with the results and that I haven't got any blood diseases, which is always good to hear, but whether the test results are good in away that means I can start the hormones then all is good.
With regards to the psychiatric evaluation, well, that's a bit up in the air as it's all down to interpretation. I mean I hope it went well, the psychiatrist didn't give any indication that something was amiss or that she would recommend that I don't start on the hormones, so hopefully everything will work out fine. I will officially find out on December 4th whether I can start hormones or not, but all being good, I will finally start the physical journey of becoming a woman.
It's quite strange in many ways because this is a time that I never thought would happen. I have always wanted to be female but I just thought it would be one of those things that I would never actually do. I always thought it would be one of those things that would never become more than just a dream, so I can't put into words how strange it is that it is happening. Although this might also sound weird, it's also strange when people refer to me in a female context at the moment. For example, I was in a conversation with two other people last week and when referencing me they said "but she might mean something else," and although I am delighted to be on my way to becoming female, being referred to in a female context is one of the strangest feelings at the moment, but in a good sense.
I think it's one of many things that will take a bit of time getting used to. For example, I imagine it will take a bit of getting used to having breasts (such as the weight of them, the movement, and various other parts that relate to those, or having (and having no choice about it) to sit down whenever I go to toilet, there are so many small differences that are going to take a while to get used to, but it's something that I am looking forward to in so many senses because at least having to get used to them means that I will actually be who I want to be and be living how I want to live. It's an exciting prospect that although I am nervous as hell about, I am also eagerly anticipating.
It's been a while since I wrote a blog so I figured I'd give you all an update on my life....which I'm sure you're all thrilled about :P.
Firstly, a new feature of my blog.....song of the moment.....this week it's Good Charlotte's "Counting the Days"
Before I say anything else, November 1st marked the 24th birthday of Megan, one of my good friends over the last five or so years. Megan is my favourite American (not a very wide open category it must be said) and was there throughout my struggles of the past few years and although we haven't spoken for some time, she will always have a special place in my heart.
Moving onto other subjects, a few days ago marked the six month landmark of living in Newark and it's been an interesting six months to say the least. Newark's a strange place to live, it's small and there's not really a lot to do, but it's nice in many ways. Although there are a LOT of chavs, in general I've not had too many problems with anyone, which is surprising. Infact, I've been to several different places since coming out as being transgender and the only place I have had problems in is Lincoln.
So yeah, I've been living in Newark for the past six months and the last two have been spent in a house-share with someone who I have mentioned in a previous blog. He really is a bizarre piece of work. Earlier I was in the kitchen, he walks in and the following conversation occurs......
Him : Hello
Me : Hi
Him : Could be better, have a rough day
.......at which point I just walked away.
I think he's finally starting to get the message that I don't like him, but seriously, who was he talking to? I was the only person in the room, I didn't ask him how he was an yet he told me anyway......either that or I blacked out for a second or two and asked him.....but I highly doubt that was the case. Fuck it though, I'm trying to avoid the fucker as much as I can, seems to be working. The strange thing is that me and the other two housemates get on fine, but no-one can figure this guy out, it's really bizarre. We also think he's loaded on a spring because any time he hear's you in a communal area, he's out of his room quicker than you can imagine and trying to start a conversation. Grrr.
But anyway.....the good news is that I have fully gotten over Jodi now, yey. I've been fully over her for about a month or two now and got a lot off of my chest in a recent rant on a forum that we both post on. I haven't read the subsequent replies because I know exactly what they will say. I just needed to get it off my chest because her behaviour since the end of the friendship was beyond a joke, and for someone who seems to think I am trying to lie to myself with regards to what happened, it's funny that she is the one constantly making up lies about me to other people. But you know what? Fuck her! Sick of pretending I give a shit anymore. I got it off my chest and moved on.
In other news, an exciting opportunity may be coming my way soon. I can't go into what it is yet but believe me, it's an opportunity that could easily change my life. In terms of the part time job at the pub that I can't name due to my terms and conditions, after coming close to quitting several times, I have gotten into a bit of a "meh" attitude towards it, realising that I need the money so I shouldn't really complain. I'm enjoying most of the company there, especially since my old friend Matt started there. I've known Matt since I was 11 and we can have a laugh on shift, although both of us realise that we need to get the work done first before having a laugh......I wish everyone had that attitude.
Infact, I'm going to have a bit of a moan. I hate people who don't pull their weight. At every job I've had I've worked closely with someone who hasn't been doing their job properly because they either couldn't be bothered, were too incompetent to do it properly or thought that them having a chat was more important. I'm not going to name names (mainly because me and the said people have a lot of mutual friends and it would just cause far too many problems) but it really does fuck me off. The worst part about it is that nothing is ever done about it. I work my arse off and get fuck all recognition back, and yet they do precisely fuck all and get more praise than I do. What the fuck is all that about?
However, I am going to end this blog on a positive note and talk about friends, or to be more precise, those that have stuck with me throughout the years, through the good and bad times. It's strange that these people are the ones that have known the longest about me wanting to become female and yet each friendship has grown stronger since I outed myself. I would have thought that it would have been the friends who weren't as close before that would get closer, but I was wrong.
I've also made a few new friends since I came out, some who are transgendered themselves, right to people who have never even met me but read my blog and wanted to be friends, so sent me a Facebook request or followed me on Twitter. It's quite bizarre really that I have all these people in my contacts list that want to be my friend but I have no idea who they are. One or two I have gotten to know a bit, some others I've barely said hello to.
So yeah, that's it as far as an update goes. I lead quite a boring life.
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